Two pounds of Unicorn Meat- well done. (aka Killa Summer)
Two pounds of Unicorn Meat- well done. (aka Killa Summer)
I have this phrase I use at work when someone asks me to do the impossible.
I call it “Unicorn Meat”.
Essentially someone will go “Jeanetta, I need XYZ”.
I know full well that XYZ does not exist, never did and probably never will.
So instead of hearing “Jeanetta, I need XYZ”, I hear “Jeanetta, I need 2 pounds of Unicorn Meat.”
To which I reply “Unicorns are mythical creatures and therefore it is impossible for me to supply you with Unicorn Meat.”
They proceed with “Jeanetta, not only do I NEED 2 pounds of Unicorn Meat, but I want it well done, drizzled in truffle oil.”
And I go “I cannot get Unicorn Meat as it never existed in the first place but I DO have this Deer Meat sprinkled with glitter and I’m sure I can scrounge up some truffle oil.”
As they wander off they yell back “So, just give me a call when the Unicorn Meat is ready….”
And off I go to try and make miracles.
****************************************************************
Today my Unicorn Meat adventures took me to Laurel to pick up random shit from a random lady…..
I cannot imagine anyone sending me out in the world to do anything in nice weather. I’m like a small fucking child, shiny things distract me constantly. But hey, they pay, I go. So I went.
I got in my car and for some reason, the sun, the 70 degree weather and XM radio made me extra hyper. So I’m driving while texting and periodically yelling “MASHITUP, MASHITUP” (damn XM radio….).
I got off in Laurel and I cannot for the life of me figure out why this shit looks so familiar. I take a wrong turn on Muirkirk and bust out laughing.
I used to kick it with a guy named KILLA who used to live over in this neighborhood.
So now I’m laughing, driving and texting, remembering “The Summer of Killa”.
KILLA had just gotten out of some type of facility for a probation violation, I believe. He could not have passed a piss test to save his life, I’m sure.
Quite a character. He said “Fasho” as an affirmative answer to just about anything. This is the guy who wanted me to call his job and pretend to be his baby mother and DEMAND that he owed me egregious amounts of back child support so that they would give him a raise. I remember laughing til my sides hurt whenever I was with him.
Everything was always an adventure with him. We once managed to transport a mattress from Olney to Laurel with it strapped on the top of my car with phone cord (yes, an extra long phone cord) while blasting Dipset and Devin the Dude’s “Right Now”.
Killa taught me how to drive. Technically, I already KNEW how to drive, but after flipping the Dodge Shadow, I’d forgotten how to do it without panic attacks. I had to relearn how to not be scared to death while behind the wheel of a car. Killa taught me how to fucking SWERVE, and love every reckless minute of it.
I suspect that Killa is back in jail now. But I must say, that was a great summer.
Damn I miss being young. So today, I’ve managed to roam the streets; procure Unicorn Meat and now I am back at work, high on Oreos. My brain is fried, I used up all of my serotonin and I’ve gone straight stream of consciousness at this point.
It is too nice to be indoors. I wish I was back in college so I could skip class, go to a strip club and make it rain one dollar bills on nubile young women while drunkenly yelling about how I am merely attempting to support the single mothers of America who just happen to be gyrating on poles licking whipped cream off of each other. Damn I miss college.
I have this phrase I use at work when someone asks me to do the impossible.
I call it “Unicorn Meat”.
Essentially someone will go “Jeanetta, I need XYZ”.
I know full well that XYZ does not exist, never did and probably never will.
So instead of hearing “Jeanetta, I need XYZ”, I hear “Jeanetta, I need 2 pounds of Unicorn Meat.”
To which I reply “Unicorns are mythical creatures and therefore it is impossible for me to supply you with Unicorn Meat.”
They proceed with “Jeanetta, not only do I NEED 2 pounds of Unicorn Meat, but I want it well done, drizzled in truffle oil.”
And I go “I cannot get Unicorn Meat as it never existed in the first place but I DO have this Deer Meat sprinkled with glitter and I’m sure I can scrounge up some truffle oil.”
As they wander off they yell back “So, just give me a call when the Unicorn Meat is ready….”
And off I go to try and make miracles.
****************************************************************
Today my Unicorn Meat adventures took me to Laurel to pick up random shit from a random lady…..
I cannot imagine anyone sending me out in the world to do anything in nice weather. I’m like a small fucking child, shiny things distract me constantly. But hey, they pay, I go. So I went.
I got in my car and for some reason, the sun, the 70 degree weather and XM radio made me extra hyper. So I’m driving while texting and periodically yelling “MASHITUP, MASHITUP” (damn XM radio….).
I got off in Laurel and I cannot for the life of me figure out why this shit looks so familiar. I take a wrong turn on Muirkirk and bust out laughing.
I used to kick it with a guy named KILLA who used to live over in this neighborhood.
So now I’m laughing, driving and texting, remembering “The Summer of Killa”.
KILLA had just gotten out of some type of facility for a probation violation, I believe. He could not have passed a piss test to save his life, I’m sure.
Quite a character. He said “Fasho” as an affirmative answer to just about anything. This is the guy who wanted me to call his job and pretend to be his baby mother and DEMAND that he owed me egregious amounts of back child support so that they would give him a raise. I remember laughing til my sides hurt whenever I was with him.
Everything was always an adventure with him. We once managed to transport a mattress from Olney to Laurel with it strapped on the top of my car with phone cord (yes, an extra long phone cord) while blasting Dipset and Devin the Dude’s “Right Now”.
Killa taught me how to drive. Technically, I already KNEW how to drive, but after flipping the Dodge Shadow, I’d forgotten how to do it without panic attacks. I had to relearn how to not be scared to death while behind the wheel of a car. Killa taught me how to fucking SWERVE, and love every reckless minute of it.
I suspect that Killa is back in jail now. But I must say, that was a great summer.
Damn I miss being young. So today, I’ve managed to roam the streets; procure Unicorn Meat and now I am back at work, high on Oreos. My brain is fried, I used up all of my serotonin and I’ve gone straight stream of consciousness at this point.
It is too nice to be indoors. I wish I was back in college so I could skip class, go to a strip club and make it rain one dollar bills on nubile young women while drunkenly yelling about how I am merely attempting to support the single mothers of America who just happen to be gyrating on poles licking whipped cream off of each other. Damn I miss college.
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