To tell the truth, blindfolded, I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.
Originally posted in Late 2006
To tell the truth, blindfolded, I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.
Every year I come up with a motto, to kind of mold and shape my goals throughout the year.
Some of you will recall:
2004- "Keeping it real in 04." (Yes it went wrong more than a few times…)
2005- (Which started out) Get rich or die trying & ended up (much to everyone's dismay) "Got screwed in 05, not getting screwed in 06"
2006- "Stop the bitchery, do it 4 the children."
Since stop the bitchery has become not just my motto but a battle cry, per se, it would feel wrong to change it at this point. It has served me well. Almost as well as "I'm not that chick", and "perhaps" and "it's implied".
But I am drastically feeling the need to get a head start on 2007 because I've been running into an issue that, though an offshoot of bitchery still requires its own recognition.
LIES. That's right, lies. Now, a good lie is one thing. A well crafted, intricately woven tale, that is about to withstand scrutiny and even manages independent corroboration is one thing. That shit is a work of art, a slight of hand, a bit of pimptrickery if you will. But a sloppy lie is a completely different thing. When your lie can be found out very easily, why even bother to lie? If you are too fucking stupid and lazy to take the time to craft something plausible, why bother? It's like stripping. "Don't be lazy, hone your fucking craft!"
I know at least a few of you remember the half naked girl on the couch story. How stupid do you have to be to make up a lie that bad? "Her grandfather died… and she was upset and then she got naked" WTF? There is a whole skip in logic there. Like you can tell that either this persons a moron or they think you're a fucking moron. True he was drunk, but if your gonna be a drunk, practice drunk lying. Shit it can't hurt, only help….
I come from a long line of pimps probably dating back toUncle Roscoe, but most recently Uncle Ward and of course my brother. Uncle ward, he's a pimp. Not the beat you make you go work on the track type pimp, he's a smoother pimp. Cuz he's dating you and your cousin and taking both yall's money, while yall argue about who was seeing him first. He is so pimpish that he just got rid of his pager. You couldn't get that man a cell phone for shit. That's pimpery.
And coming from a long line of pimps I learned a few things…..
1. Never admit to that shit. Deny adamantly until your last dying breathe. Confession is some hoe shit.
2. The bullshits in the details…. you were late because you stopped by the car dealership…. anticipate a 3rd degree…
Ask yourself these questions….
What dealership was it?
Where is it located?
Did you talk to a salesman or just browse?
What car caught your eye?
What color was it?
How much was it?
What kind of gas mileage does it get?
These seem like a lot of questions? KEEP IN MIND, if you actually were at the dealership, all these answers should be easy. If you weren't at the dealership, you better know this shit back and forth so as to Cover Your Ass.
3. REMEMBER THE DETAILS YOU THREW OUT…. If you swore up and down you were with your cousin at the DMV…. why in god's name would you take a phone call in front of the person you lied to talking about that new movie you saw yesterday…. Oh, they playing Crank at the DMV now? YOU BUSTED…. and your dumb ass deserves to get caught cuz apparently your stupid….
4. The bullshit IS in the details, but don't get too specific. It looks contrived and on top of that, your gonna get confused.
5. Make your story about shit that no one wants to question… like the DMV lie in number 3. Nobody wants to hear about the DMV… that shit is boring. Also other good solid options… "That time of the month" or "diarrhea". Imagine how many hours you can blame on the shits…. no one wants the details, but a few adjectives, like color or that rumble feeling in the stomach are universal and make your story much more appealing, because the person listening can relate…
6. BE WARNED… Traffic seems like an easy one… blame it on traffic. Everyone hates traffic.....Unless you actually saw this traffic, don't use that as an excuse. If you say U Street was backed up, but the news says it wasn't, you're assed out. The news has cameras…. they win and you're caught. But say you're driving past U Street on a side street and you witness traffic. Perfect…. you say you were stuck on U street, the new backs it up and if your lucky later on that evening a friend might call the person you lied to and independently corroborate the traffic because they got caught in it too. That right there is a lying triple play…. 2 independent sources of corroboration on an untruth is magical. Like the Red Sox winning the World Series…. you won't see it often but when you do, it will definitely warm your heart.
7. Stick with what works….. I have a friend who always says he is at Takoma metro…. That would be true. If my bedroom was Takoma metro…. but its not. But that shit works, so he sticks with it and I commend him for it….
8. This would seem very obvious but people are dumb as hell so here it goes.... Dont lie about things that are easily disproven. If you proclaim that the sky has just turned an ashen gray, all i have to do is look up. Lies that lazy do one of two things. They make you look stupid or they make it look like you assume the other person is very fucking stupid. not a good move.
9. Say you got caught in a lie… you prepared, but some unforeseen circumstance has led to a discrepancy in your story…
You could confess… See Rule 1….
Or you cop out. These techniques only works with those who don't do it themselves... anyone who has used this before will recognize it on the spot so don't bother even trying it. But it works like this…
You're caught. You've tried to explain, you've stuck to your story. They're not buying it. Look hurt…. hold it. Hold it…
Now say (in your own words)
"You've already decided I'm lying. Why don't you trust me? Apparently we have bigger issues than what just happened today that we need to discuss. I just don't see how this relationship can work if we can't even trust each other."
What you've done is distract, blur the line of what the actual argument is about, deflected attention from yourself and put the blame on the other person (for not trusting your lying ass in the first place). Now you'll have to sit through a long discussion about your relationship but regardless… you're off the hook.
A few things you might hear from me that aren't completely true…..
1. You're the best.
Officially, the records for the best are held by Dave '01 & the Snake '02…
2. You're amazing…
Honestly, blindfolded, I sincerely doubt I'd know the difference…. maybe the scent of Downy might tip me off but sometimes my nose is stopped up.
3. My number is 8.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it…..
9. I don't do that….
More than likely, whatever it is, I do in fact do that shit. Just not with you…and not after this few drinks…. break out a new bottle or something…..
5. It wasn't me….
HELL YEAH IT WAS ME. I DID… AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL…..
6. I don't do much.
Everyone who truly knows me knows that if you can get me out of my house, I do a lot… its bananas…. I should have a reality TV show….
To all the liars, the fakes, the sympathy leeches, the man golddiggers, shit, the female golddiggers and the bitches, note… Stop the bitchery, do it 4 my phone, cuz if yall keep fuckin around my number will get changed again. The first number I put in my phone was the number to change my number….
KISSES.
To tell the truth, blindfolded, I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.
Every year I come up with a motto, to kind of mold and shape my goals throughout the year.
Some of you will recall:
2004- "Keeping it real in 04." (Yes it went wrong more than a few times…)
2005- (Which started out) Get rich or die trying & ended up (much to everyone's dismay) "Got screwed in 05, not getting screwed in 06"
2006- "Stop the bitchery, do it 4 the children."
Since stop the bitchery has become not just my motto but a battle cry, per se, it would feel wrong to change it at this point. It has served me well. Almost as well as "I'm not that chick", and "perhaps" and "it's implied".
But I am drastically feeling the need to get a head start on 2007 because I've been running into an issue that, though an offshoot of bitchery still requires its own recognition.
LIES. That's right, lies. Now, a good lie is one thing. A well crafted, intricately woven tale, that is about to withstand scrutiny and even manages independent corroboration is one thing. That shit is a work of art, a slight of hand, a bit of pimptrickery if you will. But a sloppy lie is a completely different thing. When your lie can be found out very easily, why even bother to lie? If you are too fucking stupid and lazy to take the time to craft something plausible, why bother? It's like stripping. "Don't be lazy, hone your fucking craft!"
I know at least a few of you remember the half naked girl on the couch story. How stupid do you have to be to make up a lie that bad? "Her grandfather died… and she was upset and then she got naked" WTF? There is a whole skip in logic there. Like you can tell that either this persons a moron or they think you're a fucking moron. True he was drunk, but if your gonna be a drunk, practice drunk lying. Shit it can't hurt, only help….
I come from a long line of pimps probably dating back toUncle Roscoe, but most recently Uncle Ward and of course my brother. Uncle ward, he's a pimp. Not the beat you make you go work on the track type pimp, he's a smoother pimp. Cuz he's dating you and your cousin and taking both yall's money, while yall argue about who was seeing him first. He is so pimpish that he just got rid of his pager. You couldn't get that man a cell phone for shit. That's pimpery.
And coming from a long line of pimps I learned a few things…..
1. Never admit to that shit. Deny adamantly until your last dying breathe. Confession is some hoe shit.
2. The bullshits in the details…. you were late because you stopped by the car dealership…. anticipate a 3rd degree…
Ask yourself these questions….
What dealership was it?
Where is it located?
Did you talk to a salesman or just browse?
What car caught your eye?
What color was it?
How much was it?
What kind of gas mileage does it get?
These seem like a lot of questions? KEEP IN MIND, if you actually were at the dealership, all these answers should be easy. If you weren't at the dealership, you better know this shit back and forth so as to Cover Your Ass.
3. REMEMBER THE DETAILS YOU THREW OUT…. If you swore up and down you were with your cousin at the DMV…. why in god's name would you take a phone call in front of the person you lied to talking about that new movie you saw yesterday…. Oh, they playing Crank at the DMV now? YOU BUSTED…. and your dumb ass deserves to get caught cuz apparently your stupid….
4. The bullshit IS in the details, but don't get too specific. It looks contrived and on top of that, your gonna get confused.
5. Make your story about shit that no one wants to question… like the DMV lie in number 3. Nobody wants to hear about the DMV… that shit is boring. Also other good solid options… "That time of the month" or "diarrhea". Imagine how many hours you can blame on the shits…. no one wants the details, but a few adjectives, like color or that rumble feeling in the stomach are universal and make your story much more appealing, because the person listening can relate…
6. BE WARNED… Traffic seems like an easy one… blame it on traffic. Everyone hates traffic.....Unless you actually saw this traffic, don't use that as an excuse. If you say U Street was backed up, but the news says it wasn't, you're assed out. The news has cameras…. they win and you're caught. But say you're driving past U Street on a side street and you witness traffic. Perfect…. you say you were stuck on U street, the new backs it up and if your lucky later on that evening a friend might call the person you lied to and independently corroborate the traffic because they got caught in it too. That right there is a lying triple play…. 2 independent sources of corroboration on an untruth is magical. Like the Red Sox winning the World Series…. you won't see it often but when you do, it will definitely warm your heart.
7. Stick with what works….. I have a friend who always says he is at Takoma metro…. That would be true. If my bedroom was Takoma metro…. but its not. But that shit works, so he sticks with it and I commend him for it….
8. This would seem very obvious but people are dumb as hell so here it goes.... Dont lie about things that are easily disproven. If you proclaim that the sky has just turned an ashen gray, all i have to do is look up. Lies that lazy do one of two things. They make you look stupid or they make it look like you assume the other person is very fucking stupid. not a good move.
9. Say you got caught in a lie… you prepared, but some unforeseen circumstance has led to a discrepancy in your story…
You could confess… See Rule 1….
Or you cop out. These techniques only works with those who don't do it themselves... anyone who has used this before will recognize it on the spot so don't bother even trying it. But it works like this…
You're caught. You've tried to explain, you've stuck to your story. They're not buying it. Look hurt…. hold it. Hold it…
Now say (in your own words)
"You've already decided I'm lying. Why don't you trust me? Apparently we have bigger issues than what just happened today that we need to discuss. I just don't see how this relationship can work if we can't even trust each other."
What you've done is distract, blur the line of what the actual argument is about, deflected attention from yourself and put the blame on the other person (for not trusting your lying ass in the first place). Now you'll have to sit through a long discussion about your relationship but regardless… you're off the hook.
A few things you might hear from me that aren't completely true…..
1. You're the best.
Officially, the records for the best are held by Dave '01 & the Snake '02…
2. You're amazing…
Honestly, blindfolded, I sincerely doubt I'd know the difference…. maybe the scent of Downy might tip me off but sometimes my nose is stopped up.
3. My number is 8.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it…..
9. I don't do that….
More than likely, whatever it is, I do in fact do that shit. Just not with you…and not after this few drinks…. break out a new bottle or something…..
5. It wasn't me….
HELL YEAH IT WAS ME. I DID… AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL…..
6. I don't do much.
Everyone who truly knows me knows that if you can get me out of my house, I do a lot… its bananas…. I should have a reality TV show….
To all the liars, the fakes, the sympathy leeches, the man golddiggers, shit, the female golddiggers and the bitches, note… Stop the bitchery, do it 4 my phone, cuz if yall keep fuckin around my number will get changed again. The first number I put in my phone was the number to change my number….
KISSES.
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