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Recap with my shrink & Why God didn’t give me a Penis.

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Recap with my shrink & why God didn’t give me a penis.
Checked in with my Shrink. That’s always exhilarating.

First he asks, “Hows the relationship?”.
Me: Hmmm, well we broke up.
Dr. Shrinkman: Wow.
Me: Yeah, the day after I left my last appointment.
Dr. Shrinkman: Wow.
Me Yeah. He ignored my phone calls and texts the entire day.
Dr. Shrinkman: He did What?
Me: Exactly… Essentially I said Fuck you, cuz I felt ignored. He apparently didn’t like that so he broke up with me.
Dr. Shrinkman: Well, what’s the opposite of love?”
Me: Indifference, Doc. Indifference…. And that’s what it felt like when he ignored me for no reason other than he couldn’t be bothered to text me back…..
Dr. Shrinkman: Very good! I think it might be of value to discuss why you always choose “The Wrong Men” (he did not use words this nice).

Cie la vie…. My shrinkman. He is smart.

I have been on a short hiatus lately. We all know why I don’t write when I don’t write…. I’ve been busy… doing stuff…. Onto the actual blog……

Just cuz they're not paying doesnt mean you're not whoring.

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98th percentile penises

I am a believer in “The Monogamous non monogamous relationship”. Now by definition, this situation is not “monogamous” per se. It’s more like leasing with an option to buy. If you wanna purchase, you have that option. If not you can always trade in.

I like spending time together and thoroughly enjoy doing “The Business" but I also like my space and someone who likes their space too.…. (Monogamous non-monogamy.) I’m more about content than form but I also like shit simplified. I feel like if you have one thing that works, why bog yourself down with inane whack shit that’s more trouble than it’s worth. Multiple partners is not really my forte (just because their not paying doesn’t mean you’re not whoring)….

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… Dick slinging is a very competitive market and I treat my vagina like that fucking Highlander movie… “There can be only one."

There’s always someone waiting to take your spot so it’s important to show and prove …

If you have faith. the size of a mustard seed... (i have loved.)

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1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love: true love has no room for fear, because where fear is, there is pain; and he who is not free from fear is not complete in love.

1 Corinthians:13 4-8
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

I expect nothing. I fear no one. I am free. -Nikos Kazantzakis

I will always love without reservation. I love like a dumb happy puppy loves their owner. And time and time again I have said this. Because i believe in love. Not that convenient love. Few things in this world worth having are merely convenient. I believe in that epic, to the ends of the earth, fight for what you believe in love. I'm a fighter, i guess. And i love hard. and with my whole heart. I must find someo…

Hostile piss ain't nothin to fuck wit.

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I woke up to a most uncomfortable sensation. Yep.... I had to go pee real bad and it was uncomfortable, to say the least..... My morning piss had become downright hostile.

No nothing crazy, just a UTI. But I did realize that this might be very inconvenient. I have things to do dammit!

So off to Urgent Care. Side note: I do not have a doctor. Primary care physician. I go to urgent care enough that they have all my records, manage to see me in under an hour (no appointment necessary) and the co pay is only 20 dollars. URGENT CARE FO LIFE!!!!

Anyway, Here is a list of UTI rules (for all those who don't know:

If you think you have a UTI:
Don't overindulge in spicy foods. (I drown everything in red pepper flakes.)
Don't abuse caffeine. (I actually have a caffeine minimum that if I don't hit required minimum, I get a migraine.)
Don’t have intercourse. (I’m not too smart. I think this was actually part of the reason I peed on that guy that time I peed on that guy that time.)
Don…

Fuck it. (Acknowledgements)

To all the people who post my page on their page... Thanks
To all the people who get it...... Thanks
To all the people who told me not to quit when other people didn't get it and didn't support it and me..... Thanks
To all the people who read this.... Thanks. Im pretty sure my mom doesnt....
To all the people who read the last post and thought "Hey, this isn't funny!".....Fuck you... I'd just came from the dentist. It'll be funny next time. shiiiit.

And to all the people who wanna know about my Stat counter, I use onestat... www.onestat.com. Just register your site and copy the HTML code. If you are using the classic blogspot template, drop the code into the HTML right before the End body code (/body). If you are using the Newer Layout template, go to add gadgets and add it as a 3rd party HTML. Copy paste and you're done. Its awesome and I loves it.

That is allllll. Loves ya.

They say "Don't mess with Texas", but what about Texass?

I just got back from the dentist... always an exhilarating adventure. I started going there a year ago due to complications from malnutrition that developed due to an "eating problem" that I acquired right out of college. Apparently, if you don't supply your bodily organs with the nutrients that they need, they simply give up on you. We spent time together (me and my dental technician), where she scolded me for not flossing and I explained that I was preoccupied with numerous other things that made flossing irrelevant.

First off, I'd like to explain what this blog is not.... Apparently I am learning to sensor... Today was a not so good day.... which means that this blog was almost an
"Open letter to my Ex" until I realized that doing so would be the least effective way of expressing my feelings and that I should just call him instead. Most of the time I'd just keep it to myself but my shrink and the lessons on malnutrition that I learned from my "ea…

Top 10 reasons "I'd fuck me"....

Preamble.... So yesterday I had the most hits of any day that I’ve had the site up. 118. Before that it was like 108, on April 1st... I also broke 3000 views, which makes me happy considering that this blogs only been up since late March and June was by far my shittiest month. Getting laid on the regular makes that happen. I always work better when I am pent up from lack of orgasms... so these next few months should provide for some decent reading....Anywho....

I am a stats freak when it comes to this blog so averaging 658 views a month pleases me more than a lil bit....

Some of you are coming from others sites and alot of you are new readers, because you are poppin up in the middle of the day and just reading through damn near everything I've written. Don't yall work? Especially yall Government folks. and there are alot of you government folks... damn. Thanks for reading. Also, here are some of the most popular pages, just incase you get bored and wanna read something.

All of my…

3 Month Sexual Trysts

I’m never dating again. Ever. Here's the deal. I did the math and anytime I start seeing someone exclusively… that shit hits the beginning of that 4th month and it all goes to hell. Either they stop trying or I get thoroughly annoyed or they ask me to sell crack for them (funny and surprisingly true). SO from now on, just to cut through the bullshit, I will no longer date. I will cap all exclusive endeavors at the beginning of that 4 month mark. That way I can remember shit on a high note. Whenever I meet someone, ill tell them this shit off top. I plan on always having a new one waiting in the wings, just in case what I’m doing goes sour. 3 months, shit, or less. If that shit gets outlandish….. Ill break out beforehand.

Everything happens for a distinct reason. When I met my now Ex… My main goal was to get published. Point blank. I fucks with blogging but id love to get paid to put pen to paper on the daily. So when I was kicking it with Hicks on Sunday and told him I had to bust…

Oh by the way, REP YO CITY!

Please be sure to check out the blogs in the Hot Blogs links section on the right hand side. Good quality shit that i respect.

By the way 2,826 Page views since March. Thanks everybody. And if you could.... Please rep your city in the comments section. Id love to know who's been here.

Also, Special fanmail gets highlighted on the right hand side in the Box of Awesome, so if you email me with that which is awesome, ill deign to fuck with this Xml shit and post it.

At this rate, maybe one day my punk ass might get published....
"You don't grind, you don't shine." thanks.

Smooshed (The Breakup Chronicles)

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Lesson learned: After 9 years of dating, I still know absolutely nothing about men.

I would love to say that I have learned to pick someone who is gentle with my heart… not sure about that. My heart feels eternally smooooooshed. Like it got ran over by a big truck. And then backed over again. And I feel like, last time I gave up on dating, I felt much the same way. So I guess its back to square one. Cuz I don’t think I can manage to weather feeling like this again.

And the lessons of last Easter are all fairly relevant.

Forgiveness is a gift. It’s a gift for whomever you are forgiving but moreover it is a gift for yourself because until you forgive, you’re going stuck in the same fucked up mentality that whatever the other person did stuck you into in the first place.

If you are talking to your home girl for 2 hours about how you are OVER it…. You are blatantly not over it.

All women hate feeling discarded.


Honestly the entire post is relevant but these ring especially true to me today, …

Breakups, Throw up and the most effective diet EVER!

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I got dumped. Yeah. It sucked. And as an ode to getting dumped, I shall recount my last few days.

Wednesday
I got dumped. I got drunk. I talked to “Gregor” the roach that lives under my stove. I talked to Trent in Atlanta on the phone. I wandered outside and talked to Tanya whose boyfriend was in jail for 5 years. I told her she was lucky cuz he's coming back and mines isn't. Roomie came home and I cried.

Thursday
I woke up. I went to the bus stop and this guy hopped up on PCP had his shirt around his neck like it was a cape and had a pillow held tight to his chest. He ran across traffic, dodging cars on North Capitol and flattened himself against the divider in the middle, waiting for the cars to pass. Then he went “WHEEE” and skipped across the street and ran down the block. I went to work. I cried at work. I went home. I cried at home. I took sleeping pills and slept.

Friday
I skipped work and cried more. He dropped off my stuff so that it would be Over Over and I cried some mo…

So I guess what it comes down to is this…….

So I guess what it comes down to is this…….

We all have coping mechanisms. Perhaps that guest shrink was right. We all use something. And I make jokes. About everything. Jokes about other people…. Jokes about myself…. But mostly about other people. Without much regard to how other people feel…. Cuz that’s how I’ve always dealt with everything. Doesn’t make it right, doesn’t make it okay…. But it most definitely is how I shake off the stuff that happens and has happened. Which just makes everything alittle less real. Got raped, make a joke. Several thousand dollars down the drain, shake that shit off. Tough times, fuck it.

But I guess in the long run everybody gets hurt by it. It’s not that I’m purposefully mean but I am thoughtless. Most definitely careless. And inconsiderate. I think I need to take some time. Pause. Get alittle bit of quiet in my head. Cuz I’m an asshole and I have to contend with that.

Also, I need to re-evaluate some things. So my phone is off. And my email is going…

The "Pull Out Method" is still a method..... Damn it.

I got home from group yesterday after listening to people talk about their “weed habits”…. It is sooooo strange being the youngest one in group…..
Bob Saget is the shit….




And as per usual, the one real out there lady tried to convince everyone to get off of their meds and this new lady decided to talk about how she’d take two pulls of a J and then fuck her boyfriend. The new cameo therapist tried to encourage us all to kick our habits (which is extra fucking weird cuz it’s a mood disorder group and none of us really actually have drug problems, we have mood disorders and anxiety and trust and intimacy issues…..). This is why I almost never go to group and if I do go, I am religiously at least 30 minutes late…. (cuz if I don’t go, Dr. man gets pissy and threatens to take away my meds.) Long day yesterday. Whatever. Onward.... wit that which is random.

Reinserted post breakup (Because its the truth. You never were there for me when I needed you because you were a self absorbed egotistic…

Where i be, when i be where i be.

Eventful as this last weekend was…. I am unable to divulge the details. Lets just say it was interesting and there were some new worlds explored.

Work- difficult.

Happy chemicals in my brain- Definitely touch and go.

REDSKINS- lookin real fuckin good.

Umm, made soup (corn, sweet potato, and kale) and Avocado quesadillas. Rest of the week….. Bound to be full of late nights at the office and sex toys in the evening.
Just trying to keep my head above water at this point.

Time marches on. I march on. Shrink says I’m doin well. That’s why I pay him the big bucks, so he can think about the things that I’m too tired to deal with. Have some thinking to do…. Which means I’ll be walking home for the next couple of days.

Side note: Station 9 this Saturday. Should be hot. Get your bitch ass on the guest list.

Email for the guestlist