The "Pull Out Method" is still a method..... Damn it.

• I got home from group yesterday after listening to people talk about their “weed habits”…. It is sooooo strange being the youngest one in group…..
  Bob Saget is the shit….
  
  
  
  
  And as per usual, the one real out there lady tried to convince everyone to get off of their meds and this new lady decided to talk about how she’d take two pulls of a J and then fuck her boyfriend. The new cameo therapist tried to encourage us all to kick our habits (which is extra fucking weird cuz it’s a mood disorder group and none of us really actually have drug problems, we have mood disorders and anxiety and trust and intimacy issues…..). This is why I almost never go to group and if I do go, I am religiously at least 30 minutes late…. (cuz if I don’t go, Dr. man gets pissy and threatens to take away my meds.) Long day yesterday. Whatever. Onward.... wit that which is random.
  
  
• Reinserted post breakup (Because its the truth. You never were there for me when I needed you because you were a self absorbed egotistical douche. Fuck you.) :D If I call and text you all day and you don’t respond and then I call you around nine (to make sure you’re not dead) don’t tell me it’s loud where you’re at and to text you.
  FUCK YOU.
  I texted you all fucking day and it wasn’t important enough for you to answer then so why the FUCK should I text you now. I coulda been dead. You wouldn’t have known. Next time Imma call roooooomie instead.
  
  
• The pullout method has been gettin a bum wrap. Kids are expensive.... Expensive and bad. I came to this conclusion while watching this child repeatedly yank the shit out of his mother’s hair on the bus and I was thinkin "If I were her, I'd sucker punch his 4 year old ass. I don't give a fuck if we are in public. He deserves that ass whoopin."
  
  I figure its time to get back on the pill perhaps, cuz I don't need anything else in my life that's bad and expensive (especially with my new ambition of running off too Dubai and marrying Sheikh Hamdan bin Mohammed bin Rashid al Maktoum).
  
  True there's always condoms but those are only so effective. 97% when used consistently and correctly and 86% when done like most people do it (remember that time you just stuck the head in….) . I'm tired of people bashin the pull out method. They don't call it a method for nothin!!!!! And I figure, the pullout is just extra insurance. Technically, the pullout method is 81 % effective (when your lazy ass don’t feel like moving some of the time and say fuckitall and leave it in…) and 96% effective when done correctly according to the FDA (WHO KNEW?).
  
  So say you use condoms. Throw the pullout on top of that and you effectively brought yourself up to 100 percent effectiveness. Same with the rhythm method. Rhythm method alone is bullshit (75 % effective). But combine it with the pullout and *Shazaamm* you doing big things. Not obese things, but you know, slightly rotund shit.
  
  Little did you know, the female condom is only 79% effective…. For all that, you coulda just been pullin out for free this whole time.
  
  If safe sex is a cappuccino, the pullout method is like whipped cream on top. It makes that shit just a little bit better.
  
  
• 2006 was a shady year. Real talk. But I learned a lot that year.
  
  1. Credit is for suckers.
     
  2. Gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em.
     
  3. Once a customer, always a customer.
     
  4. Never underestimate the usefulness of Hefty bags, Febreeze and car air freshener.
     
  5. Know your product.
     
  6. Know your target market.
     
  7. Never mix business and pleasure.
     
  8. The customer is always an asshole.
     
  9. Always sleep. Always eat. Otherwise your mind ain’t right.
     
  10. Walk softly, carry a big ass stick.
      
  11. Your past will always find you.
  
  
  
• The Tale of Gregor.
  Gregor is a roach (or a beetle or a waterbug) who lives under my stove. He vacations next to the dishwasher. I named him Gregor cuz of the Kafka book "The Metamorphosis". We hang out, cuz roomie never comes home to watch movies with me. I haven’t seen him lately. I fear that he may have been murdered….. It’s hard out here for a roach…. And I live in a tough neighborhood.
  
  
• One of my favorite Authors detailed her dreams for her webpage and I thought they were funny…. So I put them up here. Enjoy.
  
  12-3-01
  I went to a restaurant that had kitten on the menu. This seemed like a normal thing; it was a typical New Orleans restaurant -- shrimp, oysters, kitten. Ice Cube was the chef. They had live kittens in cages in the kitchen and I wanted to buy them all to save their lives, but I didn't want Cube to think I was a sentimental wuss.
  
  2-4-02
  
  Sherlock Holmes was locked in a mausoleum while investigating a case. He had to spend the night in there with a pretty fresh corpse, but he didn't mind because he was logical and hardcore.
  
  
• I am becoming more and more annoyed that work keeps on interrupting my attempts to watch “Gossip Girl” all day. Really this show is like crack. And I like crack.
  
  
• Everytime a straight girl says “I know I’m straight and all, but if I was gay, or bi, would you fuck me”….. I know that if I get you drunk…… you just might be bi….. cuz that statement is quite gay…..
  
  Back to watching Gossip Girl. This shit… this shit right here. This. Shit. Right. Here….. is that crack.