Breakups, Throw up and the most effective diet EVER!
I got dumped. Yeah. It sucked. And as an ode to getting dumped, I shall recount my last few days.
Wednesday
I got dumped. I got drunk. I talked to “Gregor” the roach that lives under my stove. I talked to Trent in Atlanta on the phone. I wandered outside and talked to Tanya whose boyfriend was in jail for 5 years. I told her she was lucky cuz he's coming back and mines isn't. Roomie came home and I cried.
Thursday
I woke up. I went to the bus stop and this guy hopped up on PCP had his shirt around his neck like it was a cape and had a pillow held tight to his chest. He ran across traffic, dodging cars on North Capitol and flattened himself against the divider in the middle, waiting for the cars to pass. Then he went “WHEEE” and skipped across the street and ran down the block. I went to work. I cried at work. I went home. I cried at home. I took sleeping pills and slept.
Friday
I skipped work and cried more. He dropped off my stuff so that it would be Over Over and I cried some more. I told Roomie that I was gonna end up losing like 30 pounds and I was gonna look like a crackhead and the only people who would talk to me would be other crackheads and crack dealers cuz they’d think I was one of their own. I slept more. Decided I'd buy him an “I'm Sorry” Ipod. Numerous people let me know that spending almost $400 dollars on a 160 GB Ipod that matches his Macbook pro and that can hold 40,000 some odd songs or 200 hrs. of video was not going to get him to come back….. I cried in the shower. I cried at the hair salon. I cried some more. I drank 2 bottles of wine. My friends hid my purse so I couldn’t leave. I cried some more eventually got my purse back and went home.
I woke up on Saturday, ate fruit salad. Cried in the shower. Got invited to a Redskins game and didn't go cuz I didn’t feel like crying at FedEx field with some random guy who wanted to get to know me. Cried some more. Retrieved my flat iron. Drank beer with Louis.
Who knew they make a wine called "Pure Evil".
Ate 2 slices of pizza. Went home, retrieved Roomie and went to Layla. Things get hazy after this. We walk in and they're playing Bel Biv DeVoe’s Poison and I yell out “Tequila!” I decide to blow a portion of the Ipod money at the bar and open a tab. I try and figure out how two people just break up without anyone cheating. I realized that normally when you break up with someone, you avoid places you used to go, but that he fucked up music for me and every time I hear Anything!!!! I wanna cry. I see Hicks. “Hicks! What up!!!” All of roomies friends tell me that if they were my roommate, they'd take advantage of me. Flit around in the Vip and my night went as follows Tequila Sunrise, Tequila Sunrise, Amaretto Sour, Amaretto Sour, Moët Rose, Vodka, Moët Rose, Moët Rose and Red Bull, Moët Rose, & Moët Rose. This Nigerian tells me that he is lovin my toe game…. Roomie says “If one more bitch says its her birthday imma slap her. It cant be all these bitches birthdays.” Met a guy whom I refer to as Texass!!! He tried to put my dress in his pocket. It was strange. I hung with everyone!!!! It feels nice to go places where people superficially love me. Some guy tried to hand me a hundred dollars… I’m still not sure why, but I hope he didn’t think I was a prostitute. And I truly hope he didn’t think he could even get my attention for that little ass amount of money. Went home. Threw up. Cried. Roomie fed me an English muffin. Cried some more. Slept.
Woke up Sunday. Cried. Took a sleeping pill. Slept. Woke up. Cried and then went shopping. Saw Pineapple Express. Luke called me a weepy hottie. Tried to figure out what to do, cuz people keep on telling me to move on, but moving on in with my “life plan” is retarded because my plan involved marrying him and making cute babies and waking up next to him everyday. So I can’t quite move on. I have to make a whole new plan. So I decided Imma pay off my student loans and buy a house with a washer and dryer and a garden. Imma grow avocados. Fuck it.
Thanks go out to Roomie for babysitting/suicide watching over me for the last 5 days, sorry for crying like a byatch. My bad. I suck.
Shout outs to Eve and them, Louis, the Nigerian crew, Poomie, Hicks and all of roomies friends who told me how very fine and sassy I was.
Shout outs to alcohol poisoning.
Shout outs to everyone who told me that I'm a fabulous catch, that I'm smart and educated and pretty with a quick wit and I'm charming.
Shout outs to the “breakup diet” and the five pounds I lost in just a couple of days.
Shout outs to everyone who offered to "do me". (Thanks but no thanks.)
The following suggestions were not helpful post breakup:
You’re better off without him. (But I wanna be with him)
Time heals all wounds.(But I wanna die now).
Pain is what makes us grow. (What tha fuck good does that do me).
If you love something let it go, and if it comes back its yours to keep. (booooo!)
Things that helped a little:
What tha fuck?
Why would someone leave a pretty girl like you?
Well at least you lost 5 lbs.
Let’s go shopping
Just think, your next great fuck could be right around the corner.
You were single and happy when you met him. You can be single and happy now that he’s gone.
Breakups suck. A lot. I couldn’t abandon my blog. It’s like a child to me. And if I’m semi-suicidal, I might as well write. It’ll keep me from killin myself…. Cuz you can’t kill yourself if your busy typing.
Me betterin myself.... I READ HOES!!!
Wednesday
I got dumped. I got drunk. I talked to “Gregor” the roach that lives under my stove. I talked to Trent in Atlanta on the phone. I wandered outside and talked to Tanya whose boyfriend was in jail for 5 years. I told her she was lucky cuz he's coming back and mines isn't. Roomie came home and I cried.
Thursday
I woke up. I went to the bus stop and this guy hopped up on PCP had his shirt around his neck like it was a cape and had a pillow held tight to his chest. He ran across traffic, dodging cars on North Capitol and flattened himself against the divider in the middle, waiting for the cars to pass. Then he went “WHEEE” and skipped across the street and ran down the block. I went to work. I cried at work. I went home. I cried at home. I took sleeping pills and slept.
Friday
I skipped work and cried more. He dropped off my stuff so that it would be Over Over and I cried some more. I told Roomie that I was gonna end up losing like 30 pounds and I was gonna look like a crackhead and the only people who would talk to me would be other crackheads and crack dealers cuz they’d think I was one of their own. I slept more. Decided I'd buy him an “I'm Sorry” Ipod. Numerous people let me know that spending almost $400 dollars on a 160 GB Ipod that matches his Macbook pro and that can hold 40,000 some odd songs or 200 hrs. of video was not going to get him to come back….. I cried in the shower. I cried at the hair salon. I cried some more. I drank 2 bottles of wine. My friends hid my purse so I couldn’t leave. I cried some more eventually got my purse back and went home.
I woke up on Saturday, ate fruit salad. Cried in the shower. Got invited to a Redskins game and didn't go cuz I didn’t feel like crying at FedEx field with some random guy who wanted to get to know me. Cried some more. Retrieved my flat iron. Drank beer with Louis.
Who knew they make a wine called "Pure Evil".
Ate 2 slices of pizza. Went home, retrieved Roomie and went to Layla. Things get hazy after this. We walk in and they're playing Bel Biv DeVoe’s Poison and I yell out “Tequila!” I decide to blow a portion of the Ipod money at the bar and open a tab. I try and figure out how two people just break up without anyone cheating. I realized that normally when you break up with someone, you avoid places you used to go, but that he fucked up music for me and every time I hear Anything!!!! I wanna cry. I see Hicks. “Hicks! What up!!!” All of roomies friends tell me that if they were my roommate, they'd take advantage of me. Flit around in the Vip and my night went as follows Tequila Sunrise, Tequila Sunrise, Amaretto Sour, Amaretto Sour, Moët Rose, Vodka, Moët Rose, Moët Rose and Red Bull, Moët Rose, & Moët Rose. This Nigerian tells me that he is lovin my toe game…. Roomie says “If one more bitch says its her birthday imma slap her. It cant be all these bitches birthdays.” Met a guy whom I refer to as Texass!!! He tried to put my dress in his pocket. It was strange. I hung with everyone!!!! It feels nice to go places where people superficially love me. Some guy tried to hand me a hundred dollars… I’m still not sure why, but I hope he didn’t think I was a prostitute. And I truly hope he didn’t think he could even get my attention for that little ass amount of money. Went home. Threw up. Cried. Roomie fed me an English muffin. Cried some more. Slept.
Woke up Sunday. Cried. Took a sleeping pill. Slept. Woke up. Cried and then went shopping. Saw Pineapple Express. Luke called me a weepy hottie. Tried to figure out what to do, cuz people keep on telling me to move on, but moving on in with my “life plan” is retarded because my plan involved marrying him and making cute babies and waking up next to him everyday. So I can’t quite move on. I have to make a whole new plan. So I decided Imma pay off my student loans and buy a house with a washer and dryer and a garden. Imma grow avocados. Fuck it.
Thanks go out to Roomie for babysitting/suicide watching over me for the last 5 days, sorry for crying like a byatch. My bad. I suck.
Shout outs to Eve and them, Louis, the Nigerian crew, Poomie, Hicks and all of roomies friends who told me how very fine and sassy I was.
Shout outs to alcohol poisoning.
Shout outs to everyone who told me that I'm a fabulous catch, that I'm smart and educated and pretty with a quick wit and I'm charming.
Shout outs to the “breakup diet” and the five pounds I lost in just a couple of days.
Shout outs to everyone who offered to "do me". (Thanks but no thanks.)
The following suggestions were not helpful post breakup:
You’re better off without him. (But I wanna be with him)
Time heals all wounds.(But I wanna die now).
Pain is what makes us grow. (What tha fuck good does that do me).
If you love something let it go, and if it comes back its yours to keep. (booooo!)
Things that helped a little:
What tha fuck?
Why would someone leave a pretty girl like you?
Well at least you lost 5 lbs.
Let’s go shopping
Just think, your next great fuck could be right around the corner.
You were single and happy when you met him. You can be single and happy now that he’s gone.
Breakups suck. A lot. I couldn’t abandon my blog. It’s like a child to me. And if I’m semi-suicidal, I might as well write. It’ll keep me from killin myself…. Cuz you can’t kill yourself if your busy typing.
Me betterin myself.... I READ HOES!!!
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