The Good, the Bad & the Semi-Literate

My exes are like herpes..... No, they don't have herpes. And no, I don't have herpes... But they are like herpes. Just because you haven't seen it in a while, doesn't mean that it's gone. Them motherfuckers are merely lying dormant and they will pop up again. Outbreak style! I have a handful of guidelines to assist me in keepin it short/ sweet and not crazy: The 3 month rule. I am thoroughly about a 3 month Probationary period for all incoming dicks, though it has been brought to my attention that perhaps the 3 month timeframe is discriminatory against men. Maybe 3 months isn’t long enough for them to figure out how they feel about a situation, which would explain my high recidivism rate. Personally, I think the 3 month rule is great. It essentially says, "We have fun for 3 months, but at the end of that 3rd month, we are either going somewhere or we aren’t. If we are going somewhere, then that is great. If not it’s time to shit or get off the pot and I got to ...

Ms. Skittle is on vacation in jersey this week. Laying around. Napping with the cat. Looking at houses and GRE words. Reading old ass L. J. Smith novels and thinking about the nature of relationships. Jskittle is ready to settle down. Nice house, Normal guy (not these hood rats, or club rats, or dudes with their heads in the streets). I said it before, I'll say it again: You have to know how to recognize the difference between a boy and a man. A man pays bills, takes care of home first, shows respect and understands the value of commitment. A boy runs up bills, comes home only to sleep and eat, talks out the side of his neck and is only seriously committed to his dick and his mama. I know what I want. I need someone who knows what they want too. I've lived. I've seen what I need to see. I did one of those "answer things about me" junts and Eve said that the song that most reminded her of me was "Area codes". Can't disagree with that. My ex in WV onc...

Times is tough. My new insurance is a bitch. A sorry, cheap ass bitch.... They didn't cover my meds last month and I wasn't sure that they would this month. To conserve dough, I decided to pill skip. I have been taking a pill roughly every other day instead of every day.... This is not so good. My doctor told me that if I forgot to take a pill one day, Id be fine. Apparently, its cool occasionally. But skipping the meds that regulate the happy in my brain every other day has had some not so good effects, mostly in a depressed like way. I finally got the pre-approval from the insurance company, which kindly let me know that they would need pre-approval again in three months time. Oxford... You are a company of assholes, with douchy ass policies. Medco.... Fuck you. No, really, fuck you. I still do not have a medical card (Ive been enrolled since January 1st), I went to an in-network doctor (and called to make sure I didn't need pre-approval or a referral). Oxford, you got a...

V-day OD 09 went pretty well. Valentines Day is officially the equivalent of Vegas.... What happens on Vday must stay on Vday.... I did have a handful of revelations..... Valentines day should perhaps be the Love equivalent of New Years Eve. Motherfuckers need to make Love Resolutions. I won a "My ex is worse than yours" contest. I decided to go on a diet the other day. I feel like losing 5 pounds. Cuz I can... Diet + Alcohol = Super drunk Super early.... Ps: Men are now referred to as Cows.... Penises: Milk... Yup I made some good choices this last year in relation to not dating outright assholes. Old lessons are always relevant to others: Never date a man who wishes he was elsewhere. It is a slow death standing next to someone who is pining for someone else. It will always keep you up at night, wondering when (not if, but when) he will leave.... Dr. Dre said it best: Thats your bitch? [on these nuts] Really I dont...[give a fuck] All I really know is your hoe wants to be w...

Posted this morning on Facebook: I overslept Today I overslept today. I was dreaming about sex and shoe shopping. It was much more fulfilling than waking up for work and thus I continued. I made it into the office and baby talk commenced. I think that talking about babies (my coworker just made one) can spread pregnancy like SARS. I am convinced that he is trying to get me pregnant by talking about those baby backpack things..... I shall avoid talking to him from here on out. Arrrggggh. Work. Posted this afternoon on Facebook: Lesbian sushi. (aka Id rather be napping) Id rather be napping. Im tired. I wish things were different and they aint. I need to get my zen on. Funny thing is, the minute i put down my skepticism, everything flip flopped and became fuckery. Soooooo back to the skepticism. Back to the books. Back to nappin and learnin and working and nappin some more. and an Lword marathon. Nothing turns a frown upside down as fast as lesbians. Nope. Lesbians and sushi. My fail-saf...

Sometimes shit don't work out. Things seem to be goin straight and then shit just goes off track. It be like that sometimes. Thus is the drama that is humanity. And after dating for about 10 years, I have some surefire things to take my mind off of my disappointments: Plan A The current Plan A is actually Plan A version 2. Version 1 (which my Hampton peeps can attest to) was "that nigga Kobe". Kobe lives in B-more and had it not been for rising gas prices, he might still be Plan A . Plan A actually arose out of a necessity for me to (as I call it) "Knock feelings out of my uterus". Blame this theory on freshman year late night philosophizing. So, feelings get lodged in your uterus, and you can’t move on until they get knocked out. Kobe has taken me through quite a bit of heartache and every time I left, I felt refreshed. That is now Plan A version 2.0's job. The funny thing about Plan A (as he recently reminded me) is that we had hiccups in the b...

1. I don’t like it when my tax dollars go to any of the following: a. abstinence only sex education b. charter schools c. The war on drugs Nothing personal, just saying tho. I also hate social security. I'm evil like that. 2. I have a cashmere teddy bear whom I have appointed as my “Nap Bear”. It is his job to watch over me as I sleep. 3. Deer are scary. Real scary. Scarier than lions and tigers and shit cuz I see deer on a regular basis and the menacing “Ill fuck you up” looks that they throw at me are terrifying. 4. I just realized that some people are just going to be vexations and that I should avoid them at all costs. Some people are just straight bad. They give out bad, the take in bad and they radiate that shit… 5. I HAAAATTTTTTEEEE it when people who I am not very close to call me by names that suggest familiarity. Guy hit me up this morning talking about “Hey sexy”…. So I veto’d that and he come back with “ok beautiful”… That’s creepy. We don’t know each other and you...

Today I stayed home... I have a cold. Whilst sitting around, watching Season 3 of Veronica Mars and eating a Shrimp Quesadillas (cuz even tho I’m ill, my taste buds ain’t) I realized I should write some hot shit about sex. Cuz that's what I do. I was going to write about girl on girl sex.... but instead, I decided to write about feminism. yup. I’m evil.... I tease you with the promise of intercourse with women (which this year seems to be heading toward) but then I deliver my musings on what’s been bouncing around in my brain lately. You can blame this entire post on Greg. It is, in fact, Greg’s fault. It started with a discussion about Lil Kim… It snowballed into a discussion about the contradictions laid upon women post feminist movement. I give you the Lil Kim Convo: “Real Feminist”: Lil kim is a smut..how can you tell the difference between whats true and whats not true? Moral of the story...you paint a picture for other people to depict. And obviously thats how the world sees...

I spend the past 48 hours arguing with Medco and ADP and United Health care about Doctors appointments, prescription medications and general coverage issues. Have you ever dropped 350 on a prescription? It is a horrible feeling. I have nothing to show for it. Not even my health. I am now poor and going back and forth to doctors and pharmacies, trying to get shit covered, I have developed a cold. I want to ass rape someone with my foot. I am sequestering myself for the good of me and the rest of the world. I will only see 2 people this weekend. These people will be Eve and Roomie. and maybe, just maybe funny guy from Sunday. I think funny guy from Sunday is awesome. I am particularly annoyed at one person. He knows who he is. He knows why I am pissed. I will not be leaving my house in a social fashion until Inauguration. I do not give a fuck if Jesus himself pops into town. My phone will be on silent. I is thru. Yall motherfuckers don't appreciate shit. They claim you never know wha...

Go to sleep. Sweet Jesus. It's late. Ps. Rum + Vodka = a headache and an argument with an off duty state trooper about the legality of him trying to give me a field sobriety test while off duty and intoxicated his damn self. If you are not in an official capacity, I am not going to play along... Yes, I am squinting and No, Fuck you, I will not follow your finger, until you put on a uniform and badge and pull my ass over while I am actually driving (not before I leave the fucking party, dude). I am not Drunk, dammit but I have shitty hand/eye coordination and I can't past those tests sober. It ain't fair, I tell you.... It ain't fair...

Today wasn’t quite horrible but it wasn’t good either…. So last night started off this snowball of aggravation. Yesterday I wanted some. So I hit up "Plan A" . He is my new (old) favorite and now has priority over all others. In cases of overbooking, even a last minute appointment from him will trump all previous engagements. We are sleuthing out the possibility and logistics of fulfilling my one and only fantasy. It involves at least 3 people and careful placement of body parts, which is why it is so complicated. Essentially, either the 3rd person has to be a female or the 3rd person is a bisexual male which is a deal breaker for "Plan A" . It's tricky, which is why I've never been able to get it done. Back to the drawing board, I guess... anyway. His schedule was tight and so was mine. I was supposed to be somewhere after work and it just didn't seem feasible. So I defaulted to "Plan B". Plan B was lookin flaky, taking too long to return text...

It is good if you have anxiety. Really good. So good infact that it is tempting all the time. Work sux- Pop a Klonopin Relationship is a blower- Pop a Klonopin Cant quite seem to fall asleep- take one... no, no, no, why not take 2? My best friend apparently took it for years. So totally agrees. And why bother and deal with some amount of stress or anxiety when you could just say fuckitall and bypass it. But bypassing it makes the dealing with everyday bullshit dreadful. Cuz you know you don't have to. I have to actively choose not to check out on a daily basis. Shit. Every day I have to choose to check in, when I know I'd much rather check out.

Funny things is that when people come here from searching google; More often than not, it is because they were looking for the lyrics of "I wanna fuck you but if I fuck you, Can I fuck your friend?" Apparently I am not the only one who loves this song.

Please do not read my blog immediately prior to, following or in lieu of Church Service. It is probably a bad idea. In the immortal words of DMX: It's dark and hell is hot....

Motherfuckers shootin again. Aint that a bitch.

OMG. So I tested out Klonopin and I need you to know that it is by far the awesomest thing since sliced bread. Like take your life. Take all the "give a damn". Toss it out the window. And not in the usual "empty, no point, no purpose" type of way. No. Like in the wonderful "Everything is just as it should be and all is right with the world" kind of way. I wouldn't take it everyday cuz I'm sure it'd lead to unemployment but... well damn. It's good shit. I feel like that guy in "Office Space". I'm just saying.... it's alil awesome.

I am looking at a condo or 2. I looked at my finances and I should be in one no later than 2010, tho i think i could swing it now...So sexy. These Junior one bedrooms are just enough for me. I think I'm in love with some housing....

I bequeath to you ignorance....

Gettin in at 5am after clubbing knowin damn well I gotta go to work tomorrow and then get on a plane, fly to NY and party til 5 all over again. I guarantee that my ass is asleep in the DJ booth tomorrow. SOOOOOO tired. going to rest now. Nap time.

Dear Period: Fuck you. I asked you for one thing. One fucking thing and you couldn't hold me down. Fuck you. You're dead to me.