Don't put pussy on Layaway. (What to do when things go awry)

Sometimes shit don't work out. Things seem to be goin straight and then shit just goes off track. It be like that sometimes. Thus is the drama that is humanity.

And after dating for about 10 years, I have some surefire things to take my mind off of my disappointments:

1. Plan A
   The current Plan A is actually Plan A version 2. Version 1 (which my Hampton peeps can attest to) was "that nigga Kobe". Kobe lives in B-more and had it not been for rising gas prices, he might still be Plan A.
   
   Plan A actually arose out of a necessity for me to (as I call it) "Knock feelings out of my uterus". Blame this theory on freshman year late night philosophizing. So, feelings get lodged in your uterus, and you can’t move on until they get knocked out. Kobe has taken me through quite a bit of heartache and every time I left, I felt refreshed. That is now Plan A version 2.0's job.
   
   The funny thing about Plan A (as he recently reminded me) is that we had hiccups in the beginning. Apparently I said "Penis shouldn't be this hard", to which he replied "Neither should pussy". We apparently worked out these kinks because my relationship with Plan A is the longest one I have had in the past 4 years, possibly because he knows me so well. When I told him I liked someone, he said "Whatever. I'll see you in three months." Plan A. He's a bastard, but he's my bastard.
   
   
2. Schedule future shit
   Hmmm. When something that you deeply enjoy lives out of town, you must schedule ahead of time.... Yup. Its getting to be that time soon. The return of Oh So Sexy. And not Catholicism or prophylactic issues, the ridiculous distance or time are going to keep me from it....
   
   Just thinking about it give me shivers. He does a body good. Like milk. Or vitamins. Or spinach even. Yeah...He holds a special place in my vagina. I designate the upper right vaginal wall to him and an 8th of my cervix.
   
   
3. Sparks with a stranger
   Headed into work today and locked eyes with a stranger. Got that spark of electricity that reminds me of the possibility of shit. I know where’d I'd prefer to be and that's great and all, but due to circumstances beyond my control, that ain’t possible. So I do what I do best: work hard, play hard, and continue on in the pursuit of things that titillate my mind and vagina. It just recently occurred to me that perhaps I won’t have a happily ever after. Perhaps it’s just not in the cards for me….
   
   But fuck it…
   
   If you can't smash tha one you want.... Smash the one you wit. and get your pussy ate too.

• Friday night I did a happy hour. Bad things happened:
  Apparently when I get drunk I make inappropriate statements like, "You want to eat my pussy", which led to the following conversation:
  
  Me: You want to eat my pussy.
  Drunk Southern Guy: No. I would, but that’s not the same thing as wanting to.
  Me: Yes it is.
  Drunk Southern Guy: No….
  Me: People only do what they want to do. You would eat my pussy because you want to. If you didn’t want to, you wouldn’t.
  Drunk Southern Guy: Hmm. That actually sounds pretty accurate.
  Me: Sometimes when I’m drunk, the bullshit sounds good. Sometimes…. Not so good.
  
  I then dared him to tie a cherry stem into a knot with his tongue.
  
  5 mins and no success. So I took the broken stem that he’d managed to mangle and tied it in a knot in under a minute and then yell “AND WHAT!”…
  
  Then I went across the room, did another one for the hell of it and walked over and dropped it in his drink. He says I was just showing off. Fuck it. Skill is skill.
  
  All in all, I learned a valuable lesson: 7 Tequila Sunrises plus some Long Island Iced Tea, plus some Vodka equals sick. I walked home in the cold. Then I got in the house, took 3 Aleve and got sick. Took 2 more Aleve and got sick again…. Took 3 more Aleve and passed out. Don’t take the Aleve until you are through regurgitating.
  
  
• Not everything in my life is right at this point. But there’s more right then wrong.
  
  
• Here are a few of my favorite phrases:
  Crying over spilled Penis: Sometimes shit don’t work out. It is what it is. Don’t cry. Move one. (This is easily reversed to “Don’t cry over spilled pussy” as well)
  
  WWOD: What would Obama do? (This is for when I feel like being good)
  
  WWODBD: What would Old Dirty Bastard Do? (This is for when I feel like being less good)
  
  Putting the Pussy on Layaway: This is for when you are holdin on to the pussy for that one dude, but yall aren’t together. This can be self imposed pussy layaway or it can be requested…. But I am adamantly anti Layaway. My pussy is a free spirit.
  
  
• For those who didn’t believe me about "The big dick Target"....
  I took photos; See below
  
  
  
  Note the condoms
  
  
  Lots of Trojans....
  
  
  This is the Only Magnum. 1 vibrating "whatever" with 1 condom in the box. That does me nooooo good. None. I hate that Target.