FUNK DAT (Fuck You Friday!)

FUNK DAT!
The first day of my period is by far the worst day of the month. I am a heinous and evil bitch.

On the first day of my period, I would rather do the following instead of talk to you:

• Stab you in the eye with a pencil.
  
• Slit your throat
  Or my personal favorite
  
• Disembowel you.

This is an Ode to "Tell em how you feel Thursday."... I'm calling it Fuck you, Friday.

• Dear Faux Nice Guy,
  
  First off, you from philly. Me and philly got issues. Last time I was in philly, nothin too crazy happened. But the time before that a stripper tried to fight me. Me and philly have beef and I hold you accountable for it. City of brotherly love My dick!
  
  Anyways, I will never go out with you. It has become real apparent to me that I will never drop draws for you so why bother going on a date.
  
  I think your niceness is really bullshit. You say shit that turns me off constantly. Even if it weren't for your strained attempts at conversation (I'm sure your tattoo is awesome), statements like "Most women are scattered" do not turn me on. You strike me as controling and judgemental. I do not thrive well under that kind of scrutiny.
  
  Also, speaking disparigingly of weaves gets you no bonus points wit me. Just cuz I don't have a weave doesn't mean I condone weave bashing. Such trivial matters as what another female puts on her head are irrelevant to me and I don't feel that I'm any better than people with false hair so complimenting me on my real hair gets you no where. You could easily be rockin a toupee in a few years your damn self...
  
  
• To the guy who said "Perhaps you are the type of strong female who could accept the fact that her man cheats and have him come home every night and not trip on him."
  
  You must not read this blog. Is that meant to be a compliment?
  
  First off, letting a dirty triflin man come up in my bed after runnin his dick through any gutter broad who let's him hit ain't strong. That's tha weakest shit ever.
  
  Not only will I not condone or accept your man whoring. No no no. To the contrary, we will straight scrap. I'll fuck you up. Hot grits nigga, hot grits. I don't play that shit. I straight snoop.
  
  You wanna run the streets? Tell me. Shit. You ain't gotta leave. I'll leave.
  
  I been in tha DC area since elementary school. I got decade old dick scattered through this city. Do you, cuz trust. I could do me more...
  
  Ill quit you like I'd quit a shitty job with no benefits.
  
  Bet I can even book better bitches than you... Cuz you cute but don't get it twisted. I'm fine.
  
  
• To all yall young folks,
  
  Yall fucking up tha game. Running game is an art. Yall niggas making a hot mess in these streets. Got people distraught and shit. Smmfh.
  
  Lemme just drop two pearls of wisdom for that ass:
  
  
  1. Selective honesty:
     
     This very well can save yo ass. When your mark knows that you have nothing to gain from honesty, you break they guard down. You gain brownie points for honesty and set them up for future game running galore.
     
     Cuz while they think you have nothing to gain, you really sitting back with your eyes on the most valuable prize possible : Their trust....
     
     But remember to be selective. Don't tell your mark that you fucked they sister and they cousin. You want something incriminating, not damning.
     
     
  2. Be picky bout who you do your dirt with:
     
     Cheating on your girl with a single broad (specially a lonely one) is bout the worst move you can ever make. Think of all the time and energy you're gonna have to give this person. Now you basically got all the aggravation of 2 relationships. Booo to your fuckery of the game.
     
     Fuck a married bitch with a hostile ass husband, specially if she got kids with him. You want to get one who is financially and emotionally satisfied with her husband but not satisfied sexually. She knows where home is. She can't be on your phone all the time without fuckin herself over, too. And she'll take that secret to her grave. If only to save herself from catchin an ass whoopin from her hostile ass husband.
  
  
  
  "All these Lonely girls wanna Fuckkkkk.... It's okay!!! Just choose wisely.
  
  That's all I'm givin yall motherfuckers. Get ya game up. Seriously. Read a book.
  
  
• To my Homie lover friends,
  
  To those whom I love with no complications or issues. I told you the other day and I meant it. I love you better than relationships. Cuz you are me. with a Penis. :*
  
  
• To the crackhead who aske me for a cigarette:
  No need to confess "I'm an addict". I have seen you around the neighborhood. I saw you sweeping "nothing", walking lightning fast down the alley. I know you are sad. I saw your broom, broken into peices, lying in the street. I'm sorry that you can no longer sweep imaginary shit.
  
  
• To the lady that almost killed me as I was crossing the street.
  Thank you for not running me over. Sorry that I almost gave you a heart attack when you almost killed me. Dan would be super pissed if I were dead so thanks for not murking me.
  
  
• To the coach purse that I have yet to have a chance to carry:
  
  I love you dearly. But as stated above, The neighborhood crackhead wanders around on the regular. I am scared to have you snatched. You are the third most expensive thing I own (and if you think about it, technically the bank owns my car still).
  
  
  
  
• Dear Thursday Nights at Shadowroom.
  I would rather spend a night suffering all the elements of the Nine circles of hell than spend a Thursday night in Shadowroom. Seriously.
  
  
• Dear PYT who I never gave enough time to:
  You are so very fucking fine. And sweet. I should give you some. You live real far tho. Imma put you on my list of things to do. Wit yo cute, fine, dimple having, cut abs, 21 year old ass. I bet you still live with your parents too. Umm umm umm. Do you have a curfew? I might keep yo ass out late tonight... ;)