Under no circumstances will I ever lick you ass...Ever

Weird sex requests

I actually got into a conversation about this the other day and thought it might make a good blog. I've personally received requests for all of the shit that is listed below and all of it was weird to me... Might not be weird to you but shit... I'm sexually conservative.

If you recognize yourself... Don't get mad at me. You know what you did, you know what you requested, and you knew damn well when you opened your freak mouth that I had a blog. Be thankful I ain't hyperlink your Facebook accounts to this shit.

Weird
  • When you ask me for a hand job...
    You are way more qualified to jerk your own dick than I am. Aren't there better things that we can do with our time?

  • When you asked if you could lick my ass.
    You can do it but no kisses for you... No.

  • When you ask if you can put your thumb in my ass...
    Why would you want to? Really. But if it makes you happy, I guess..

  • Anal...
    This isn't actually that weird. But I'm weird about anal. I only want to do it if it is your first time. I like to do new things and though it ain't new to me, it is new to you. So that 1st time, Okay. Any other time after that, I have no interest.

  • When you ask to suck on my toes...
    Fuck it. Whatever floats your boat.

  • When you ask if you can rub baby oil gel on my ass cheeks while hitting it from the back….
    Not on my bed. You just makin a mess at this point.

    Weirder
  • When you ask me to suck your toes...
    Uh uh. No can do. Crusty man foot shant enter my mouth.

  • When you ask me to play with your dick with my foot....
    Like you want me to grasp your dick with my foot? My toes? What tha fuck?

  • Tittie fucking...
    The last thing I want is my chest covered in lotion while you push my breast together and thrust between them. That shit don't make no sense.

  • When you excessively dry hump me...
    Middle school much?

  • When you want to sex me while I have high heels on...This is strictly at your own risk. You lose an eye, don't come cryin to me. No law suits.

    Weirdest
  • When you have a Panty Hose fetish...
    So you want me to wear Panty Hose and then like cut a hole in the center and then you wanna do nasty shit? I don't even own panty hose. This just got way too complicated for me.

  • When you ask if I will put my thumb in your ass....Whoa... Now I wonder about you...

  • When you want me to pee on you....
    I will pee on you but probably by accident. If I do pee on you, like on purpose, it can't be at my house. No no no. Not on my bed.

  • When you want to pee on me...
    Only under the following conditions.
    1. If it's at your house, not mine.
    2. If you stay away from my face and hair
      and
    3. I immediately shower after... Hence - this shit ain't foreplay.


  • There is no possible circumstance that I will eat your ass. None.

  • When you want to doo doo on me.
    Poo. Oh no. No no no. Hell no.

  • When you request rough ball play....
    I guess (*shakes head vigorously) Men are weird.

  • When you want me to kiss your chest, or suck your nipples...
    Same as the thumb in the ass thing. That shits odd. Wait.. Did you also ask me to stick my thumb in your ass? You might be gay.

  • Cuckolding.
    No. It would not turn me on to have sex with him while you watch. Does that turn you on? Isn't that alil gay. Just alil...

    Ps. Please keep your tongue out of my ear. Always. I took a poll. We don't like that shit. No. We don't.

  • This thought actually came from reading another blog, "...yup, simone be talkin shit"

    Please check it out. Long story short, Simone is critiquing a Groupies encounter with Bobby Valentino's lil ass penis and it got me to thinking about how I get away when I see that it ain't worth my pussy juice to be bothered.

    So, here is a list the excuses I use to escape from potentially whack penis:
    1. "I press charges."
      1st off, I do and 2nd, the mere thought of possible police presence will get a man way the hell off of you.

    2. (shake my head vigorously with tha pooh-pooh face) "I don't want it. I don't want it."

    3. "Oh snap. I think I just heard my mama callin for me... I got to go."
      This one cracks me up because they know, as do I, that my mama lives in Atlanta.

    4. "Oh. So, you raping now? That's what's hot? That's what's hot in tha streets for 09? Takin pussy? That's how you do? Really tho?"
      This one works well with a forceful guy, but you gotta keep tha straight face. Laugh and its over, but if you do it with the proper incredulous look, it will make dick go soft. Trust me…

    5. "Naw, I’m good."
      And leave. End scene.


  • If we kick it and then we stop talking and you reappear 6 months later... I automatically assume you are trying to give me HIV. Sorry. It is what it is.

    Tip for the Day:
    MEN. If you are over the age of 20, keep lube by your bedside. You can’t fuck people for hours at a time without it. Don’t take it personal, like your not doing something right. It’s not about that. It’s about my personal fucking philosophy… “Everytime I do it, I try to make it the BEST TIME EVER, and if a bottle of Eros or KY Silky can take it from an 6.5 to a 9 or 10… you better bust that shit out and quit fucking around with your pride and ego. Shiiiiieeeeettttt”

    Fin

    • Comments

    simone_dior said…
    so there i was about to go to sleep..i click on my favorites tabs on my phone to read my favorite blog (yours)and this joint had me hystericaldyinglaughing to the point i shed tears. clawdhammercysavemejesus!! These folks are lucky you didn't hyperlink they asses (i lightweight wish you would have--in case it was anyone i know-- so i could teeheehaw @ them for life); this could be the end of them ever getting any relations!
    10/3/09 11:46 PM
    Untouched Jewel said…
    Wow. This shit is way too funny for words. A dude wanted you to stick your thumb in his ass?! And then another wanted you to do an R. Kelly (pissin on you)? HELL TO THE NAW, DAMMIT! I digress.

    What the fuck is the male species coming to? Next thing you know some random ass dude will ask you to do a threesome with him and a chimp (cringing).
    10/3/09 11:52 PM
    Kookie said…
    You seriously need to compile this stuff into a book and just sell it...I stumbled upon this bog a week ago and I'm telling you its makes my days at grad school go faster! As for the licking in the ear ish...please tell me why guys think that's sexy? seriously...they invented q-tips to clean my ear why they feel they need to go to work in your ear and consider that shit foreplay is so beyond me...it insults my limited sexual intelligence!
    11/3/09 2:56 AM
    Anonymous said…
    I like Lube... Lube if fucking awesome as a matter of fact... but I also like to go back and forth from sticking to licking and lube prevents that from happening. What kind of dude wants you to play with his wee wee with your feet? What kind of dudes you attracting???
    11/3/09 7:36 AM
    Nola Darling said…
    i don't kiss guys if they've eatin out my ass either... that's a no no... you better brush your teeth first playa... LOL!

    Nola*
    11/3/09 12:23 PM
    Dope Fiend said…
    When you want to pee on me...
    Only under the following conditions.


    AY! what conditions are you taking about .....naaaaah that is BUN! lol

    dont do iiiiit!
    31/3/09 4:37 PM
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