I'm in Miami, Bitch!!!

October 15, 2009

Ok, so I'm actually back from Miami. I haven't been writing as much lately. Between work and personal, theres never enough time in the day. Lemme just recap Miami for you.

I got drunk Wednesday night and wandered home to find a dude asleep in the cubbyhole to my apartment. Real talk, I thought it was my roomie when I walked up. Like "Damn Bitch! You couldn't even make it in the door?" But no. It was random sleepy man. He was very apologetic tho. I told him, "Fuck it. Folk gotta sleep and shit".

Lets just say this : Wine plus Ciroc.... tasty but not the best idea. When I woke up for my plane on Thursday, I was not in the best shape. I arrived at the airport hungover and confused.

Get on the plane and finally arrive. Here are my pics of firsts.

1st drank

First meal

First drunk pic

First drunk clothing change

Apparently, Miami is the land of "TOO MUCH DAMN ALCOHOL".... Like buy one get one free, but one costs 25 dollars and is roughly 80 ounces of drunk... I like a bargain just as much as the next chick but damn.... damn.

Also, Miami is where Day 26 rejects go to nail America's Next Top Model rejects so they can procreate and make genetically substandard offspring. Lots of product. Like Jersey.... Cept with more nudity.

There is this guy in Miami: He dresses up like Batman. When I say he dresses up like Batman, I really mean he wanders around with a mask on acting slutty. See below.

At some point in here he told Megan that he wanted to be the seasoning on her eggs.

Yeah.....

Yes, that is a stripper outfit. And tho you cannot see it, he commited thoroughly. He is wearing a thong. smh.

I could hit the low and high notes but honestly, in 90 degree weather with a fairly constant stream of alcohol in my system, my memory is spotty.

Miami is the land of ignant ass tees

Fifty cents tho?

Drunk in the club. Miami clubs are awesome. There are pole dancing chicks and people who pour shots in your mouth like magic. LIKE DRUNK MAGIC.

Views

This made me sad until someone told me it was Mahi-Mahi. That shit is good.

Randomnesses that occured:

We were headed to the liquor store and theses guys were like "Where you goin?" to which we replied "Liquor store!" then they said "We got liquor." Skkkkkrrrrrt. So we end up crackin them lil mini bottles and I pour some Barcardi into a cup with some cran-apple juice and feel ballerific. Then these fools pull out a cooler and go "Would you like some organic grapes?".... Really tho? Bootleg drinks out the back of a van and organic grapes out of yo random cooler. Thanks for keepin it classy but we got to go.

NOTE: If you're on my facebook, you can see this. If not... Oh well. It's just drunken video of pole girls....
I was headed back from the club in the above video when these guys stopped me.
GUYS: Where you headed?
Drunk Me: My feet hurt. I'm goin back to the hotel.
GUYS: My friends gonna rub yo feet.
Drunk Me: MY FEET HURT. You are impeding my progress.
GUYS: Impeding? What are you, some kind of technician?
Drunk Me: Actually... Yes. I am.
Fine bouncer guy kidnaps me to the beach; oddness ensues.
Fine Bouncer: How you like Miami?
Me: It's ok, I guess.
Fine Bouncer: What's wrong? Can't find anyone to talk to.
Me: First off, I'm talking to you right now but even if I wasn't I don't need all that. Like, someone to talk to...
Fine Bouncer: You don't need me?
Me: No. I stand here cuz I choose to not cuz I NEED too. Thats a much bigger compliment. Trust.
Fine Bouncer: Oh. Ok.
Me: Wait... Are you trying to dry hump me standing up?
Fine Bouncer: You'd make a beautiful baby....
Me: Oh hell no. I got to go.
And here is why American Airlines is Bollocks:
How to get home from Miami...
1. Get a 7am call letting you know your flight is cancelled. Be annoyed.
2. Call the airline and realize that your flight has been rescheduled from Monday at 12:30 pm to Tuesday 10pm arriving Weds morning.
3. Realize that this makes no sense and that you desperately need to get out of Miami and never come back.
4. Have them reschedule you so that you leave around 11am and then transfer in Dallas to get to BWI at 5.
5. Realize that this is bullshit. Leave ASAP.
6. Get to the airport. Run around. and argue with the fucking guy who won't check my bag cuz he's "tryin to save me 20 dollars". Go inside and check my fucking bag.
7. Get lost finding security. Take a Klonopin.
8. Get food for later.
9. Stop by duty free and spray on some of my fave perfume. Relax.
10. Find out my flight is oversold. Get on anyway. Breathe deep and try not to curse.
11. Sit next to a guy from Dallas who convinces me to come visit him.
12. Part ways and do a nomadic type trek across Dallas Fort Worth airport.
13. Almost miss my next flight.
14. Finally arrive at BWI. Get my bag and take a Super shuttle home.
15. Miss my date. Curse alot. Swear never to take American Airlines again.

And in Conclusion: AMERICAN AIRLINES SUCKS. THE End. Back from Miami Bitch!!!

And Ill take you out wit random pics...

We saw this dude in the club and laughed for about 10 minutes cuz he looked like a rapist. Also, you can't see it but he has 2 pairs of sunglasses. One on his shirt and one on his head... at night.