My path ain't your path... (Ps. Babies are parasites)

I can honestly say that I've been exploring lately.

Exploring my limits. Exploring my wants and desires. Breaking out of my preconceived notions of what "happiness" is supposed to look like and what my life should be comprised of.

There's been alot of talk about what shit is supposed to be. Apparently I am supposed to meet a man, get married, make a baby and then.... I guess raise some kids and die.

This shit does not sound like a win to me. I know married people. A lot of them are very unhappy. I also know a lot of people with kids and apparently that shit ain't all it's cracked up to be either.

I was eating "Birthday Sushi" with my dad and we were discussing how pregnant women can't eat sushi. I was thinking about the reasons behind that. Parasites. Hmmmm, why would babies be threatened by parasites? And then I realized the obvious. Babies are also parasites and they don't like the competition.

A baby parks itself in your guts for 9 months. It saps your energy and eats half of your fucking food.... then it pops out. If we were in one of those "Alien" movies, you'd bludgeon it to death. But no.... Babies are made "cute" to prevent you from beating them to death the minute they pop out. It's a scam I tell you... A SCAM!

Periodically, I'll talk to someone who has kids and they'll try and convince me that having kids is the most rewarding thing you can do with your life. Like, raising a child successfully is the greatest shit you can do.

Now, lemme ask you this: Say I loiter for 9 months, pop out a kid, ride out 18 years and then pat myself on the back for not raising a sociopath. Couldn't I have just dodged pregnancy all together and consequently never created this potential "menace to society".... It's not like the world is lacking children, or people pressed to make them so I'm pretty sure I can sit this one out.

My homeboy recently asked me, "Do you plan on being a spinster?"

Hmmm. What does that entail? Apparently lots of cats.

Is that the worst thing I can do with my life? Not get married? Not settle down into a life of conjoined credit and 19 - 30 year obligations to ungrateful children. The putting aside of my dreams and goals to pause and raise a child or two?

I don't know that I understand this construct. I'm still not sure I get monogamy and I honestly don't know that monogamy is for me. How can the dual parts of my personality be satisfied by merely one person? I have a masculine and a feminine side that require drastically different things for me to be satiated. Every time I try to forgo one in favor of the other, I am inevitable left displeased with the result.

If "Love" is wanting another person to be happy, and the person you "Love" needs another lover to be satisfied and happy, is it truly love if you don't let the meet that need?

Can we redefine love, please? Because all the love I have seen has been selfish. Love isn't blind. It's narcissistic. It sees itself, protects and feeds itself.

Here is what I want. My relationship wish list per say: I want 2 relationships concurrently. I want a boyfriend and a girlfriend. They can love or hate each other... or not even know each other for that matter. Don't really care but they cannot sexually interact with each other. I want to date both of them, be satisfied and be happy. I don't want to talk about feelings alot. I would be monogamous with both of them (yes, I did just say that). I cannot say what they can or cannot do. The only thing I require is that my sexual, emotional and intellectual needs get met.

Beyond that, they should explore whatever pleases them. I don't think this is an unreasonable request. Now, I know this sounds alil off kilter but it works in my head, on paper and in practice.

I could require them to be monogamous with me as well, but personally I don't care. It's not my desire to limit the happiness of those I care about. In hashing out this idea, the central theme of "If they are fucking other people, so should you" keeps popping up. It is not my desire to roam the streets merely to have a sexual tit for tat. If I am satisfied, I am satisfied. I don't feel the need to be able to say "Ha! I fucked someone else too."

"To make love for revenge, or pain, what is that? It hurts the mind, and the soul it shrinks. The soul grows smaller. And perhaps it even dies."

I cannot even pretend to fathom these "rules" for life. So I'm through. I know what I want. I know what works for me and I know that I can't follow the path that everyone else seems to be wandering. It ain't for me.

Like the illustrious Mr West said :

How could a goddess ask someone that's only average for advice, OMG, you listen to that bitch?

My path ain't your path and honestly, who ever did something spectacular by walkin in someone else's footprints?

They say it takes two, but I'll be damned if sometimes it don't take 3....


*stacie-ann said…
babies are precious. each his own. live your life as you please...
FUD's Momma said…
I;ve got lots of opinions of this: As someone who's married and just had a kid: LOVE being married (most of the time) . I also LOVE my daughter...hate what she's done to my body and my social life. I'm a little bitter yes, but after having had this "rewarding experience" I know that my life could have still been complete without it. I always wanted kids and she's a joy but you can be just as happy adopting a toddler and skipping through this infant madness.

Also they claim it's only 9 months it's actually 10 ...ugh
Enigma Jones said…
I definately hear you on the baby thing and I'm a mom myself. But its really not for everyone and that should be respected. It's funny how men are never pressured to start families and shit and can be single their entire lives with no one thrwoing words like "selfish" and "Spinster" at them. What kind of bullshit is that??!?!?? I can also understand you needing/wanting both a man and a woman to satisy for various needs. The whole monagamy thing is old anyway and if we think of WHY it became the norm in the first place, we'd see that it's no longer neccessary in today's world. Nevermind the fact that the life expectancy of the average person is MUCH greater than it was 50 yrs ago. If the Cleavers knew that "til death do us part" meant 50, 60, or even 70 yrs of waking up to the same mofo I wonder how happily ever after they would have been. lol
Yeah. I'm pretty much guaranteed and destined for a future as a spinster. I've known it for a long time, just like I've known since I was 9 that I didn't want kids. I'm tired. I'm tired and I have simply just. stopped. giving. a. fuck.


I look at the world, and I look at my girlfriends who want all these things wrapped up in one guy and I think "You are waiting on a unicorn."

Ugh. It gives me a headache.

Also, people lie to themselves. A LOT.

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