The Good, the Bad & the Semi-Literate

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Who likes Jell-o? It’s just juice that jiggles.” 5/24/2010

“Is there a movie about invisible sharks? Cause we should make one.Think how cheap it’d be!” 5/26/2010

“If I lived in a village, I’m sure they’d, like, put me down. They’dbe, like, ‘you’re too weird to live.’” 5/26/2010

“It is better . . . to have eaten . . . and lost . . . . than to never have eaten at all.” 5/27/2010

“. . . I was just thinkin’ you’d make a horrible woman. I mean, evenif you shaved the beard, you’d still be too lazy to gussy it up.”5/27/2010

“I love bar codes. I’ma bar code my kids. ‘It’s 10:00 pm, do youknow where your kids are?’ *Bloop!* Got ‘em!” 5/28/2010

“Wouldn’t it be great, like, if you had a friend who could pop-lockreal well, and you get them drunk and put them in a cow suit and madethem pop-lock for you?” 6/2/2010 (Ed: This was entirely unsolicitedand unrelated to anything that was going on).

“If there were giant hamsters, they would look like you . . . . . . Ithink that’s a compliment.” 6/8/2010

“I like your hair! It says ‘business in the back, party in thefront.’ It’s, like, a reverse mullet.” 6/8/2010

“We should have, like, one day a month where we get you a cheap shirt,like, a cheap hand-me-down shirt, like, five people had it before youkinda shirt, and then you’ll just Hulk out of it. ‘Cause really, whodoesn’t wanna just Hulk outta stuff? I think it’d be even better ifit was a Members Only jacket, cause then you gotta find a Members Onlyjacket, then you gotta . . .” 6/14/2010 (Ed: Totally unrelated to anyprevious conversation. This was the beginning of the conversation.)

(Ed: With regard to the above). “. . . It was related to theconversation going on in my head . . .” 6/14/2010

(Ed: In response to being whistled at on the street). “I was supposedto go out tonight, and I was supposed to change and put on heels and ajacket and all, but I feel like this outfit’s workin’ for me.”6/15/2010.

“You know what I wish? That I had legions of tiny, tiny penguins todo my bidding. They’d be really small. They’d nip at your ankles.You’d be in constant fear. What are you doing? Are you writing thisdown?” 6/15/2010

“It’s times like these I wish I had those f#!*in’ penguins.” 6/15/2010

J: “Well now I know that, and knowing’s half the battle.”Me: “You know it ‘cause I figured it out!”J: “Figuring it out was the other half of the battle . . .” 6/22/2010

“I need to get you a bobblyhead doll. It’d be you, but bobblyhead . .. . . . . . er than you are.” 6/22/2010

“I googled ‘evil slinky’ hoping to get a picture of a slinky with evileyes on it, but nothing came up . . . . it’s not unreasonable . . . .. maybe I googled it wrong.” 6/23/2010

(11:08 AM) jbrown: i is happy today. I woke up and put on pants andwas like "YEAH. A.M. AND I GOT PANTS ON!!!!!" 6/23/2010

“. . . you’re like if a hamster decided to stand on two legs, and beevil . . .” 6/24/2010

J: “What’s the patron saint of prostitutes?”Me, googling: “St. Nick.”J: “Yeah it is. Ho, ho, ho . . .” 6/30/10

“You ever get so tired that you just wanna end your life, just ‘causeit seems like a really long nap? Not like life isn’t great, or I’msad, but just ‘cause I’d get to sleep for a long time if I suicided.”6/30/10

“What’s wrong with thanking oxygen? You need it . . . . it’s there .. . . need met!” 7/1/10

“I look at it this way: I’m sleep deprived, I’m a little hungover, I’mmasking it with electrolyte pills, but I’m not in Queens, and I haveall my limbs. You just gotta look at it that way.” 7/1/10

“I’m waiting for my ‘real New York experince’ when I get roofied.When does that happen?” 7/1/10. Ed: (There were air quotes. Yesthere were.)

“Why does everything revolve around alcohol? I’m serious! It hurts.No one’s taking that into account . . . .the pain. I gotta learn howto turn down a drink.” 7/1/10

“I’m not from Jersey, but when in Rome, listen to dance music and fistpump.” 7/1/10

“Between tequila, Cinco de Mayo, and piñatas, I heart Mexico.Blatantly.” 7/2/10

“(11:49 AM) jbrown: gettin funky on these drives like an old batch ofcollard greens.” 7/2/10

Me: “You always lose your blackberry.”J: “No I don’t! It’s on my sheep.” 7/2/10

“I’d make a crappy Tina Turner. My hair doesn’t get big enough.” 7/6/10

“I’m so glad you’re here and alive. You’re should work on stayingthat way fer, like, forever. Put that on your to-do-list. ‘Stayalive.’ . . . . sweet infant baby Jesus, where’s my stapler . . . ”7/6/10

“If hard drives killed you, I’d put you on a dolly and wheel youaround with sunglasses on, like Weekend at Bernie’s. If it worked ina 1980’s movie, why wouldn’t it work in real life? I think we all sawMannequin . . . . valuable life lessons.” Pause. “How did they havea Weekend at Bernie’s 2? He could only die once.” 7/7/10

(Ed: Related to nothing) “You could fill a piñata with gummi bears,right? You’d just have to make sure it’s not too hot out.” 7/7/10

J: “Why’s your rice so orange? Is it arroz con a l’orange?”Me: “That’s two languages and 3 kinds o’ crazy.”J: “Yeah, but you understood it.” 7/13/10

“You know what accounting is like? A math sorority . . .” 7/13/10

“I’ve started to expound on the crazy. It’s no longer just soundbites of crazy.” 7/13/10

“I also hate all black and white movies. I’m, like, get some color upin that piece. My opinion is valid! It’s just as valid as critics’and -ologists’.” 7/13/10

“Sometimes you just have to have a baby by Lil’ Wayne. Sometimes it’sjust what you have to do today.” 7/14/10

(Ed: During a discussion of electrolyte pills and their curativeeffects on hangovers). “It cuts it by a good solid 50%. Instead ofwaking up and wishing for death, you wake up and wish for . . . morewater.” 7/15/10

“I don’t trust the elderly, kids, or puppies. Tryin’ to get by oncuteness, then all of a sudden they’re a zombie, biting your neck.You’re like ‘oh, you’re cute . . . oh wait’.” 7/15/10

“I look at it like this: You can save the children, but what worldare you saving them for? There’re zombies! They can’t play outside,there’s zombies out there! And old people? They’re gonna becrazy-strong old people zombies.” 7/15/10

“My cat lost her couch, ‘cause we’re renovating, so now she justsprawls out on cardboard boxes like a hobo cat. That’s what you getfor takin’ shit for granted, hobo cat!” 7/15/10

“I wanna buy a baby lamb. I’d Little-Bo-Peep the hell outta thatshit.” 7/15/10

“We should play a . . . aww, we’re at work. I was gonna say we shouldmake a drinking game out of it.Stupid work. Spoils everything.” 7/16/10

“Hey John. One day, you’re gonna have kids. One day, you’re gonnahave to teach those kids to drive. I hope you’re ready for it. Did Ijust mess up your Tuesday? Sorry!” 7/20/10

“I wear my glasses to drive, because they make things clear, but whenI’m walking around the city I don’t wear them, because things arecrazy, and I wanna keep that shit fuzzy.” 7/20/10

“I like to use captions while I watch TV so I can use both sides of mybrain; the smart side, and the dumb side. ‘Cause, not only did I seethat shit, I read it.” 7/21/10

(Ed: The following is a selection of chats received via BlackberryMessenger while the editor was on vacation for a week. All spellingand punctuation is accurate.)

Did you get me a Space Otter?

Aaaaallllllllllll by MMMMMYYyyself

Whatcha eattttin

By the mighty power of RAED and his magical dolphins, I swear, iffin Idon’t get an otter imam hold my breath until I die!

Its soooooooooo lame here. Theyres no you or otters? Or hamsters and shit

M pan ada

Wish I had a Muppet. Sadface.

“I plague you with a curse of babies.” 8/2/2010

(Ed: Related to the above) “Every time you dash my hopes, they swim10% faster. Just think about that. Keep dashin, mother@*$#er . . .”8/2/2010

“We could coat you in Cheez Whiz and call you Senor Cheez Whiz.Y’know?” – 8/5/2010

(Ed: Regarding the editor.) “The fact that he doesn’t live somewherein a cabin somewhere, plotting against the world, constantly shocksme. He’s got the facial hair, and the woodworking, and the randomskills. I should probably get off the phone, though, ‘cause he’sprobably writing this all down. All’s I’m sayin’ is I can see it. Ifhe starts getting’ disgruntled . . .” 8/5/2010

“So says Whoopi. Yes, I have taken to watching The View. Don’t judgeme. When menopause comes, I’ll be ready.” 8/6/2010

(Ed: The following is a selection of chats received via BlackberryMessenger while the subject was on vacation for three days. Allspelling and punctuation is accurate.)

Ipoached a egg. Imma eats it. Imma eats it good

2 things I learned today. Cold case is a horrible tv show and peoplecan eat Beggin strips. Yep. I keep you up on facts

If you think about it, we all really kinda resemble gerbils and hamsters

I really think you should invest some time in learning to breakdance

“I had a boyfriend who left a didgeridoo by the door, and I was like,“you’ve got to go.” Who leaves a didgeridoo at someone’s house?”8/16/10

“When you scratch it, it spreads. Knowledge I learned from AdamSandler movies. *Thumbs Up*.” 8/16/2010

“I just don’t think I should be the only one subjected to the crazythat’s in my head. I think a) it should be shared, and b) I shouldn’tbe the only one.” 8/18/2010

“I lost five pounds, like by accident. That’s creepy. I could havethe tape of the worm.” 8/19/2010

“Ow. I have chest pain. I felt like a tiny monkey paw had gripped mychest. The heart part. The bottom ventricle. And it squeezed. Butthen it let go. Who really needs a ventricle?” 8/20/2010

“So, yesterday I tried to buy an evil monkey paw on the internet. Whywould they not sell that?” 8/24/2010

“Do you think 1,000 dollars is too much to invest in a monkey paw?What if it grants me three wishes? Three eeeeeeevil wishes?”8/24/2010

“People are people, but if I cut you up and put you in a sandwich,it’d be meat. It’d be a you sandwich. You would needmaaadtenderizer. Unless I put you in a slow-cooker. But where wouldI get a crockpot? I don’t eat meat!” 8/24/2010

“I wish I had a human sized burrito.” Ponder. “It couldn’t feed theworld . . . but it could feed a lotta people.” 8/25/2010

(Ed: If she were a fruit or vegetable, what kind of fruit or vegetablewould she be) “A pineapple. Confounding . . . and delicious! Like,I can’t eat your center! What’s up with that? Also, it’s myfavorite.” 8/25/2010

“It’d be cool to be a waitress for a week. ‘Cause everything Idropped off I can say, ‘you just got served!’ But only for a week.”8/25/2010

J: “You know what I wish? I wish that one day you could pop up and beBilly Zane. Just for one day. You could wish I was somebody else forjust one day, too.”Me: ”Why Billy Zane?”J: “Why not Billy Zane? When is he not awesome? I guess you could beGhost Ship.”Me: “Is that even a person?”J: “That’s a movie. But seriously, how many movies do you know aboutships? Titanic and Ghost Ship. Of all the movies about ships, GhostShip is definitely in the top 5.”Me: “You just told me there are 2 movies about ships, and that it’s inthe top 5.”J: “Well if there’s only 2, then it’s gotta be in the top 5. Theyshould really make more movies about ships.” 8/30/2010

(Ed: Regarding the fact that she uses other people’s CVS cards.) “Youshould see the points they get me. Off the chain! They must havekids. Or that stuff. Athlete’s foot.” 8/30/2010

(Ed: With regard to strange banging noises in the office.) “We shouldjust wander the halls with a flashlight and Nancy Drew this out.”8/31/2010

“There’s things outsides. Like bugs, and oxygen, and New Yorkers.Not so much oxygen, more New Yorkers.” 9/1/2010

(3:15 PM) jbrown: Mi nombre es Jeanetta. Yo como espanol y quierobueno espanol mas(3:15 PM) jshumway: My name is Jeanetta. I eat spanish and want goodspanish more.

“If you were a puppy and you had sneakers, you’d be trying to chew onthem, that’s how much no good you’re up to. I’d put you in a cone ofshame. You’d get the cone.” 9/1/2010

(4:23 PM) jbrown: did you know i was gonna drive you thiiiiiis crazy tho.(4:23 PM) jbrown: basic crazy.... okay. but this is like premuim crazy(4:24 PM) jbrown: like cable

“I wish Jackie Chan was here.” 9/2/2010

“I wish I had a lemur.” 9/2/2010

“I wish the Swedish Chef would do a version of Eye of the Tiger.*Bloop, bloop boop bloop*.” 9/2/2010

“You know what I hate? Alien abductions. You wanna swoop down inyour flying saucer, snatch me up, experiment on me? Do I come to yourhouse, experiment on you? You should call first. That’s rude. Theleast they could do is call. What if I was in the middle of somethingimportant? We couldn’t have a time that would be mutually agreeable,so they don’t have to interrupt my whole life? “ 9/3/2010

“I wish I was a Canadian sitcom. I’d say ‘aboot.’ And ‘soorry.’” 9/3/2010

“If I have to continue to pop my collar to shake these hatas off,you’re gonna owe me a new collar.” 9/7/2010

(Ed: Regarding noises upstairs in the office.) “You should justignore it. You clearly did not live in enough apartments as a kid.Unless I hear a scream and a thud . . . and then I’d call from apayphone, cause I don’t wanna be a witness. There’s no winnin’ inbein’ a whatchamacalit . . . ‘witness’.” 9/7/2010

“The force is strong within me, and the will is weak within you. Youwill fall to the dark side, and I will get a cool hat.” 9/8/2010

“You’re like a penguin . . . friendly . . . but coooooldd.” 9/8/2010

“You definitely can’t barbeque a panda at the zoo. Someone wouldcapture you.” 9/9/2010

“I would tell you, but you would just judge me. With your eyebrows.Wispy peaks of evil.” 9/9/2010

“(4:29 PM) jbrown: am i the only one who perceives "open bar" to be apersonal consumption challenge?” 9/9/2010

“It’s like the bar ran up on me and called me a punk.” 9/9/2010

“It’s like you’re built to be someone’s suburban dad. Go get yourselfa house. Go. You need one. With a backyard and some swings.”9/10/2010

Me: “Do you want to go back to berating IT?”J: “I was kinda gettin’ into it . . .” 9/10/2010

(Ed: By BBM on a Sunday) “Itd be cool to fill a bathtub w squirrels.” 9/12/2010

“What’s that movie with the guy from 300 and Jennifer Aniston wherehe’s a bounty hunter? Maybe it’s The Bounty Hunter . . .” 9/13/2010

“If I had an ice pick . . . . . .” 9/13/2010

(Ed: By BBM) “I donbt think abe lincoln liked the ladies” 9/14/2010

“I want to LOL on that panda’s face. I’m just sayin’ . . .” 9/14/2010

J: “You know what, John?”Me: “What?”J: “. . . I didn’t really have a follow-up to that . . .” 9/14/2010

“This book smells good. You wanna smell it? No really, it does. Youknow that smell that books have? One day they won’t have that smellanymore. They’ll have, like, Kindle, and the internets. It’ll belike audio cassettes. Where do you even play them in? And won’t themusic be warbly? Tapes were not good. That’s probably why they’regone . . .” 9/15/2010

“Your face is a wookie-bear.” Pause. “That didn’t sound right.” 9/16/2010

“I get ignorant and thoughty when I get drunk.” 9/20/2010

“I say thoughtful statements of awesome.” 9/20/2010

J: “I gotta see the second one of those, ‘cause I saw the first one,and I liked it. It had pants, and they travelled.”Me: “I couldn’t’ve gotten that from the title?”J: “Shut up! I like pants! And travelling! And it’s kind of asisterhood! You like pants, too. You wear them every day. You alsolike travelling. But you’re indifferent towards sisterhood. Still,that’s 2 out of 3. You should watch it.” 9/20/2010


One day long after Im dead, people will realize my genius. Ill be inbooks and shit like Aesop and his fables. 10/5/2010

I wish I could talk to cars. 10/6/2010

J: Is today Tuesday?Me: Todays Wednesday.J: You know what tomorrow is?Me: Thursday?J: Yeah it is! 10/6/2010


Burt Reynolds has a Tom Selek mustache, which I think means that,technically, Tom Selek has a Burt Reynolds mustache. Woah. 10/7/2010

So I can badger them later with violence. And badgers. 10/7/2010


That was creepy. It reminded me of the movie Fame. 10/7/2010

(2:54 PM) jbrown: How do you even celebrate columbus day? run up onsomeone, rob them and give them syphillis? i mean cinco de mayo couldget you accidentally shot but at least it gets you drunk, gives youcandy and a hat first. 10/7/2010

Ima eat these cream puffs like they owe me money . . . 10/8/2010

(Ed: regard the editor not talking.) I wish you would hush up with allthat quiet. 10/8/2010

(Whispered). Joooohn. Guess what. Im pretty fly for a white guy. 10/12/10

I am too precious for this world. Too precious! 10/13/2010

(Ed: the following was because the editor was ignoring J)

J: If you were my neighbor, Id call the cops on you.Me: Why?J: Really, it would be because youre anti-social, but Id tell the copsthere was a funny smell. Some of my threats are idle, but this onesfor reallss. And then the news crews would come later and Id say Heseemed so nice, you woulda never seen it coming. Who would play me inyour Lifetime movie? This is all contingent upon them actuallyfinding something. Otherwise its just me making crank calls.10/13/2010

Pandas wrestle, right? I mean, like, for fun, not for money. 10/13/2010

J: Im done for today.Me: Today jumped the shark in the last 10 minutes.J: It was a whole cluster of sharks! We jumped all the sharks, and nowwere over the moon! 10/13/2010

I wish I had a lobster. Not to eat. Just to hang out. 10/18/2010

Some days youre the hamster, some days youre the wheel. 10/19/2010

Tweed jackets you can get real cheap. English teachers die every day. 10/26/2010

Me and the west coast dont seem to get along. Them mofos is too laidback, son. I like my people a little more hostile than that. 10/29/10

I saw a hipster the other day with a teardrop tattoo, and I gotconfused and just decided to move on with my life. I was like, Yourpants are so tight. Who did you kill? 10/29/10

You look indifferent. I should make a mask. It would be a mask ofyou giving a damn. Pause. It would really just look like the BurgerKing. 10/29/10

Why dont people play beer pong at brunch? It seems reasonable. 11/3/2010

(Ed: The truest thing ever said . . .)I was talking to my friend and we decided that hes the Jack Donaghy tomy Liz Lemon, but youre the Liz Lemon to my Tracy Morgan. Maybe TracyMorgan and Jenna, both. 11/3/2010

The fact that I do not have a lamb is starting to piss me off. 11/16/2010

They just banned Four Loko! How did they get that through that fast?You know how long it took em to get through healthcare?! The wheelsof justice are slow except sometimes, why couldnt this be one of thosetimes! 11/17/2010

I guess youre never too young for white hair. Its genetics. Thinksfor a moment. Points to self. Jeannetics!

Preface: Let me start by stating that I postponed my LSATs. I need to work further on my Reading Comprehension and the hiatus that I took from writing has left me feeling completely unprepared for the actual writing section. It’s funny how the step that I took to leave me to focus on my studying diminished my confidence to actually perform on the test. Go figure.

I’d love to fill you in on everything, but there is too much to tackle as to what has happened over the last few months so I’ll hit the highlights and then try and narrow in on the last two days.

I’ve taken a break from dating. There are a lot of reasons for this break.

• I have a severe commitment-phobia.
  If I am seeing someone who is generally interested, I bolt. If I am seeing someone who doesn’t give a fuck, I linger. This is crazy-behavior.
  
  
• I’m happier single.
  I am.
  
  
• I am not really friends with any of my exes.
  Because before we started dating we weren’t really friends either.
  
  
• I have found all parts of sex pretty disappointing lately.
  Good sex doesn’t seem to have a satisfying duration and the bad sex…. Oh my fucking god, the bad sex just wants to go on and on and come back for second, third and fourth rounds. Its like a hedge maze of horrible stroke and I cant find the exit. I think this should be referred to from here on out as the “Riddle of horrible dick”.
  
  Big dick is not an excuse for a lack of technique and ridiculously tiny penis cannot be made up for with a preponderance of skills. That old phrase “It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean” is stupid. What little dick motherfucker made that up? It doesn’t even make sense. See below why the boat has nothing to do with how the ocean moves and if “the small ass boat” is used to describe your little ass dick, your dick factors not into the equation at all… Sigh.
  
  
  
  The last sex I had was preceded by what I shall refer to as “The Single Woman’s Prayer”. It went alil something like this:
  Dear God: I like me some him. I hope he can fuck. Please god let him be able to fuck....Let him be freaky but not too freaky. It doesn’t have to be huge. I would like a nice circumference and about 6 inches or more. Please lord; don't let him ask me to put nothin up his butt. That is all.

The Lord answers some prayers. Just not all. The Lord ignored the second sentence in my request. SMH. That was the most important sentence and after the debacle that ensued, I lowered my head and momentarily gave up. Sigh.

Let me fill you in on the last 2 days. They were adventurous to say the least.
After work on Thursday, I headed off to Penn Station with a coworker. We parted ways to head to our respective trains and I was met with what you can see below.



A mass of people. Apparently a tornado hit a bunch of power lines and there were wall to wall people in Penn Station. The LIRR service had been suspended and the New Jersey Transit is delayed. Hmmmm

I quickly procure 2 tiny bottles of wine.



This is my default plan for fuckedupedness. I head outside and meet up with my coworker who is trying to figure out how to get home. I hand her an open tiny bottle of wine in a paper bag and then ask “Do you know what we are?”. She replies “Crackheads?” and I proudly proclaim “NO! We are winos!” and point enthusiastically at the open bottle of wine. I emphatically declare the creator of tiny bottles of wine to be a genius and state that he should have won the Nobel Prize for awesome and that if he was not the recipient of the Nobel Prize for Awesome, that he was robbed. ROBBED, I SAY!!!

There is a homeless man outside boxing air. I decide that I must steer clear of him. He then gets mad (I assume because the air was fighting dirty?) and spits at the air. This reaffirms my previous decision to steer clear.

We then meet Jared. Jared is an Advertising guy. We decide that Jared is awesome. He does the Absolut Campaigns. I get mad at the lack of the old school bottle campaign. I’m still mad about that right now. 



Jared needs to pee. Jared walks up to the police, beer in hand, to ask if its cool to pee outside. The police inform Jared that, not only is it illegal to pee outside but it is illegal to drink beer in the streets as well. Jared then counters that it is legal to drink on the train and that we are at the train station. Logically the train station should count as an extension of the train and therefore drinking should be fine. The police disagree. I pull Jared away from the police to avoid him getting ticketed or arrested.

We head off to find a bathroom and I later return to my coworker. It has started to drizzle and she is trying to get home still. We head to the post office across the street and I have to leave soon to catch my train. I abscond, she never did make it home and I met a nice guy named Joe on the train. (I mention Joe here because I feel like he may become a blog staple. He is funny and nice and lives right around the corner.)

I would tell you all about yesterday but I feel too hung-over to function any longer, so I shall bid you adieu… Until next time.

I am emotionally and mentally tapped out. I dunno. Im about to withdraw for a while to think some things over. Thus is all.

I feel like this time that I've spent studying has given me a quiet spot in my mind to reflect on things.

• When I say "You'll be alright" to someone I'm breaking up with or breakin things off with, I don't really mean "You'll be alright". What I really mean is "Ill be alright". I'm gonna start saying "we'll be alright" because we will. Its never that serious. It truly isn't.
  
  
• I am combatting my desire to be fawned over. That shits like heroine. I like it a lot, til I OD on it. There's a such thing as too much, you know.
  
  
• I'm reading "Eat Pray Love" because I haven't read enough and I need upliftment, like people in jail need "Rape-Off". It has made me want to do all three. And This part stuck with me. "There are only 2 questions that human beings have ever fought over, all throughout history. How much do you love me? And Who's in charge?"
  
  
• I have control issues. I want to control everything. God thinks that shits hilarious
  
  I was praying the other day not to end up sitting next to this elderly woman on my flight. I'd seen her waitin for the flight and she was utterly confused. Like early onset dementia or Alzheimer's confused. I prayed sooooo hard not to end up next to her, with her endless questions and confusion.
  
  I board my flight and see the man behind me with his son. The man was discussing with the flight attendant how he would hopefully be able to trade seats so that they could be next to each other. And.... On walks the elderly woman. She was supposed to sit behind me, but with the seat change, she was next to me. Sigh... God laughs.
  
  I helped her put on her seat belt, and stow her bags. I reminded her to get the bag she checked at the gate and helped her with her snack options. I even buttoned her jacket when her fingers wouldn't quite work right.
  
  I figure if God seated her next to me, he was probably tryin to teach me something.... She was a pretty nice old lady, now that I think about it.
  
  
• Even the strongest man can't be a man if you're unwilling to step aside and let him do his thing.
  
  
• I want to give more and take less. Be more sensitive w my words. Talk less and listen more.
  
  
• I am smarter than I thought.
  
  
• I take for granted the compliments I receive. Many women would love to hear they are beautiful and I hear it and shrug it off.
  
  
• Also, it takes a lot for men to compliment a woman and I shouldn't diminish their man bravery or efforts.
  
  
• I am not as fat as I thought.
  
  
• Antidepressants literally saved my life.
  
  
• Fuck you. I don't care if pretty woman is about a prostitute. That shit was cute.
  
  
• Tho Dirty dancing is still shite. A horrible allegory for a young womans coming of age
  
  
• I woke up. Several times. Both literally and metaphorically
  
  
• I finally learned to recognize when my needs surpassed the limitations of any given situation and to leave. The leaving is an old trick, but the leaving for the right reasons is kinda new to me.

I think all this has spurred a need in me to think more and live more in my own quiet. I also suspect that at the end of this, I might decide that I don't want to go to law school after all. And that's totally cool with me.

Hey yall. Sorry. I has been too busy to write lately. Deal with it. Meantime catch me on twitter. @Nettarose1 or on FB..... http://www.facebook.com/NettaRose

Things have been alil crazy with the rooftop pandemonium and all. I have this new habit that I am working on establishing in my life. I call it, "Breaking up with people that I'm not even dating". No, really. And it’s the best shit I ever came up with.

And it begins: I met a guy on a Wednesday night after getting drunk the night before.

Let me recap: The night prior to that, I was at a table in a club on a rooftop drinking large quantities of alcohol. I finally made it home at around 2am and still had to work.

So the next morning, I get up and head onto the train at 6am. I am dead to the world. No lie. We get to Penn station and I am still dead to the world.

The train unloads at Penn and goes to get cleaned in Queens. When I wake up, the train is rolling. I bolt up and run to the front. I find the conductor and ask "Am I headed to Queens?" because I've blatantly resigned myself to my fate.

He asks "Do you want to go to Queens?"

So I ask "Do I have a choice?"

Train conductor:"Sure! Just run to the back and we'll let you out!"

YES! Not even 8 am and I am surmounting adversity. Go me.

After work I am walking home and a cab pulls up to me. The guy was cute. 25. He looked like Clinton Portis mixed with Michael Vick, minus Herpes.

So I gave him my number and he hit me up the next day asking if we could hang. Ok. Fine. So Thursday night I went out and drove around with this cab driver. He was funny and interesting and it seemed promising.

The next morning he texts me to ask if I'd like a ride to the train station. Sweet.... but its only two blocks away so I pass. He meets me there anyway to talk because his shift isnt over. Ok. Fine.

That night I had plans with
my dad. I tell him as much.

Him:"Well can you meet me for a drink beforehand?"
Me: "Sorry, I really cant"
Him: "OK"

I get to the train station.... and he's waiting for me. HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM. 3 days in and we are already having a discussion about boundaries. He tells me he understands.

Next week, he stops by my house without consulting me first. He wanted to lock me in for a date that Friday. I try to explain that I am hostile when I get home. Tired, angry and borderline violent.

His answer: (enthusiastically) I like violent women. Especially when they hit.

Done. Fuck this. Shut it down. I have found that when shit looks crazy, its best to get out early. Once you let crazy in your life, its there. Crazy is hard to get rid of.

Most of the crazy paranoia stems from 2 places.

In high school I had a stalker. We were cool before he went crazy. I guess he always liked me. Well, one day he tried to push his way into my house. I slammed the door on his arm, repeatedly. I thought that would be the end of it.....

Until he called me when he got home and said "If you see me on the street, don't look at me or speak to me."

Ok. You angry. That's reasonable.

He continued "If I page you, don't call me back...."

umm, weird but I guess I can do that.(Tells you how long ago this was. I still had a pager.)

And then the final crazy straw.
"If I call you, don't pick up the phone."

How the fuck I'm spossed to do that. I don't have no damn caller ID. Couldn't you just do us all a favor and not call me!?!

It progressed into deeper crazy. This was my senior year of high school. Every morning, he would hide in the park across the street from my house in the morning and watch me as I left for school.... (He would hide behind trees and peek round them.) Most bizarre shit ever.

He didn't actually go away until he got arrested FOR BEATING AND ROBBING OLD PEOPLE. Swear to fuckin god.

My second true run-in with crazy was "Ex 07".

One night Ex 07 went out with his cousin. Ex 07 was an alcoholic. He promised to stay away from the alcohol and that he would be home that night but kind of late.

Sufficed to say, he ain’t make it home and it was a Saturday. Hair appointment day. I head out around 9 and my phone really doesn't work in the salon.

The minute I get close to the window, my phone is blowing up.

Its Ex 07 with the following convoluted ass story.
He went out with his cousin and fell asleep in Silver Spring. He'd promised his mother a ride from Clinton, MD to the airport which he missed because he overslept (later it was revealed that he was drinking the night before). Now his Mom was pissed and he needed his house keys so that he could go housesit and make it up to her. He then went back to my place to get his keys. I wasn't there (duh). So he walked a couple of blocks away to my job.... On a Saturday. Convinced the security guard to let him onto our floor and then knock on the triple locked heavy ass door for about 20 mins.

All of this dumbness culminated in "Could I leave my hair appt. to go back to dc to let him get his keys so he could go house sit? Or could he come to silver spring, get my keys so he could go get his keys and go to Clinton."

Dear god, why would I let your dumb ass take my keys an hour from my house with you to housesit? I swear I should have a job dealing with hyper reactive morons in crisis.

So I ask "Why do you need to housesit now?"

Ex 07: Cuz my mom is pissed.

Me: But how long is she gone for?

Ex 07: A week.

Ok. Not an emergency. Meet me in silver spring, ill take you to get your keys and drop off in Clinton later.....

Sigh... I swear. Dumb and crazy. Much worse than just plain crazy.

I am now wary of people who are too eager or too attentive. That shit seems to be crazy camouflage.

There is a growing list of waries actually. Ill share next time. This has gone on too long