Locals, Floaters and MMD (Major Metropolitan Dick)

I've officially reentered "dating". Whatever the fuck dating is. And I've been very upfront on all of my profiles. Not looking for serious. Just casual fun.

But I'm out of practice so there have been some hiccups and some learning experiences. 

Couple of things:

• If someone is wearing a hat in all of their pictures, they are bald or have a receding hairline. (no shame but represent)
• No smiling in any pictures - fucked up teeth.
• 6ft is not 6ft - subtract 3 inches. I am 5'9. If you are not 6ft, I will know and I don't have an issue with shorter men but once again, represent. 

I'm swiping right on people and accidentally swiped on a 25 yr old. His age was hidden (red flag but eh). He was a grad student so i figured we would at least have interesting conversations. So we chat for a bit.

(appropriate hellos are exchanged.)

25 - Do you have snapchat

Me - No. I'd rather not. I'd honestly prefer to meet rather than send a bunch of photos back and forth.

25 -  So you want to meet without seeing a picture of my package

Me - Yeah, I just feel like for every dick there is a proper hole. Like goldilocks. One will be "just right"

25 - Oh ok so you just want to get right to it

Me - No, I need to meet you (potentially outside of your place) and make sure you aren't a murderer and if you aren't then yes, we can proceed

25 - That's a date.

Me - No. A date is very specifically when you buy me food. If you ain't buy me food, it's not a date. This is a safety check.

25 - Ok yeah. You're right. So you just want sex. No dates or nothing

(My profile says as much but whatever)

Me - Yea. If we meet and I like you and you need to do dates or quality time or whatever, i can accommodate but no. That is not a priority for me. 

...... And then he unmatched me. I'm officially being rejected by niggas I don't even really want. smh

So I hit up my homeboy 

Me - Yo are men offended when I don't want to spend time with them and just want sex? I don't want to waste my time eating with these dudes. 

Tha homie -  lmao. You gotta play the game like niggas do

Me -  So now I gotta pretend I want something serious, let these niggas feed me and then let them flip the script/relegate me to friends w benefits so they can feel like they bamboozled me?

Tha homie - Yup

Me -  And I'm bougie. These niggas can't afford what I like so I gotta downgrade my shit for this fuckery??

Tha homie - You get what you want and they get to feel like men. 

Me -  fuck

So now I gotta go on "dates". When the last thing I want is "dates". And the sad thing is, I knew all of this. All of the things that Tha Homie said were things that I knew in my younger days and forgot. I was out of practiced. Armed with this renewed knowledge, I set out to build up a team that meets my needs. 

What does a solid team require? Variety (ofcourse), scheduling ease, immaculate vibes, flexibility. 

I've broken it down into categories:

Locals - These are the guys within 20 mins or so of me. Regularly available. 

MMD (Major Metropolitian Dick) - Dick that lives in cities that I regularly visit or can visit. Preferable to have one in each US region (East coast, West coast and Midwest)

Floaters - This is travel dick. Men with the time, means and desire to potentially meet in other cities. Vibes are especially important for these scenarios. Last thing I want to do is be in a new city with a dude who does too much. 

Easiest way to fill out this roster (especially MMD and floaters) is to pull niggas off the bench. Prevetted dick that is reliable with an already established connection. Trickiest is wildly enough local. Dodging drama means I need a particular kind of guy who is either very chill or who can't easily be in my space. Scouted 2 new people and keeping the vanilla guy from the last post (to be referred to as "Tuesday" going forward). 

Rookie listing: 

Tuesday (age 43)   

Pros

• Vanilla but gets the job done anyway and tbf he's been working on being less vanilla. 
• Fairly easy to schedule. 
• Very laid back and easy

Cons 

• Vanilla. 
• Not available for a longer term situation

Island Boy (age 39) *currently unvetted

Pros

• Says that eating pussy is his favorite thing. 
• Lives on an island which limits his access to me. 
• Free Sundays and Mondays which forces a concrete schedule. 

Cons

• Wants a deep emotional connection. Seems like it's going to be a lot of work 
• Prefers to communicate via phone calls. 
• Pretty sure he is gonna have a small dick. I've never in all of my 41 years met a man who both has a big dick and states that eating pussy is their favorite thing. 

Dallas (age 32) *currently unvetted

Pros: 

• Younger (shorter refractory period, more energy). 
• Lives in Dallas but comes to Maine for a work project regularly 
• Open to longer term. 
• Willing to travel (aka floater potential). 

Cons

• Younger and as a result asks dumb questions or tries to make me jealous. I feel like I am raising him into a proper fuck buddy.
• Mostly uses Snapchat. 
• Lives in Dallas.

This is what the current sex Venn diagram looks like:

Dallas has potential, geographically. As you can see in the Venn diagram above, he fits into all of the location based categories. Plus he has an accent and I am a sucker for an accent. When I explained that he would be a floater (in essence) with the option of travel sex, this was the ensuing conversation:

Dallas - Are you trynna just have one or u gon keep me in a rotation?

Me - (holding my sarcasm) Are you asking if I plan to be sexually monogamous w a man who lives several states away and isn't sexually monogamous to me?

Dallas -Yes. That's what I'm asking

Me - No. 

Bless his heart. Took everything in me to not be a whole asshole. But if I raise him right (and whoever else he is messing with does the same) he could be excellent. It takes a village. 

The dating thing can be frustrating, ngl. I keep meeting guys with kids who say they understand my situation because they are "parents too". These men do not live with their children. They see their kids twice a week, if that. Island boy lives several states away from his kids. So when I have something kid related pop up and need to reschedule, they say dumb shit like "if it's a priority, you should make time." 

It is a priority. I do make time. For my kids. They will always come first and the guys without kids seem to already know that. My kids come first. So when these guys say they understand because they are parents too, the fact of the matter is they do not. We are not the same. I see my kids daily. They sleep in my bed most nights and kick me in the head. If you have off time, don't compare our situations. 

{Prior to the publication of this article "Island Boy" was blocked. Easy come, easy go}