The Good, the Bad & the Semi-Literate

Ms. Amber Alert herself said these words.... NOW...because i am a slightly superstitious person i have to add this...the saying goes that the way u bring in the new year is the way u will spend the new year... And keeping that in mind, I decided to take a look at the occurrences of last New Years Eve and see of their impact on 2008..... This was me last year: THE DEBAUCHING OF LAST NEW YEARS EVE.... I recall most clearly my coworker shoving 5 bottles of alcohol into my arms, staggering outside, putting the bottles in my trunk and sitting down on the curb to smoke a cigarette before I headed home. When I finally did get home, I got a call from an "Old Friend", who managed to deliver himself, not unlike a pizza.... in 20 Mins or less. All I had to do was leave the door unlocked. Happy Birthday to Me. I even let him sleep over, because it was quite late (tho I promptly kicked him out in the AM.) Yeah. I can say that Alcohol saturated all of 2008 and smoking leaked into most of i...

Go to sleep. Sweet Jesus. It's late. Ps. Rum + Vodka = a headache and an argument with an off duty state trooper about the legality of him trying to give me a field sobriety test while off duty and intoxicated his damn self. If you are not in an official capacity, I am not going to play along... Yes, I am squinting and No, Fuck you, I will not follow your finger, until you put on a uniform and badge and pull my ass over while I am actually driving (not before I leave the fucking party, dude). I am not Drunk, dammit but I have shitty hand/eye coordination and I can't past those tests sober. It ain't fair, I tell you.... It ain't fair...

This is where I'm at right now: Honestly, I'm mad. It is B-day. Not my motherfuckin birthday, no no no. It's biopsy day. At this point, I'm mad. Boobs used to be fun. Now boobs are deadly. Like they killin motherfuckers. Where I'm at right now, is that, I'm tired. I'm tired of boobs killin people, I'm tired of being sad, I'm real tired of motherfuckers who said they'd be there and then motherfuckin weren't.... But all in all, I'm pissed. And I'm off some fuck you shit. Like if it aint about my peoples gettin better or being okay..... Fuck you. That's where tha fuck I'm at. In the words of Fight Club (the movie, not the book). I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn't screw to save its species. I wanted to open the dump valves on oil tankers and smother all the French beaches I'd never see. I wanted to breathe smoke....... I felt like destroying something beautiful. I feel...

Trust that these are randoms: This landed in my inbox on Facebook yesterday from one of my oldest and most reliable booty calls: I want to lay you back, watch you smile as my tongue first hits your calve, and watch that smile turn into moans as it inches up higher and higher...I want to grab you by the thighs and spread your legs ...so my tongue can lick your pussy from the very bottom...all the way up and over your clit (throbbing and hard)...and pull away...I want to thrust my tongue deep inside and fuck you with my mouth...I want to squeeze your ass and pull you up off the bed to get a deeper lick...I want to watch your breast rise and fall with each heavy breath....I want to feel your nipples get hard between my fingertips...ready for my hot wet mouth to surround them...I want to make you cum. So I decided to venture out into the world and visit with my old dear friends... well worth the trip. Don't that shit read like a letter to Penthouse. He could most definitely be the next...

This is Part II of what happened at LOVE Howard Homecoming Friday. It is suggested that you peep Part I prior to reading this so you know what the fuck I'm talking about. Giles... Here it is. As promised. We all know that I’m not about sleepovers. So at about 6am, I gather all my shit with the intention of going home... This is the first time since the Pittsburgh debacle that I have done some shit as dumb as what I did Friday Night.... Namely, I left my house with 2 dollars, my ID, a credit card (not a check card, no atm, no cash back option, nothin) and a tiny purse that was way too small for anything. I didn't even have my Blackberry, which made taking notes on the craziness that occurred the night before very difficult. Which meant that I was stuck. My plan was to get 20 dollars off of homeboy and take a cab home. This plan was deaded when he saw that I was bout to dip and said "Fuck you doing? Where you think you going? Lay yo ass down." Shit. Okay. Fuck it. I ca...

I gotta start off with these lyrics.... They are SOOOO applicable. Trust. John Legend - Green Light So I went hard like Medusa staring at me I told her let's go, let's blow this lame nigga factory She said, What type of girl do you think I are The kind that you meet in a bar You think you can get whatever you want cause you some kinda star No I'm a comet I just want you woman Hey, If I were you then It would be me that I go home with 3, the one and only One thing you ain't considered I heard you when you told your girl "ooo he can get it" Admit it You did it Let's hop a cab and split it I'm kiddin We both going to where you livin Fuckin HU Homecoming Weekend. Wooooow. First off, we were running around like crazy. My dopamine was bananas. Seriously. I was so excited. Dan got the tickets midday and I started to tingle off break cuz I knew this had the potential to be the best night at LOVE, EVER!!!! And it was. Dan scoops me, and I am running late as alw...

It was a weekend of random. Apparently, if you attended Hampton, even if you were only there for one day and got kicked of for fighting and had to be “Out by 5”…. You will reunite with Hamptonians from across the world, sporadically. This weekend proved that all Hampton people are fitted with Hampton Homing devices that alert us to and draw us toward one another. Friday Erian appeared in town. A big bottle of Hennessey appeared in my fridge and our asses appeared at Union station to scoop Miss Kali herself. First off, Friday and Love night club don’t so much mix. We were all tired and slightly off kilter. But as always, Love is like a family reunion. Harry Hotter was spinning on the first floor and as always, that shit was hitting. Him and his fro could get it. That motherfucker is a good ass DJ. Roomie said that he's certain Harry gets a shitload of pussy cuz of that fro. I told roomie that he deserves every inch of pussy he falls into. Analyze was there but strangely was in the b...

Ecstasy and Liquor make people act completely fucking inappropriately. My coworker is gone. I feel like I lost a buddy. I guess I did. It’s like the job broke up with her. One day everything is fine and the next, the job doesn't want to see her anymore and just wants to be friends..... It was sad. So I took her to Cafe Asia and then we bought chocolate.... Yay Sushi. Yay Chocolate. Lots of things have me feeling some kinda way. Talking to one of my exes made me remember all the reasons I left him. Cuz he is hypersensitive and got irate when I asked him to stop calling me from random people’s house and cell phones... It’s unnerving and I don’t fucks wit it. I end up calling back your mama’s house past 10pm and I wasn’t raised like that. It’s fucking rude. Apparently he didn’t like this and let me know that I have outrageous standards and he can’t help it if he does not have the means to stay in contact with me and that this is why I’m single now... I let him know that I would rather...

I got dumped. Yeah. It sucked. And as an ode to getting dumped, I shall recount my last few days. Wednesday I got dumped. I got drunk. I talked to “Gregor” the roach that lives under my stove. I talked to Trent in Atlanta on the phone. I wandered outside and talked to Tanya whose boyfriend was in jail for 5 years. I told her she was lucky cuz he's coming back and mines isn't. Roomie came home and I cried. Thursday I woke up. I went to the bus stop and this guy hopped up on PCP had his shirt around his neck like it was a cape and had a pillow held tight to his chest. He ran across traffic, dodging cars on North Capitol and flattened himself against the divider in the middle, waiting for the cars to pass. Then he went “WHEEE” and skipped across the street and ran down the block. I went to work. I cried at work. I went home. I cried at home. I took sleeping pills and slept. Friday I skipped work and cried more. He dropped off my stuff so that it would be Over Over and I cried s...

There was a shooting outside my spot last nite. First, they let off 8 shots and then 2 shots. Someone got killed right before we moved in. Hype and I figured that would give us down time. Like a murder grace period. But apparently that is not the case. My neighbor let me know that the left side of the street has been warring with the right side of the street. That person that was killed before we moved in, apparently that person was the wrong person and now everyone’s pissed. Next time Imma need them to kill the right person. That way we can all save time and not be bothered with shootin at people at 10 pm. Right after the shooting, I went and locked the door. Now, in retrospect, this was a pointless endeavor…. Door locks do not stop bullets. Anyway…. We all know that I don't believe in confession..... cuz it’s like snitchin on yourself. But there is one circumstance in which I wholeheartedly believe tellin on yourself. The Preemptive Confession. When you know someone is about to...

Honestly my job has been sendin me on quite a few of them fuckin unicorn meat adventures. Seriously. They just had me lookin forsome shit that didn't exist for 4 fuckin hours. So now Imma bitch about my job for a lil bit. (Cuz Megan says I write about sex too much.) Ummm, my hours are insane. Yesterday I worked from 8:30 til 10 pm. I work next to Heidi. Heidi is new and still within her 3 month probationary period. 90 percent of the shit that comes out of Heidi’s mouth is shit that I would not say if I was still on my probationary period. For example, while on your probationary period it is best to avoid the following topics: Discussions of your marital troubles Discussions about your "food issues". Yesterday after briefly discussing her desire to lose about 200 lbs, we end up discussing how many calories and fat grams are in her Cobb chicken salad, wit tha fried chicken, ranch dressing, bacon and avocado. How you hate your commute and would rather be home. How you are ...