Patron made me sleep in my bathroom....
Honestly my job has been sendin me on quite a few of them fuckin unicorn meat adventures. Seriously. They just had me lookin forsome shit that didn't exist for 4 fuckin hours. So now Imma bitch about my job for a lil bit. (Cuz Megan says I write about sex too much.)
Ummm, my hours are insane. Yesterday I worked from 8:30 til 10 pm. I work next to Heidi. Heidi is new and still within her 3 month probationary period. 90 percent of the shit that comes out of Heidi’s mouth is shit that I would not say if I was still on my probationary period.
For example, while on your probationary period it is best to avoid the following topics:
We are ill suited officemates.
Heidi reads shit like “Anne of Green Gables” and Jane Austen.
I read books about homosexual necrophiliac cannibalistic serial killers (Poppy Z. Brite..... Check out her early horror work. If you can get thru the first chapter of Exquisite Corpse without gettin ill, call me)
Heidi lives in a happy cheerful world where bad people get punished and there's candy and flowers and shit.
I live in a world that watches shit like this Oreo commercial and thinks that the father has possibly been touchin his son inappropriately.....
Whatever.
Heidi comes in at 8:00 and leaves promptly at 5. My job is not that kind of job, so this amazes me. Not sure how long Heidi will be around. People keep on askin me if I like Heidi. This is leading me to believe that Heidi might not be employed much longer.
Fuck it....
I tried to write a blog that was devoid of sex references, but that shit was taking too long cuz it was extra fucking boring so....
Randoms!
Shit that was heard and said (cuz I cannot take responsibility for all of this ignorance.)
I need people to stop fuckin up perfectly innocent words. If I been runnin round all day and I get sweaty, I might just say I'm feelin a lil moist..... That's not nasty. It’s an accurate description of what happens when a person is assaulted by moisture.
Netta Math
Netta + Drunk straight chicks + Ibiza = Questioning of sexuality and possibly lesbian sex
Netta + Rose + Vodka + Tequila = Me molesting people and taking photos like this.
I know this looks bad, but really it’s very innocent. He had great abs. We could have been discussing physical fitness, for all you know. Damn. Get your mind out the gutter.
Netta + lots of Cristal = Me trying to sleep on the bathroom floor at the Four Seasons.
Netta + Patron + Scotch + Events at Olives = Alcohol poisoning, hitching a ride home 1.5 blocks and sleeping on my bathroom floor....
Imma need to have an ass so phat that it makes straight bitches pause.
Some of yall wanna know who I'm fuckin. Imma let yall in on a lil secret: I'm not fuckin anyone cuz I DONT FUCK!!!! I make LUV!!!! Ha ha BITCHES!!!!!!
I don't want to date anyone who would date me if I was 300 lbs. I need motivation to stay fresh, fly and healthy. Also, I do not have enough personality to get by on shit other than my looks.
If I wasn't me, I wouldn't be my own friend. Cuz I'm bitchy. And sometimes I mean and real selfish..... Unless I had known myself for a minute and then I'd realize that I could be really loyal and that I'm funny sometimes and we could probably be cool.
I don't understand mayo. That shit is fat, on fat, whipped with fat. Anything that can't free flow out of a container ain’t some shit I wanna consume.
Nate said : Readin your blog makes me so happy to be me. I feel the same way when I look at Britney Spear's life. I wonder what that means......
I almost got a ticket for texting while driving the other day.
I ask you this:
The meanest realest shit I ever heard at Hampton: “Hood rats are community property.....”
That's all I got for now, but really this was like 3 blogs that I smooshed together so fuck it... :D
Ummm, my hours are insane. Yesterday I worked from 8:30 til 10 pm. I work next to Heidi. Heidi is new and still within her 3 month probationary period. 90 percent of the shit that comes out of Heidi’s mouth is shit that I would not say if I was still on my probationary period.
For example, while on your probationary period it is best to avoid the following topics:
- Discussions of your marital troubles
- Discussions about your "food issues".
Yesterday after briefly discussing her desire to lose about 200 lbs, we end up discussing how many calories and fat grams are in her Cobb chicken salad, wit tha fried chicken, ranch dressing, bacon and avocado. - How you hate your commute and would rather be home.
- How you are really only working long enough to get financially stable so that you can get pregnant, quit this job and be a stay at home mom.
WTF Heidi? People keep telling me to train her, but why the fuck bother? She is already planning on leaving anyway and she just got here.
We are ill suited officemates.
Heidi reads shit like “Anne of Green Gables” and Jane Austen.
I read books about homosexual necrophiliac cannibalistic serial killers (Poppy Z. Brite..... Check out her early horror work. If you can get thru the first chapter of Exquisite Corpse without gettin ill, call me)
Heidi lives in a happy cheerful world where bad people get punished and there's candy and flowers and shit.
I live in a world that watches shit like this Oreo commercial and thinks that the father has possibly been touchin his son inappropriately.....
Whatever.
Heidi comes in at 8:00 and leaves promptly at 5. My job is not that kind of job, so this amazes me. Not sure how long Heidi will be around. People keep on askin me if I like Heidi. This is leading me to believe that Heidi might not be employed much longer.
Fuck it....
I tried to write a blog that was devoid of sex references, but that shit was taking too long cuz it was extra fucking boring so....
Randoms!
- I am officially boycotting dick that overpromises and underdelivers. That shit is like when you go to your favorite restaurant for that burger that you like and you order that shit...... You done drove a minute to get there, you all excited and shit..... But the regular chef is off that day and the backup chef is a bitch. You get your burger but it is not what you expected. Now you done drove all that way, you still hungry and you leave unsatisfied. If you hit it right, you should literally be able to "bust three times throw her the peace sign she sleep then my dick sleek and I ain't gotta call her for weeks".
- An old booty call once told me that I was being selfish in relation to our scheduling because he was not free when I wanted him to be. I say "Damn right. Booty calls are supposed to be selfish!" I want dick, you give dick. If you happen to derive pleasure and/or have an orgasm, side benefit for you. Revel in that shit. Enjoy yourself. It’s a celebration bitches! But really, it’s always about me, never about you.
- My favorite Lil Kim lyric is “Fuck a blowjob, this a motherfuckin hobby!" I have not a clue what that shit really means but I fucks wit it regardless.
- Going home wit one bitch and then textin me is extra fucking tacky. Do what you, but please do not have buyers remorse before you even insert yo dick..... That’s bama shit. You chose, so follow through and get off my phone.
Shit that was heard and said (cuz I cannot take responsibility for all of this ignorance.)
- Ibiza makes people gay.
- Keep fuckin round wit us and you might just get Gang raped.
- I swear, I do not have a boyfriend
- I was doin mad damage control.....
- FUCK HIM
- “You should know by now that ALL niggas is dogs. Better to have a rich Pit than a broke German Shepherd”
- The Wizards might not have won, but making it to the playoffs has to supply them with some kinda job security, right?
- Him: Don't you know who I am?
Us: Is he Robin Thicke's cousin? - Yeah, take that shit off......
- Girl, I just deleted that niggas number.
- Boys are squirrels.
- Looking like a surprised baby squirrel
- I can't be nice to him cuz he don't know how tha fuck to act. I'm nice, he acts up. If Imma bitch, he act like he got sense. We about one shanking away from marriage.
- If I'd known when I met you that you didn't eat pussy, I would have never gave you my number.
- She done fucked around and got accidentally drunk.....
- Yeah, I was buggin. Imma save that cuss out for later.....
- Flo rida look like he be ass rapin people in prison for fun. Just for fun.....
- Lookin Like tha lost Puerto Rican member of NWA......
- Him: Why tha fuck is everyone standing out here.
Me: They playing the let out.... The bitches are drunk and the dudes are waiting around in a last ditch effort to scam on some drunk pussy.....
Him: Fuck that. I like my pussy sober, so it can appreciate the shit I been blessed with... I'm known in these streets.
Me: OH REALLY?
Him: Not For That. You know what I mean.
Me: Uh Huh…. - Him: My name is Will. Short for William. But you can call me Big Willy.
Me: No. I can't. I really can't.
Netta + Drunk straight chicks + Ibiza = Questioning of sexuality and possibly lesbian sex
Netta + Rose + Vodka + Tequila = Me molesting people and taking photos like this.
I know this looks bad, but really it’s very innocent. He had great abs. We could have been discussing physical fitness, for all you know. Damn. Get your mind out the gutter.
Netta + lots of Cristal = Me trying to sleep on the bathroom floor at the Four Seasons.
Netta + Patron + Scotch + Events at Olives = Alcohol poisoning, hitching a ride home 1.5 blocks and sleeping on my bathroom floor....
I ask you this:
- Since when is that shit illegal?
You already took my right to talk and drive. Wtf? - And if that shit’s illegal now, then how I'm supposed to talk to Megan while I drive?
- Is a hundred dollar ticket really a deterrent? Boo...
While you trying to give me a lecture bout texting drivin, notice how I reached over and turned off the TV that was running the movie that I was watchin while drivin..... Prioritize. Trust that me watching "Lady sings the blues" is probably way more dangerous than the text I'm typing..... Billie Dee Williams is too sexy for words.
That's all I got for now, but really this was like 3 blogs that I smooshed together so fuck it... :D
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