Fuck IKEA

I’ve been a little busy lately. First off, I only slept in my bed 1 night this week and have been a crazy eyed nomad mostly….

Let me just say this. When common interest meets incredible sex, the result is….. Relationship. So I write less. I told yall that if I get some on the regular, writing would become less frequent. I didn’t lie, did I?

But I got fan mail (if you can call it that). I got a facebook message that read as follows:

Hey wassup,
How are you? How was your holiday? It's been a minute since you posted a blog. I'm over here fiendin' like shit. lol Your blogs are like crack. Until you wrote them, I could have gave a fuck about a blog. I know got something to tell with the holiday just passing. I know you got a story about how you was in the strip club and 2 dirty strippers were about to stab each other then you almost participated in a orgy then you saw 2 crackheads battling on a cardboad box like they was straight out of the movie breakin'. hit me back

So, though I have a few “potential” (lol, if you only knew) orgy stories; all of those are from my younger, wilder days and shall never be reprinted in such a public forum. Your best bet is to catch me and force tequila down my throat……

I’m going to try and give yall enough to tide you over just in case I get lost/ engrossed in that good good shit again….

Randoms

• I offered Roomie a coupon for a free chicken biscuit and that motherfucker said : Bitch I aint southern!
  
  
• One time I was having relations and the guy I was with (Lefty for all those who know me) drooled on me when he arrived. I mean, I knew I was good, but damn…..
  
  
• Roomie is giving away a 27 inch tv in exchange for booze. You must transport. 5th or a pint is acceptable. Actual kind of liquor is negotiable…
  
  
• I found 2 bugs in my California Pizza Kitchen Salad. I am now traumatized. Fuck organic lettuce. From now on all of my food needs to be fuckin coated in pesticides… motherfucking drowned in pesticides.
  
  
• I realized why the asshole approach works. When people ask me my name and I tell them “Thirsty” they think I’m really funny… when infact I’m really a thirsty asshole. And Im not really funny. I just notice hypocrisy and irony and comment on it in a snarky manner. That’s not funny. Its bitchy.
  
  
• If you are talking to a guy and you have to puase for the cause and ask him if he is a player…. Know that he is and that asking was a waste of time.
  
  
• Refrain from drunk dialing. And Drunk texting and Drunk emailing. And Drunk Iming. There are entirely too many ways to make a drunken ass out of yourself nowadays. Damn technology.
  
  
• I went to a childrens dance recital and I learned 2 things.
  
  
  1. I need to learn how to do splits. This is bullshit and the fact that there are prepubesent chicks who can do splits and aren’t even using these skills for trifling purposes is just a waste.
     
  2. It is never appropriate to have 6 year olds dance to Prince’s “Kiss”. Ever.
     
  
  
  
• Ikea is an overpriced K-mart. I buy furniture. I still have to assemble it, but you charge me three times as much because it Swedish and the directions are all Swedish pictorial bullshit.
  
  
• Cuba Gooding can suck ass and die…. Snowdogs? You should be ashamed. But Boat Trip tho? Ummmm hell no.
  
  
• Best sign for a strip club. “Tiffany’s- No breakfast, No Jewelry, Just fun.”
  
  
• I didn’t realize until I had to put all my liquids in a bag and get on a plane, that I fucking carry 6 glosses in my purse. Slightly excessive but I enjoy moisture.

I am working on the Hampton Sagas… About my year of debasement and debauchery in VA. Stay tuned….