Showing posts from April, 2008

Whack Dick, Black Mail & Robin Thicke’s Cousin (RANDOMS)

Whack Dick, Black Mail & Robin Thicke’s Cousin

At Hampton, there was this guy that was sooooo fine, we just called him “Sex”. Literally. I still don’t know his name. He looked like a mix of Morris Chesnutt and Tank.

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a Lawyer. When I was in middle school, I wanted to write trashy romance novels. When I graduated from college, I just wanted a job. Right now, at this very second…. I aspire to be so rich that I can buy and sell people who swear up and down that they can’t be bought. Because everyone has a price and its way more fun buying people who are so self righteous that they feel that they can’t be bought. It’s amusing to watch people break. (That was possibly evil… oh well).

Apparently I am a drunk, molesting pervert. Photographs should not be allowed to be taken in the club. EVER. If you email me and ask real nice, I just might post this scandalous ass photo of me acting like ain’t nobody watching what the fuck I’m doing in the club.



I should be moving but I’m watching the Outer Limits, writing about penis.

When I am drunk, I tend to run around like one of those ADHD kids who seriously needs Ritalin. I am easily distracted by everything and can be lured off by bright lights and/or candy.

I do not like sweating. EVER. If I am breaking a sweat, I feel fat and poor.

Being from the south, AC is pretty fucking necessary. If you are somewhere that doesn’t have AC blasting and you are breaking a sweat…. You are at a broke person’s house or you’re outside.

I know what you’re thinking…. Sometimes sweating isn’t bad. Sometimes breaking a sweat is a good thing (*wink, wink). No. Fuck that. I do not like to sweat. Ever!!!

Deer are by far the scariest animals. Them motherfuckers will jump through your windshield and kick you to death. IN YOUR DOME, SON!!! THEY HOOVE YOU TO DEATH IN YOUR DOME!!!!

Sometimes I even surprise myself with some of the ignorant shit that comes out of my mouth. Megan and I were drunk, sitting at a bus sto…

Shoot the whack lyricist and don't cum in my eye.

Preface: If you know a publisher or an agent, especially one with connections at Citadel Press...Please send them my way...

So long as people will listen to anything, the proliferation of crappy ass music will continue unabated. (Kinda like : For evil to triumph it is enough only that good men do nothing).

I spent my college years in Atlanta and I must say, a lot of crappy ass music came my way....

For instance:

Gucci man “So Icy” - He literally says "My. Chain. Hangs. Down. To. My. DICK!!!!" with pauses in between each word for emphasis.

Chamillionaire - please take a moment to listen to Ridin dirty. (I was with this song when it came out, as I myself was riding dirty.)

Ummm, really the songs about police profiling. At the end, he pulls up at his girls crib....and states that he was not in fact ridin dirty....
BOOOOO!!! You suck chamillionaire!

White tee- yup in my white tee, yup in my white tee!!!!! They don't rock a jersey, cuz they broke and dirty.

Laffy Taffy- Didn't f…

Netta coulda been a PCP addict (and been invincible, like Superman)

Netta coulda been a PCP addict (and been invincible, like Superman)

Umm, just trying to give yall some more insight into me….. So here is the shit that I don’t do.

Netta don’t work for free.

Working for free is a dumb bitch move… Like dancing on them poles drunk in the club for no bread. Fuck you; Pay me… words to live by. If I think that you might monetarily profit (now or in the future) from something that is the product of my efforts and I am not getting a dime…. Well we might have serious problems.

I don’t work for free ever… If I did, I wouldn’t respect myself in the morning….

Seriously. I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire without: a) getting broke off first and b) making sure there were no video cameras around....

Netta doesn’t eat Sushi off of Naked bitches

Sushi (in and of itself) is questionable and probably parasite laden. Sushi is meant to be cold. Sushi on a warm body, separated from said nude warm body only by a thin ass banana leaf is not what tha fuck is up…. I …

Email Me.

Hey. If you read and you like.... Or even if you fuckin hate it.... Email me. I'd love to hear what you think..... Also, feel free to comment.

If you continue to read it, I'll continue to write it....
Debauchery all day… That’s how I do. Like a female Tucker Max
Email me.

Keep playin wit me! You might mess round and get fucked....

This last week was incredibly rough. The fact that I managed to get through it is a gift from god.

FUCK Patron! Anyways.... On with the "Randoms". ENJOY:

You know how they have those 2 packs of videos….There’s always one you want and one you fucking don’t. For instance:
Bill and Ted- ok & Dude where's my car?... Umm No.
Big Trouble in Little China Town….Cool (I fucks wit Lo-pan) & Flight of the Phoenix (BOOOO!!!).
Thelma and Louise...alright. & The Banger Sisters (Why dear god? Why? Goldie Hawn is not hot anymore. Its just sad).

My old sheets were 400 thread count. Time for an upgrade. I gots a good job and a bed. Imma need like a thousand thread count or some ballerific type shit like that.

2 grown ass men should never dance face to face. Friday night at the club, Kevin Little’s “Turn me on” came on. 2 Kappas decided that it was acceptable to dance face to face. It, in fact, was not. That shit, that shit right there….. looked mad sweet (Chris and Giles concurred.)…

Sorry ass 7-11 type dudes.

Sorry ass 7-11 type dudes.

I gotta pay homage to Craigslist on this one… Honestly I do. When in doubt, check out this post.

If i had to choose between a Wawa and a 7-11.... Well, Wawa would win out 99.9% of the time.

Seriously. Look at it like this: Wawa is clean,, with fairly sober attendants. They make you fresh sandwiches and hold you down in the A.M. 7-11 … Not so much so…

711 is dirty. It really is like that “transvestite hooker that does that thing you like”….

Sometimes men fit into this equation.
Peep this:

Wawa men are the keepers… you introduce them to moms, take them to church (ie. Out in public) and let people know that you know them… Other men are like 7-11s.

7-11 men are the men you won’t take out in public…. Like dirty lil secrets……

Even tho you know Wawa has them sandwiches and good hygiene… sometimes… at 2am, you still want them shitty ass 7-11 nachos….

True, they give you a stomach ache… but you crave em none the less. Then you eat em and regret it…like “Damn. Wish I hadn’t…

Penis Geography... Is your dick worth the drive?

Gas prices are crazy. I mean really crazy. When gas was cheaper, traveling around to visit a "friend" was no big deal. You get in the car and just ride out.

Now, it is necessary to be alittle more cost concious and weed out those who are geographically undesirable.

Geographically undesirable is defined by urban as
“Someone who you would like to date, but the fact that they live so darn far away is a problem.”

I think its important to determine how far is too far. You have to know what your breaking point is.

A simple geographical desirability equation (as defined by me) is:
(Distance/Mpg your car receives) x Price of gas per gallon + time costs.

Time costs are determined by finding out your hourly worth (according to your pay divided by length of pay period) and multiplying that by how long it takes you to get there. You also want to take into account the return trip.

Let’s take Thickness for instance:

She is downright geographically undesirable. She lives 213 mi…

I lost my car (aka I party like a Rock Star, Fuck like a Porn Star)

I lost my car (aka I party like a Rock Star, Fuck like a Porn Star)

Ok. I didn’t lose my car. I think its at the Four Seasons.

Fuck it. Monday (aka Sunday night) randoms.

I am still drunk.

Car – at Four Seasons…

Cell – in car…..

Moet Rose is piss. Fuck yall, I drink Cristal.

This morning was by far possibly the most difficult morning of 2008.


Who tha fuck let him up in the club?

I intensely love how I can do me… All day…. My life is crazy…

You valet… I park behind the club, skip the line and walk right in the back door.

Coke really is the New Weed….

I only have snippet recollections of last night, which is why I lost my car.

But I did meet this guy……

And got into a heated discussion about why charter schools are bullshit.

The bathroom in the suite at the Four Seasons is almost bigger than my old apartment.

Seriously, my life is way better than yours. You think yours is okay… and I’m sure it is… But multiply that times 10 and that’s me….

Still didn’t …

Bomb ass pussy that will give you diabetes.....

I am busy. This week sucked alot. These are randoms that I wrote mostly last night, while drunk and tired. Enjoy or don't. I is hung over and I care not how you feel...

I feel like "How Netta got her groove back". Grinnin from ear to ear.

A strong man doesn't need constant adoration and is capable of constructive criticism from their mate.

I’m not about second chances. You give a Fuck boy a second chance and they run with that shit. Seriously. When you constantly date the worst of the worst, Nick calls that shit “Fuck Boy syndrome”

I am lovin the Real World awards. Its like flashing back into time and watching all the shit I ain’t seen in a minute. Coral just got roommate you love to hate award and thanked Jesus. Awesome!

The other day, I wanted to tattoo “Bomb ass pussy” on my left butt cheek, cuz I got problems.

Everyone needs a catch phrase. Mine is “Pussy so sweet, you catch diabetes fucking wit me.”

You gotta know where your heart is. I can't be trickin off with …

Masturbation at its finest...

This blog is essentially a masturbatory effort (Masturbation at its finest…)

Its 3am. I got home about 30 minutes ago.

No, I was not out clubbing.

NO, I did not get laid. I just came home from work. I am tired, but not tired enough to sleep. So you gets a lazy ass blog.

Seythe said that I was an asshole freshman year of college. There is probably some truth to this, but looking back at my old blogs, I see the evolution of me. And yes, I was in fact an asshole.

Please see the following examples:
Stop the Bitchery

Stop the Bitchery came out of a very valid problem I had with alcoholics who choose to cry in my kitchen. I cannot tolerate that shit. I have feelings and all, but damn. I am not a bitch (in the punk sense of the word)…. Man-feelings make me nervous and give me an icky feeling inside.

The Exes that wouldn’t die

This one is mean, true. But it is relevant. I get these random fucking calls. Once I stop seeing someone, I just prefer to pretend that they are dead. I can’t do that if they …