I AM NOT A PROSTITUTE! (Randoms!)

I should be moving but I’m watching the Outer Limits, writing about penis.

When I am drunk, I tend to run around like one of those ADHD kids who seriously needs Ritalin. I am easily distracted by everything and can be lured off by bright lights and/or candy.

I do not like sweating. EVER. If I am breaking a sweat, I feel fat and poor.

Being from the south, AC is pretty fucking necessary. If you are somewhere that doesn’t have AC blasting and you are breaking a sweat…. You are at a broke person’s house or you’re outside.

I know what you’re thinking…. Sometimes sweating isn’t bad. Sometimes breaking a sweat is a good thing (*wink, wink). No. Fuck that. I do not like to sweat. Ever!!!

Deer are by far the scariest animals. Them motherfuckers will jump through your windshield and kick you to death. IN YOUR DOME, SON!!! THEY HOOVE YOU TO DEATH IN YOUR DOME!!!!

Sometimes I even surprise myself with some of the ignorant shit that comes out of my mouth. Megan and I were drunk, sitting at a bus stop, (don’t ask), and a car pulled up. The guy in the car was like “How are yall doing?”. First words out of my mouth were “WE ARE NOT PROSTITUTES!”. He assured us that he didn’t think that we were and that that was not his intention, but at that point, I just could not stop laughing…..

This might sound crazy, but in Atlanta, whenever a car slowed down, them motherfuckers were cruisin. Perhaps this was merely a product of the Transvestite prostitute neighborhood that I lived in but whatever. I still feel justified in yelling out “We are not prostitutes”. Better to just put it out there and avoid all confusion.

I asked the FedEx Lady why we cant use Duct Tape to ship shit and she said “Duct tape is not for shipping. Duct tape is for fun.”

She is old enough to be my grandmother and I had to run away…..

Women who are crazy have the best Vagina. They have to. If not, they would never get any. Normal vagina from normal/noncrazy women SUCKS!!! But crazy Vagina is off the chain!

For some reason, it seems that the minute you announce a relationship on Facebook, that shit starts to go sour. Facebook is the relationship kiss of death.

People keep on telling me I’m spoiled. Fuck that shit. Everyone, if they could, would have their way all the time. I want what I want, when I want it. If you were honest with yourselves, you’d admit that you want the same shit.

What tha fuck is up with these virtual test drives!!!!

Carmax, Vehix or whatever…. You trippin…. The whole point of a test drive is to see how that shit actually drives… I cannot figure that out on my fuckin computer.

Things I learned from the “Trois” movie series:

Trois 1: Don’t have threesomes. Cuz if you do, you get stalked, attacked, fuck up yo marriage and end up paralyzed and in a wheel chair.

Trois 2: Kill yo husband before his cheap, cheatin trick ass kills you.

Trois 3: Don’t love them hoes. Cuz them hoes is evil. And while you lovin that hoe, she is lovin everyone else and its really a waste of your time cuz she’s a lesbian.

Sex at 16 sucked. It was lazy and clumsy and ill informed if sex can be considered ill informed.

Sex at 20 was better. It had this kind of “Dare you to fuck me thru the bed and break my spine while drunk on cheap beer” feel.

Sex at 25 is better still. I think they finally figured out where the clitoris is and I am most grateful for it.

Sex at 30 is definitely looking promising....

Things I want to say to specific people but don't cuz its too mean: When I see you trying to form a thought, its sad. Like “baby seals getting clubbed to death” sad. Perhaps you should stop trying.

For everyone who thinks they have a big dick - Your dick is not as big as you imagine. Yall stay peddling that old ass, sorry ass stat about the average penis being 5 ¾ inches. I am so sure that that stat is outdated. Either that or the “average” is a purposefully low number to help the people with 6 inch dicks feel better about having a 6 inch dick. I have a larger pool of penises to compare your dick to than you do and trust me, unless you're over 8 inches…. You’re not that big.

Also, remember that circumference counts.

Just for my own knowledge, I look up penis stats & I was right. Those stats are outdated.

Take a look :

• The man whose non-erect penis is smallish will usually achieve about a 100 per cent increase in length during sexual excitement.
  
• The man whose non-erect penis is on the largish size will probably manage about a 75 per cent increase.
  
• This means the great majority of penises measure between 15cm and 18cm (6-7 inches) when erect, with the average figure being about 16.5cm (6.5 inches).

I went to an outlet mall and I realized… They hide the shittiest stuff in outlet malls. Even the stores I normally like sucked ass. Boutique shopping has spoiled me

Totts is the shittiest champagne ever. EVER! Like hot shitty piss….

My defaults when upset are : smoking, shopping and sleeping… all great things that start with the letter S.

Some girls are good girls.... Some girls aren't.... I, myself… Am not a good girl. But I am a lot of fun.

Sometimes you just gotta let that shit go. Some people don't wanna be held on to. Others, you just can’t, even if they want you to, no matter how hard you try.

I hate satellite radio. That shit is the same 20 or 30 songs as opposed to regular radio, which is the same 10 songs…

I don't know what tha fuck Cinco de Mayo is. No fuckin clue. I use it as a good excuse to drink tequila and Coronas and scream out Cinco de Mayo!!!! And Aye Dios Mios. And to quote Lex “Fuck you, Suck my dick, ADIOs!”

That’s all for now. Im busy moving. YAY new home YAYYYYY!!!!!

Luv ya, Kisses!