Showing posts from June, 2008

I believe in only 2 things: destiny and the beauty of the impulsive act...

I'm not very predictable. Antoine says that I am “the definition of random.” I’m not sure if he meant that as a compliment or as an insult, but I always took it as a compliment.

When I talk to people who have their whole fucking lives planned out, I think “Dear god, I’d rather kill myself than live like that" cuz for all their planning, they have a quiet desperation about them and sit around pumping me for stories of my randomness….

I must confess, I have no savings account. I haven’t had one in years, since I was about 12. Who the fuck needs one when I have a checking account?

I don’t have dental insurance. When asked at work if I wanted to get dental for $5 a month, I said (and I quote) “What the fuck is gonna happen to my teeth in the next year?”. Next thing I knew, severe malnutrition lead me to need very expensive dental work… Go figure.

I have absolutely no money in my 401K. Ummm I just haven’t had time to fill out the paperwork.

I used to plan everything. Every meal, eve…

Sex Etiquette, Why I went to College and Dick Ass Whoopins

Why I went to college
I went to college for numerous random ass reasons.
I didn’t have shit else to do.
People told me I wasn’t going to go to college and I love proving assholes wrong.
College was really easy….

While at college I learned random shit.
How to argue down teachers.
How to bullshit my way through life.
Fool-proof excuses for lateness (i.e. Extremely detailed descriptions of diarrhea)

Sex etiquette :
Having a roommate brings new complications to doing “The Business”….
Do you play music or no music?
If there’s no music, can roomie hear shit?
If there is music (considering that I never play music ever, business or no business) wouldn’t the music be an indication of the fact that I was doing the business and therefore counteract the point of playing the music all together because it would make it apparent that I was, in fact, doing the business?

At first I worked real hard. Now I hardly work, but I work hard to make it look like I’m working hard. Now sometimes I work hard and…

Norfolk -- That time we went to Norfolk State that one time

Norfolk -- That time we went to Norfolk State that one time

This one night Phia and I got drunk. And by drunk I mean, we got real drunk.

Off break, leaving out of the Hampton University dorms, I declare that it was a "Bacardi Night!", which means I was only consuming Bacardi products all night. We head over to the harbor where I'm already half drunk to get drunker… People are offering various beverages but I’M ONLY DRINKING BACARDI.

We get drunk as shit and I'm so "Drunk" that I get the munchies (shutup). So we go to the Burger King (this was before that shit burned down). Now they were closed, but the drive thru was open.

A valuable lesson was learned that night:

YOU CANNOT WALK THRU THE DRIVE THRU. No matter how nicely you ask. Apparently that shit doesn't work at banks either. It's a safety issue or something. But it's not like I'm gonna rob you and run away real fast. That's just stupid.
Anyway. We hitch a ride thru the drive thru from the…

Que punch is a motherfucker….

This man next to me on the bus yesterday kept on talking to himself and raising his hands like he was on a rollercoaster. Seriously.

I was late to work yesterday morning and my boss kept threatening to send me home if I was sick.

He sent me this email:
Try raising your hands see if you can get a wave going... Seriously, how are you feeling? I will send you home...

(In regards to the aforementioned crazy man and my general health).

So I sent him this email, word for word:
A. You cannot send me home.
B. He is extra crazy. Beyond just plain crazy. I am trying not to agitate him.
C. I'm on my way already. I have a frog in my throat.
D. Honestly for a crazy person, he smells extra clean. You would think being crazy would impede his ability to be about personal hygene but nope..... Smelled quite unlike pee.....

He sent this back:
A. You are VERY wrong about A. I can send you home, and have the executive management back me up.
B. He is probably just very sociable.
C. Yeah and I bet the frog is …

The one and only time that I peed on someone during sex

R Kelly was acquitted. No, really. I'm just as shocked as you.

I saw that tape and my thoughts while watching it were as follows:

R Kelly has a little dick.

R Kelly has erectile dysfunction.

R Kelly is a bama for recording this shit knowing damn well he has a small dick and erectile dysfunction.

R Kelly knows damn well that that girl ain’t 18.

That girl can't dance.

R Kelly is telling her to piss on the floor?

R Kelly has no intention of mopping that up. If R Kelly mopped his own floors, he’d just let her pee in a toilet like a normal person.

I feel sorry for R Kelly's maid.

Is he gonna cum in her face?

I hope it doesn't get into her eye. That shits bound to hurt.

Wow. Not pee.

OH DEAR God! Not Pee!

But in her face tho? Ummm that explains a lot.

R Kelly is weird.

R Kelly single handedly took pissing on people out of my list of kinky shit and landed it squarely in my "that's weird but more common than you think" list.

I even saw the R Kells eats ass video.

Same lil …

The "Why Choose (Penis)" blog

I had a very loosely formed blog that I never got around to finishing called the "Why choose (Penis)" blog.

Essentially this was about big ass dick syndrome and I never could bring myself to finish it.

Big ass dick syndrome is a phemomenon that I noticed among men. It's a level of swag carried by men with big ass dicks. Confidence, cockiness, call it what you will. And in trying to write about it, I saw that the theory itself was completely fallacious in nature, which is probably why I never finished it.

So I decided to write a different blog, because the Big Ass Dick blog was really about having it all.... Love sex money happiness. Why can't you have it all? I just realized something while driving to my hair appointment, because apparently you can be extra insightful if you are sleep deprived.

You can have it all, all that you need. You just have to give up some shit.
Them wants:
Them 7-11s
Them delivery penises
Them fun junts.....

Flirting is great and all but flirting ca…

Self, Script, WhiteFolks and Moet Mimosas

Self, Script, WhiteFolks and Moet Mimosas

This is one of the many stories from possibly the most ignorant year of my life: 2001@ Hampton University.

There are a slew of ignorant stories: The “Patious” adventure, the Baked African American History final, the time I got my whole deck pulled in the Cafeteria and had to look at the ground, the time we hitched a ride in the Burger king drive thru to go to Norfolk, the time we went to convocations drunk, the 1st weekend that I didn't make it home, the 2101 Boyz adventures. The tales of Lefty, Angry, tha B-more Bamma, Rich guy and Dirty, the Yellow Pissy house and the infamous 5 dudes, 3 hrs, 1 chair story (No, nasty. It’s not what you think....)

But this story is one of the most significant because this was the first tine I learned the importance of getting peoples real names instead of just getting aliases.

It all started at the bookstore. Hampton took a lot of time warning us of the perils of outsiders. No one paused for the cause and war…