Sex Etiquette, Why I went to College and Dick Ass Whoopins

  • Why I went to college
    I went to college for numerous random ass reasons.
    1. I didn’t have shit else to do.
    2. People told me I wasn’t going to go to college and I love proving assholes wrong.
    3. College was really easy….


  • While at college I learned random shit.
    Like:
    1. How to argue down teachers.
    2. How to bullshit my way through life.
    3. Fool-proof excuses for lateness (i.e. Extremely detailed descriptions of diarrhea)


  • Sex etiquette :
    Having a roommate brings new complications to doing “The Business”….
    1. Do you play music or no music?
    2. If there’s no music, can roomie hear shit?
    3. If there is music (considering that I never play music ever, business or no business) wouldn’t the music be an indication of the fact that I was doing the business and therefore counteract the point of playing the music all together because it would make it apparent that I was, in fact, doing the business?


  • At first I worked real hard. Now I hardly work, but I work hard to make it look like I’m working hard. Now sometimes I work hard and shit so I can do other shit, like play and chill and shit.

  • “If His dick met yo dick on the street, his dick would call yo dick a bitch.”

  • "His dick makes your dick feel cheated. Makes you wanna go to yo daddy and slap him for givin you inferior genetics."

  • Just incase you were DYING TO KNOW what the infamous Jon Famous “Fly” video looks like, here it is:


  • Maurice and I decided that this needs to be the new National anthem.


  • Fayetteville, NC: Why this group of people was scopin out this restaurant, inquiring as to whether there was room for their stroller (complete with baby) in the smoking section.

  • Me: My stomach hurts.
    Heidi: Are you pregnant?
    Me: No?
    Heidi: But you could be though? It’s a possibility?
    Me: Yes Heidi, but it’s a possibility for everyone. Ever since that man carried a baby, it’s a toss up Heidi. We could all be pregnant.
    Heidi: True…..

  • If you make an extra nutritious smoothie but then put liquor in it, it’s both good and bad… Like you packed mad antioxidants and folic type shit up in that junt but then you toss liquor on it and tho liquor is bad, it can’t outweigh all that goodness, can it?

  • I’m mad that Phia recounted the events of “That time we went to Norfolk that time” and that Bacardi made me forget so many details. Also, Hi-C fruit punch mixes well with all Bacardis…

  • I think she's a cheap hooker.... Nuff said.

  • Him: Pandora @ the park?
    Me: I cannot risk being associated with cheap low rent hooker such as yourself and therefore must graciously decline your invitation.... (at least I graciously declined... that's kinda polite, right?)

  • "This would make a great house party if it were a house and there was liquor...."

  • Chris: “Im a stavant.”
    Me:“You mean a savant?”
    Chris:“I guess. I get that shit mixed up sometimes….”
    Me: “And this is why I love you so very dearly….”

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