Sex Etiquette, Why I went to College and Dick Ass Whoopins

  • Why I went to college
    I went to college for numerous random ass reasons.
    1. I didn’t have shit else to do.
    2. People told me I wasn’t going to go to college and I love proving assholes wrong.
    3. College was really easy….


  • While at college I learned random shit.
    Like:
    1. How to argue down teachers.
    2. How to bullshit my way through life.
    3. Fool-proof excuses for lateness (i.e. Extremely detailed descriptions of diarrhea)


  • Sex etiquette :
    Having a roommate brings new complications to doing “The Business”….
    1. Do you play music or no music?
    2. If there’s no music, can roomie hear shit?
    3. If there is music (considering that I never play music ever, business or no business) wouldn’t the music be an indication of the fact that I was doing the business and therefore counteract the point of playing the music all together because it would make it apparent that I was, in fact, doing the business?


  • At first I worked real hard. Now I hardly work, but I work hard to make it look like I’m working hard. Now sometimes I work hard and shit so I can do other shit, like play and chill and shit.

  • “If His dick met yo dick on the street, his dick would call yo dick a bitch.”

  • "His dick makes your dick feel cheated. Makes you wanna go to yo daddy and slap him for givin you inferior genetics."

  • Just incase you were DYING TO KNOW what the infamous Jon Famous “Fly” video looks like, here it is:


  • Maurice and I decided that this needs to be the new National anthem.


  • Fayetteville, NC: Why this group of people was scopin out this restaurant, inquiring as to whether there was room for their stroller (complete with baby) in the smoking section.

  • Me: My stomach hurts.
    Heidi: Are you pregnant?
    Me: No?
    Heidi: But you could be though? It’s a possibility?
    Me: Yes Heidi, but it’s a possibility for everyone. Ever since that man carried a baby, it’s a toss up Heidi. We could all be pregnant.
    Heidi: True…..

  • If you make an extra nutritious smoothie but then put liquor in it, it’s both good and bad… Like you packed mad antioxidants and folic type shit up in that junt but then you toss liquor on it and tho liquor is bad, it can’t outweigh all that goodness, can it?

  • I’m mad that Phia recounted the events of “That time we went to Norfolk that time” and that Bacardi made me forget so many details. Also, Hi-C fruit punch mixes well with all Bacardis…

  • I think she's a cheap hooker.... Nuff said.

  • Him: Pandora @ the park?
    Me: I cannot risk being associated with cheap low rent hooker such as yourself and therefore must graciously decline your invitation.... (at least I graciously declined... that's kinda polite, right?)

  • "This would make a great house party if it were a house and there was liquor...."

  • Chris: “Im a stavant.”
    Me:“You mean a savant?”
    Chris:“I guess. I get that shit mixed up sometimes….”
    Me: “And this is why I love you so very dearly….”

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Recap with my Shrink and a Declaration of Singledom

I woke up this morning real sadlike. I woke up knowing that I would have to do something very difficult today. I was going to have to break up with my therapist.... Or at the very least stagger my appointments. See, my job changed my health care. The new shitty ass health care that they gave me is taken by virtually no one. Exhilarating. And right before xmas. Merry fucking xmas. I heart sanity and shit but I cannot afford to spend 2K a year to keep it. When I first walked into his office, I couldn't articulate what was wrong. I was upset but I couldn't say why. Nothing was wrong but Nothing was right either. I was extremely depressed. My gyno recommended that I take up jogging. Tip: When very depressed, do not attempt to jog as a remedy. It is impossible to jog while sobbing. (I speak from personal experience.) He took time. Never questioned me. Waited for me to learn to trust him and take down my guard. He never lectures and never judges. And He helped me immensely in ways t...
Read more

At least I still have my shoes.... (HU Homecoming Recap)

Image
I gotta start off with these lyrics.... They are SOOOO applicable. Trust. John Legend - Green Light So I went hard like Medusa staring at me I told her let's go, let's blow this lame nigga factory She said, What type of girl do you think I are The kind that you meet in a bar You think you can get whatever you want cause you some kinda star No I'm a comet I just want you woman Hey, If I were you then It would be me that I go home with 3, the one and only One thing you ain't considered I heard you when you told your girl "ooo he can get it" Admit it You did it Let's hop a cab and split it I'm kiddin We both going to where you livin Fuckin HU Homecoming Weekend. Wooooow. First off, we were running around like crazy. My dopamine was bananas. Seriously. I was so excited. Dan got the tickets midday and I started to tingle off break cuz I knew this had the potential to be the best night at LOVE, EVER!!!! And it was. Dan scoops me, and I am running late as alw...
Read more

My heart vs. My head (Plus Haters, Hoe friends & Fluke bitches)

After getting back from NJ and seeing my dad, who is now out of the hospital with pending cardiologist visits, I have been bogged down with work, sleep, colds and the guy I like. I have also been slightly torn between what I feel I "should" say to him vs. what actually has a need to be verbalized in our current situation. We ain't got no rings... and no commitments (though we do get along well). The sex is.... Well just watch the video: Now, we haven't discussed exclusivity. I don't think there is an expectation that my vagina is strictly for him and tho I haven't slept with anyone else yet, a much welcome friend should be reemerging within the next week. I think we are functioning on a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. He don’t seem to want to ask, so I don’t really intend on telling. All I know is this: My heart says one thing... (like perhaps if I care about the sanctity and purity of this situation, I should keep my vag to myself.) My vagin...
Read more