I believe in only 2 things: destiny and the beauty of the impulsive act...
I'm not very predictable. Antoine says that I am “the definition of random.” I’m not sure if he meant that as a compliment or as an insult, but I always took it as a compliment.
When I talk to people who have their whole fucking lives planned out, I think “Dear god, I’d rather kill myself than live like that" cuz for all their planning, they have a quiet desperation about them and sit around pumping me for stories of my randomness….
I must confess, I have no savings account. I haven’t had one in years, since I was about 12. Who the fuck needs one when I have a checking account?
I don’t have dental insurance. When asked at work if I wanted to get dental for $5 a month, I said (and I quote) “What the fuck is gonna happen to my teeth in the next year?”. Next thing I knew, severe malnutrition lead me to need very expensive dental work… Go figure.
I have absolutely no money in my 401K. Ummm I just haven’t had time to fill out the paperwork.
I used to plan everything. Every meal, every activity, everything on lists, meticulously planned out. And with that came loads of anxiety. What if shit went wrong? What if my plans didn’t pan out? What if I failed, or even scarier, what if I succeeded and then had to accomplish bigger and better feats? I planned my college, marriage and divorce all prior to the age of 9 and was planning out my final resting place (cuz you can never be too prepared, you know?). We all have our compulsions, I guess……
And my expectations of myself coupled with everyone else’s expectations of me lead to a slew of complexes…. So I overcorrected. I became completely complacent. And somewhere in there I corrected once again and made it through college as a fairly balanced student. I studied sometimes, I partied other times… and graduated in 4 years…
And when I graduated, I earned a whole new slew of complexes. 2005 was not the best year. I lost about 50 lbs over the course of three months. I stopped sleeping. I started hallucinating and became more than alittle obsessive compulsive. If you asked me 2 years ago where I thought I would be now…. Dead would be on the top of my list. Um jail might have ranked up there. Institutionalized as a means of getting alil vacay….. Yeah. That woulda made the list too.
And somewhere in there, I guess I had to realize that my priorities weren’t my own. Either I was living up to someone else’s idea of what I needed to be, or I was merely doing the opposite of what I was “supposed to do”. I’m still not sure who is sitting around figuring out what we’re supposed to do or why everyone is so easily bamboozled into doing this bullshit that is for the greater good within a society that systematically screws us over on a regular basis. Whatever… the system is flawed.
So me and my Shrink sat down 6 months ago…. I started to get better and we started to set goals… And my first goal was to define myself for myself… Around and outside the expectations of others. And I started to get better.
My last appointment he said “You’re doing great.”
I said “I guess.”
He said “Do you know how I know that?”
“Hmm, because you secretly stalk me?” I replied…….
Who knows? I guess I look happier. But I still don’t plan shit. I like to know that if need be, I can skip off to Nicaragua. Or that on any given evening, I could be talking to a transvestite hooker named “Candy” in Dupont Circle while my friend wanders off and smokes crack…. Or that I could end up in Norfolk stealing everyone’s Bacardi…. Getting kidnapped by Self, White Folks and them or just plain being debaucherous….
I guess cuz I feel like I’m living on borrowed time and I’ve adopted this one policy in life : That I love and appreciate the beauty of the impulsive act… sometimes I’m so random, I even surprise myself.
So, I have no savings account… I don’t have dental insurance… And I still ain’t put shit into my 401k.
Fuck it… That’s me….. All day. Love it or hate it.
If you wanna read about strange ass adventures that went down.....Follow this link
If you wanna read the infamous "Randoms".....Follow this link
Ps. I just opened a savings and a money market account and upgraded my checking account to a premium account. I am gangster and all my money earns money now.. BITCHES!!!!
When I talk to people who have their whole fucking lives planned out, I think “Dear god, I’d rather kill myself than live like that" cuz for all their planning, they have a quiet desperation about them and sit around pumping me for stories of my randomness….
I must confess, I have no savings account. I haven’t had one in years, since I was about 12. Who the fuck needs one when I have a checking account?
I don’t have dental insurance. When asked at work if I wanted to get dental for $5 a month, I said (and I quote) “What the fuck is gonna happen to my teeth in the next year?”. Next thing I knew, severe malnutrition lead me to need very expensive dental work… Go figure.
I have absolutely no money in my 401K. Ummm I just haven’t had time to fill out the paperwork.
I used to plan everything. Every meal, every activity, everything on lists, meticulously planned out. And with that came loads of anxiety. What if shit went wrong? What if my plans didn’t pan out? What if I failed, or even scarier, what if I succeeded and then had to accomplish bigger and better feats? I planned my college, marriage and divorce all prior to the age of 9 and was planning out my final resting place (cuz you can never be too prepared, you know?). We all have our compulsions, I guess……
And my expectations of myself coupled with everyone else’s expectations of me lead to a slew of complexes…. So I overcorrected. I became completely complacent. And somewhere in there I corrected once again and made it through college as a fairly balanced student. I studied sometimes, I partied other times… and graduated in 4 years…
And when I graduated, I earned a whole new slew of complexes. 2005 was not the best year. I lost about 50 lbs over the course of three months. I stopped sleeping. I started hallucinating and became more than alittle obsessive compulsive. If you asked me 2 years ago where I thought I would be now…. Dead would be on the top of my list. Um jail might have ranked up there. Institutionalized as a means of getting alil vacay….. Yeah. That woulda made the list too.
And somewhere in there, I guess I had to realize that my priorities weren’t my own. Either I was living up to someone else’s idea of what I needed to be, or I was merely doing the opposite of what I was “supposed to do”. I’m still not sure who is sitting around figuring out what we’re supposed to do or why everyone is so easily bamboozled into doing this bullshit that is for the greater good within a society that systematically screws us over on a regular basis. Whatever… the system is flawed.
So me and my Shrink sat down 6 months ago…. I started to get better and we started to set goals… And my first goal was to define myself for myself… Around and outside the expectations of others. And I started to get better.
My last appointment he said “You’re doing great.”
I said “I guess.”
He said “Do you know how I know that?”
“Hmm, because you secretly stalk me?” I replied…….
Who knows? I guess I look happier. But I still don’t plan shit. I like to know that if need be, I can skip off to Nicaragua. Or that on any given evening, I could be talking to a transvestite hooker named “Candy” in Dupont Circle while my friend wanders off and smokes crack…. Or that I could end up in Norfolk stealing everyone’s Bacardi…. Getting kidnapped by Self, White Folks and them or just plain being debaucherous….
I guess cuz I feel like I’m living on borrowed time and I’ve adopted this one policy in life : That I love and appreciate the beauty of the impulsive act… sometimes I’m so random, I even surprise myself.
So, I have no savings account… I don’t have dental insurance… And I still ain’t put shit into my 401k.
Fuck it… That’s me….. All day. Love it or hate it.
If you wanna read about strange ass adventures that went down.....Follow this link
If you wanna read the infamous "Randoms".....Follow this link
Ps. I just opened a savings and a money market account and upgraded my checking account to a premium account. I am gangster and all my money earns money now.. BITCHES!!!!
Comments
Also, we discussed randomness this year I ur birthday. I think we figured that we need to live life to the fullest, not following rules, expectation, or guidelines. This year I've done tons of random shyt & realized random shyt happens. Cause no matter what we try n plan for, everyone and everything else is outta our control, which ultamitely has an effect on our here n now. Be random girl, just plan for it. LOL.