The Good, the Bad & the Semi-Literate

I woke up this morning real sadlike. I woke up knowing that I would have to do something very difficult today. I was going to have to break up with my therapist.... Or at the very least stagger my appointments. See, my job changed my health care. The new shitty ass health care that they gave me is taken by virtually no one. Exhilarating. And right before xmas. Merry fucking xmas. I heart sanity and shit but I cannot afford to spend 2K a year to keep it. When I first walked into his office, I couldn't articulate what was wrong. I was upset but I couldn't say why. Nothing was wrong but Nothing was right either. I was extremely depressed. My gyno recommended that I take up jogging. Tip: When very depressed, do not attempt to jog as a remedy. It is impossible to jog while sobbing. (I speak from personal experience.) He took time. Never questioned me. Waited for me to learn to trust him and take down my guard. He never lectures and never judges. And He helped me immensely in ways t...

The Eastern Star Adventure Okay, 1st off I got lost. Real talk. But only a lil bit. So I get there and the first thing I notice is that I am the only "Person of Color" there. Cool. Fine. It was alil like a family reunion with my Mom's side. So I go to the bathroom and get distracted by the Meeting/Alter room. Not really sure what it was but I deeply felt like I shouldn't have been there. Still stared real hard tho... Whatev. I go back to the main room, following the voiding of my bladder. We chit chat quite a bit with everyone. We (My coworker and I) are 2 of only four people there under 30. Interesting. People keep on touching me in places that make me uncomfortable.... Like on both shoulders, like this: Or on the small of my back. Like women in their 60's and 70's. These are spots that I consider to be my intimate spots so this shit is offputting. The man next to me asked me who Kris Kringle was in relation to Santa Claus. I speculate that perhaps they are f...

Preface: I often recap shit I talk about with my shrink. He is a wise man and sometimes I recap what we talk about because it echoes of the shit that I been goin through... but mostly I recap because it took me soooo long to be ok with going to the shrink, and even longer to be OK with getting on Medication. I cannot count how many people told me not to go and how many people told me that "Black people don't go to shrinks, you better call a friend or your mama or your pastor." I spent a really long time not gettin the help that I needed due to other peoples ignorance and bullshit stigmatizations. So I feel semi-obligated to speak on and recount the visits that I have with my very awesome shrink and to let people know how much it helped me (and encourage all those who are thinking about it to know that it's cool and it saved my life). Just sayin.... :P Recap with my Shrink: Apparently I am doin AOK except for the fact that I had a couple of anxiety attacks. Lemme say ...

Ecstasy and Liquor make people act completely fucking inappropriately. My coworker is gone. I feel like I lost a buddy. I guess I did. It’s like the job broke up with her. One day everything is fine and the next, the job doesn't want to see her anymore and just wants to be friends..... It was sad. So I took her to Cafe Asia and then we bought chocolate.... Yay Sushi. Yay Chocolate. Lots of things have me feeling some kinda way. Talking to one of my exes made me remember all the reasons I left him. Cuz he is hypersensitive and got irate when I asked him to stop calling me from random people’s house and cell phones... It’s unnerving and I don’t fucks wit it. I end up calling back your mama’s house past 10pm and I wasn’t raised like that. It’s fucking rude. Apparently he didn’t like this and let me know that I have outrageous standards and he can’t help it if he does not have the means to stay in contact with me and that this is why I’m single now... I let him know that I would rather...

Recap with my shrink & why God didn’t give me a penis. Checked in with my Shrink. That’s always exhilarating. First he asks, “Hows the relationship?”. Me: Hmmm, well we broke up. Dr. Shrinkman: Wow. Me: Yeah, the day after I left my last appointment. Dr. Shrinkman: Wow. Me Yeah. He ignored my phone calls and texts the entire day. Dr. Shrinkman: He did What? Me: Exactly… Essentially I said Fuck you, cuz I felt ignored. He apparently didn’t like that so he broke up with me. Dr. Shrinkman: Well, what’s the opposite of love?” Me: Indifference, Doc. Indifference…. And that’s what it felt like when he ignored me for no reason other than he couldn’t be bothered to text me back….. Dr. Shrinkman: Very good! I think it might be of value to discuss why you always choose “The Wrong Men” (he did not use words this nice). Cie la vie…. My shrinkman. He is smart. I have been on a short hiatus lately. We all know why I don’t write when I don’t write…. I’ve been busy… doing stuff…. O...

I just got back from the dentist... always an exhilarating adventure. I started going there a year ago due to complications from malnutrition that developed due to an "eating problem" that I acquired right out of college. Apparently, if you don't supply your bodily organs with the nutrients that they need, they simply give up on you. We spent time together (me and my dental technician), where she scolded me for not flossing and I explained that I was preoccupied with numerous other things that made flossing irrelevant. First off, I'd like to explain what this blog is not.... Apparently I am learning to sensor... Today was a not so good day.... which means that this blog was almost an "Open letter to my Ex" until I realized that doing so would be the least effective way of expressing my feelings and that I should just call him instead. Most of the time I'd just keep it to myself but my shrink and the lessons on malnutrition that I learned from my "ea...

So I guess what it comes down to is this……. We all have coping mechanisms. Perhaps that guest shrink was right. We all use something. And I make jokes. About everything. Jokes about other people…. Jokes about myself…. But mostly about other people. Without much regard to how other people feel…. Cuz that’s how I’ve always dealt with everything. Doesn’t make it right, doesn’t make it okay…. But it most definitely is how I shake off the stuff that happens and has happened. Which just makes everything alittle less real. Got raped, make a joke. Several thousand dollars down the drain, shake that shit off. Tough times, fuck it. But I guess in the long run everybody gets hurt by it. It’s not that I’m purposefully mean but I am thoughtless. Most definitely careless. And inconsiderate. I think I need to take some time. Pause. Get alittle bit of quiet in my head. Cuz I’m an asshole and I have to contend with that. Also, I need to re-evaluate some things. So my phone is off. And my email is going...

Eventful as this last weekend was…. I am unable to divulge the details. Lets just say it was interesting and there were some new worlds explored. Work- difficult. Happy chemicals in my brain- Definitely touch and go. REDSKINS- lookin real fuckin good. Umm, made soup (corn, sweet potato, and kale) and Avocado quesadillas. Rest of the week….. Bound to be full of late nights at the office and sex toys in the evening. Just trying to keep my head above water at this point. Time marches on. I march on. Shrink says I’m doin well. That’s why I pay him the big bucks, so he can think about the things that I’m too tired to deal with. Have some thinking to do…. Which means I’ll be walking home for the next couple of days. Side note: Station 9 this Saturday. Should be hot. Get your bitch ass on the guest list. Email for the guestlist

When I was in highschool, for some reason me and my homegirl were worried about vaginal looseness (we were strange, I guess). So we went to the sex toy shop. Ps. If headed to the sex toy shop, go to Night dreams in Bethesda..... Best selection at a decent price. But this was in 2000, either before Night Dreams opened or before we discovered that it was there.... And at that time we patronized a shady store in rockville pike, run by this horny 40 something greek lady and her 20 something boyfriend. This place was definitely interesting. Anyway, one day we purchased this shit that I dubbed "Pussy B Tight". Pussy-B-Tight is the vaginal equivalent of lip plumpers. You apply a little bit to the inner walls, it burns like hot peppers, aggravates your shit and makes it tighter. It also made all sexual contact ridiculouslly uncomfortable, but that's another story. Pussy b tight was for emergency uses only (ie. You were doing something you had no business doing and need to cover ...

I'm not very predictable. Antoine says that I am “the definition of random.” I’m not sure if he meant that as a compliment or as an insult, but I always took it as a compliment. When I talk to people who have their whole fucking lives planned out, I think “Dear god, I’d rather kill myself than live like that" cuz for all their planning, they have a quiet desperation about them and sit around pumping me for stories of my randomness…. I must confess, I have no savings account. I haven’t had one in years, since I was about 12. Who the fuck needs one when I have a checking account? I don’t have dental insurance. When asked at work if I wanted to get dental for $5 a month, I said (and I quote) “What the fuck is gonna happen to my teeth in the next year?”. Next thing I knew, severe malnutrition lead me to need very expensive dental work… Go figure. I have absolutely no money in my 401K. Ummm I just haven’t had time to fill out the paperwork. I used to plan everything. Every meal, e...

I am busy. This week sucked alot. These are randoms that I wrote mostly last night, while drunk and tired. Enjoy or don't. I is hung over and I care not how you feel... I feel like "How Netta got her groove back". Grinnin from ear to ear. A strong man doesn't need constant adoration and is capable of constructive criticism from their mate. I’m not about second chances. You give a Fuck boy a second chance and they run with that shit. Seriously. When you constantly date the worst of the worst, Nick calls that shit “Fuck Boy syndrome” I am lovin the Real World awards. Its like flashing back into time and watching all the shit I ain’t seen in a minute. Coral just got roommate you love to hate award and thanked Jesus. Awesome! The other day, I wanted to tattoo “Bomb ass pussy” on my left butt cheek, cuz I got problems. Everyone needs a catch phrase. Mine is “Pussy so sweet, you catch diabetes fucking wit me.” You gotta know where your heart is. I can't be trickin off ...

My shrink says some of the most amusing shit. This is one of the reasons that I pay him egregious amounts of money, so that he will tell me the shit that I am entirely too dense to absorb of my own accord. So my shrink says, "Jeanetta, it is possible to trust someone and not be gullible." Hmmm…. Now my first reaction to this was to think "Wow! That sounds like some shit you'd say to a gullible motherfucker, to get them to let their guard down so you could fuck em over." This is quite possibly the LEAST trusting reaction that someone could have to the advice that my shrink gave me. I honestly was sitting around trying to figure out his angle. I mean, I trust him. But only because I pay him for that Doctor/Patient privileged shit. He’s like legally bound to keep my secrets and I like that shit. I don’t trust damn near anybody. If my mother called me today and asked me for my social, the first words out of my mouth would be "What you need that for?" The ...