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Showing posts from March, 2009

How to take a Pregnancy Test! (Jskittle Style)

Sorry for the confusion: This is just my standard pee test procedure. I have not recently pee tested (thank you Jesus) and do not plan on needing to pee test any time soon.. (tantric celibacy anyone?). Sorry.


How to take a pregnancy test (Jskittle style)
Go to CVS.
Purchase the following:

A 3 pack pregnancy test
It will normally be a 2 pack with a bonus. I figure, if you need one.... you'll probably need more in the future. Save time and think ahead.

A box of Condoms
Just in case you're not pregnant... Let the good times roll.

A pack of cigarettes.
If the test is positive, you'll need a cigarette to smoke while you cry.
If it is negative... YAY celebratory smoke for the empty uterus. Woo Hoo.

This check list of pregnancy tools used to include liquor. I have since realized that liquor can take an emotionally charged situation and make it that much more dramatic... Hence liquor is now off of the list.

Go home. Drink water. Get a good nights rest. The evil hormones that signal pre…

FUNK DAT (Fuck You Friday!)

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FUNK DAT!
The first day of my period is by far the worst day of the month. I am a heinous and evil bitch.

On the first day of my period, I would rather do the following instead of talk to you:
Stab you in the eye with a pencil.
Slit your throat
Or my personal favorite
Disembowel you.

This is an Ode to "Tell em how you feel Thursday."... I'm calling it Fuck you, Friday.

Dear Faux Nice Guy,

First off, you from philly. Me and philly got issues. Last time I was in philly, nothin too crazy happened. But the time before that a stripper tried to fight me. Me and philly have beef and I hold you accountable for it. City of brotherly love My dick!

Anyways, I will never go out with you. It has become real apparent to me that I will never drop draws for you so why bother going on a date.

I think your niceness is really bullshit. You say shit that turns me off constantly. Even if it weren't for your strained attempts at conversation (I'm sure your tattoo is awesome), statements li…

DJ Kwame mix (they pulled the last one down)

CLICK HERE FOR DOWNLOAD

Apparently when I post the playlist it gets pulled down. Imma hafta smack another disclaimer on this site...

When to call "Bullshit" and Throw Hot Grits....

Sorry. I've been way to busy to write lately. Lot of random shit has been goin on and I kinda got caught up. Then I felt extra guilty because (very much to my surprise), I now have 51 subscribers and feel some kinda responsibility to produce. Anyway, on with the show.

Oddest thing happened on Monday. I walked out of my house to catch the bus and realized that I'd just missed it. Fuck it. I decided to walk to the metro. Cross the street and next thing I know I am being yelled at.

"WHERE THA FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN? GET IN THA FUCKIN CAR!"

Whoa. It's my old best friend from high school. I hadn't seen her in about 4 years. Long story short, a bunch of unnecessary drama popped up and between the drama she created, My job, and all the miscellaneous shit that was going on, I cut her off. Changed my number and called it a day.

So to see her out of nowhere after so long was a tremendous shock. I got in the car (she was holding up traffic on a major thoroughfare during rush …

Under no circumstances will I ever lick you ass...Ever

Weird sex requests

I actually got into a conversation about this the other day and thought it might make a good blog. I've personally received requests for all of the shit that is listed below and all of it was weird to me... Might not be weird to you but shit... I'm sexually conservative.

If you recognize yourself... Don't get mad at me. You know what you did, you know what you requested, and you knew damn well when you opened your freak mouth that I had a blog. Be thankful I ain't hyperlink your Facebook accounts to this shit.

Weird
When you ask me for a hand job...
You are way more qualified to jerk your own dick than I am. Aren't there better things that we can do with our time?

When you asked if you could lick my ass.
You can do it but no kisses for you... No.

When you ask if you can put your thumb in my ass...
Why would you want to? Really. But if it makes you happy, I guess..

Anal...
This isn't actually that weird. But I'm weird about anal. I only want to do…

Don't call me no mo, Don't text me no mo!!!

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I have been working 12 hr days lately. I just want to see my desk. Right now it has shit on it. I want that shit to go away. Far far away. Today I had an outburst. I actually had to leave just to calm down.

I am a simple individual. I like simple shit. I like to laugh and giggle. I like honest straight forward people who also like to laugh and giggle. I love my family and big salads and cupcakes.

I love "House". I believe that there are 2 kinds of people in this world. There are those who love "House" and those who don't yet realize that they love "House". Whenever "House" comes on, its like Christmas came early.

I just like to chill. I wish I could chill more but chillin ain't been in the cards for me lately.

Yesterday, I did a phone purge. After the whole "sting operation" thing, I deleted 3 motherfuckers.

That whole "SWAT sting" bullshit put me in a foul mood. I ended up being bitchy to the Jump off, and then straight…

I got 99 problems & they're all bitches. Every last one.

I left my phone at home today... No real reason to bring it to work, plus I had a shitload of actual "work" to do today...

Left work at 9pm and got home at about 10. Glance at the phone and had 2 texts. One from a PYT who I never really paid enough attention, but I probably should and another from a guy I used to smash in the beginning of 2008. Now this is where shit gets tricky. I met this guy in early 2008. We kicked it for a lil bit and then shit just started gettin weak.

Now around this same time I was on my "Single" tip so I was booking other dudes and DC is entirely too fucking small. I booked one of his acquaintances by accident.

(From here on out the acquaintance shall be dubbed Hennessy, because he is strong in every sense of the word)

Later on, I find out that they know each other and the whole thing becomes straight bullshit.

About 7 or months ago, I was at a party at Olives, chilling and mostly drunk. They're both there, and apparently a few other guy…

College, Backblowers, The Hump Tape and the dismissal of "Most Men"

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Soooooo. I did like I said. I gave up “Most Men” for lent. The cigarettes are a whole other story…. Giving up the Liquor goes hand in hand with the “Most Men” thing, cuz given the number of stories that I have that begin with “I ordered a Tequila Sunrise”, Sex and liquor go hand in hand.

Minus “Most Men”, I have been quite productive. I study a lot. I am a lot less aggravated at bullshit…. Shit has been going well.

There is only one person who is receiving an exemption from the “Most Men” rule. He isn’t “Most Men”. Plus he's an out of towner and I gotta be Hospitable... I'm southern. It's in my nature.

I have plans on making a big ass cupcake.

1st you gotta get this :



Yeah. Big ass cupcake pan. So that you can make One Big Ass Cupcake….



College. Sweet Jesus. I been mad nostalgic lately. Some shit is only really acceptable in college.

I think that's why I liked visiting Morgantown, Wv so much. It was a college town so being there was like hanging out in a suspended state …