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Showing posts from July, 2009

Tips to help you avoid first date hell

Crazy Camera Lady and the Sexcation (Pt. 1)

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Let's start off with Wednesday since that is really where the story begins. I was leaving work and I see this woman in all black standing outside, replete with a lunch and work bag, videotaping people and yelling things. Crazy-people things. About terrorism and wires and how somebody killed her mother. I couldn't stop watching. So, I'm hiding in the FedEx, giggling and watching and dying laughing.

I head back to my office to grab my shit and leave when I hear her yelling again... So I turn the corner and there she is. Yelling at this white guy about how she should be happy that he is getting his 15 minutes of fame and that he is going to be arrested. Then she video tapes me and tells me to tell "them" how I murdered her mother. The white guys interest was apparently piqued so he asks her why he is going to get arrested and for her to tell him more. She crosses the street and he follows. And follows and follows. At this point, he is chasing her around cars. She sta…

DJ Kwame Summer Mix

Jury duty & Bootycalls should both be more efficient

I got an online gig with examiner.com. From here on out, my non-cursing, non-dirty stuff will be housed there. My filthy ass shit will still be on here.
Here's the info to locate me:
My Examiner homepage
Click here to subscribe
Click here to favorite me

Click here to see my 1st article
I will be writing there once a week or more and I will still be writing the same crazy ole shit over here. Just a heads up. Oh Yeah... go there often... cuz that's how I get paid...
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I am going through a selfish phase.

I ain't gonna lie. I just finally got the chance to write... for pay. I still work 9 to 6pm most days and also maintain this blog as well as coming up with new and creative content for the Examiner.

All parts of my life are now about efficiency and effectiveness. Efficient eating. Efficient sleeping. Efficient fucking. Efficiency.

I need sex that distinctly meets my needs. This has definitely made me ali…

Saving, Caking and Cuffin these Hoes....

Please note.... I got about 5 blogs that I just need to write. They are in progress, so I should be rolling out with a couple more in the next few days.

Ok, Before I even get into this, let me define a few things:
Hoe - Hoes is free... and Gods Gift like Xmas
Hookers - Hookers are Hoes that you pay to leave.
Escorts - Escorts are expensive hoes that you can take places. It's in their title. Escorts. They take people places.... Cuz Them Hoes is cultured and shit....

Now, on with the show....

My Dad asked me about the term "Captain Save-a-Hoe". He wanted to know why my brother and I used it. I had to explain to him, that hoes sometimes require saving... and if you save em once, you probably gonna hafta keep savin em. I said "Dad, iffin you throw on that cape once.. Hoe damsels in distress will stay fallin at yo feet for life."

Saving leads to resentment. My dad's thought was "Is it so wrong to help someone out? Say that they don't have enough to cover thei…

Things to do in Portland when you're not busy fucking.

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I have scheduled my very first "Sexcation". I normally have a standing "I don't travel for Dick policy", but he is one of my faves.

I have met up with him in NY... To no avail. He was actually the source of my first "Shameless walk of shame", because when the hotel is really nice, ain't no shame in that.

HE is like a breath of fresh air right when I need it. Sweet, intelligent, attractive, funny, a gentleman and a body that makes my innards twitch when I think about it.Everytime we do the do, it is better than the last time. And this, my friends, is why I shall travel for it. He is a hard habit to kick and it's been a while.


She wants that old thing back. She want those Heroin tracks.
She likes me. She fiends for me nightly. She leans for me.
Morning she rush for my touch.
This is about LUST.
Cold sweats occur when I'm not with her
My presence is a must- must- must-
Bonita Applebum, i gotta put you on
If i didn't when we cuttin' the feelin…

Lingerie, Red Lobster and G-Spot Amplifications.

When I think about love... That shit makes me catch my breath in my chest. Feelings shouldn't feel so much. I just can't, and the mere thought of it is damn near overwhelmin'. That level of intensity is somethin I just can't cope with nowadays.

Perhaps it’s the abstaining... I find that my tolerance for it all has gone out the window. In the words of my friend Erian, “I just don’t got it to give right now.” And when I speak of giving, I am not speaking on the doling out of Vagina… No. I have plenty of Vagina to give. What I lack is feeling, enthusiasm and even a desire to be bothered or touched. It is too hot out to be bothered with heat that is generated by other people. Especially when that heat has decided to position itself right on top of me and thrust, resulting in friction and consequently more fucking heat and an increase in the probability of sweat.

There’s just a slew of things I no longer want to be bothered with:

The random oddity that is men.
The minute I got…

Thank God Fourth of July only comes once a Year

I am unsure as to exactly what happened last night.

I awoke wear a backward wife beater and an inside out pair of Boxers.

I recall the following details.

I started off in some part of VA and large quantities of Mojitos popped off.Then somehow I made it to Silver Spring, where wine, cardplaying and numerous totally inappropriate conversations occurred.

Later I end up at my house, where shit really got weird.....

I established that everyone was a consenting adult (don't ask)...

Showed off my rugburn.
Bit someone on the neck.
Made up a song called "Smack a Chickenhead" and outright was confused.
Someone tried to kidnap a dog.
Alot of people spoke russian and some time around 6am I gave up on life...

Whatever.

At this point.... The events of this last weekend rivaled insanity that popped off in 2000. Swear to god.

Also, It managed to kill my sex drive. Outright. It killed my sex drive worse than Birth Control Pills Kill your sex drive.

I am now hermitted in my home. HERMIT. DO…