Lingerie, Red Lobster and G-Spot Amplifications.

When I think about love... That shit makes me catch my breath in my chest. Feelings shouldn't feel so much. I just can't, and the mere thought of it is damn near overwhelmin'. That level of intensity is somethin I just can't cope with nowadays.

Perhaps it’s the abstaining... I find that my tolerance for it all has gone out the window. In the words of my friend Erian, “I just don’t got it to give right now.” And when I speak of giving, I am not speaking on the doling out of Vagina… No. I have plenty of Vagina to give. What I lack is feeling, enthusiasm and even a desire to be bothered or touched. It is too hot out to be bothered with heat that is generated by other people. Especially when that heat has decided to position itself right on top of me and thrust, resulting in friction and consequently more fucking heat and an increase in the probability of sweat.

There’s just a slew of things I no longer want to be bothered with:

• The random oddity that is men.
  The minute I got sick and tired of being sick and tired of the Bs… Yall mofo are comin outta the woodwork…. Did somebody set off a flare or something to alert every last man that I know to hit up my inbox? Some of yall are oldies, some of yall are goodies and some of yall are just random. From High school? Next thing you know, my elementary school boyfriend is gonna pop his lil ass up with two kids in tow, just DYIN to know how I’ve been doing. This dude is on my facebook trying to holler right now and he was born in 89. Is that even legal? I think he’s still in high school. This is a problem.
  
  
• The Grab Bag that is penis.
  There seem to be 2 specific categories of sex that I take issue with:
  
  
  1. Olive Garden Sex
     This is that sex where everything is OK…. But nothing is spectacular. Its all a passable rendition of something you had before except what you had before was better and more satisfying. The only time you really bother to go back is if you’re REALLY hungry or you just plain forgot how forgettable everything is.
     
     
  2. Red Lobster Sex
     If it weren’t for the Cheddar biscuits, you wouldn’t bother coming here. This person does one thing spectacularly well. But everything else is lame. Everything else is so lame that you stop bothering because the Cheddar Biscuits don’t make up for the travesty that will follow.
  
  
  It comes to a point that I’d rather just go hungry than risk one of these two.
  
  
• Lingerie….. is a fucking waste of money.
  I’ve dropped money on lingerie in the past and my experience has been as follows:
  
  
  1. I go to Victoria’s Secret and drop 100 dollars on a lacy teddy thing with a snap away crotch.
     
  2. I meet up with male.
     
  3. Male pulls the top down to get at my assets.
     
  4. Male pushes bottom up to get at my assets.
     
  5. 100 dollars worth of Lingerie ends up wrapped around my waist, cutting off my oxygen while the business occurs.
  
  You ungrateful bastards…. I will never bother again. Thanks for nothing.
  
  
• Shit that could lead to personal injury.
  I ain’t doing shit that could lead to personal injury.
  
  Mainly my issue is with Sex in the shower.
  
  See, its all fun and games til shit gets slippery. Next thing you know, someone is falling down and what is the first thing you do when you are falling? GRAB SOMETHING STABLE LOOKING. Ie. You grab at me. Now we are both “Man Down” and butt naked. God forbid someone broke something. I would hate to have to explain butt naked shower death to someone’s mother.
  
  
• I’ve also come to realize : If I wouldn't pay for it, I'd pass on it for free...
  
  All dick was not created equal. There is some dick that I’d pay for. I’d drive for. I’d go that extra mile for. But if Im not willing to do any of that, I feel like “Why fuckin bother getting out of bed?” That’s where Im at in life.
  The more sex you, the more dick you see and the more dick you see, the more you realize that most are closer to that standard deviation of penis. Just plain normal and boring and average. This is why, in our patriarchal society, we are encouraged not to have sex til marriage… So we don’t know how bad the dick that we settled on is.
  
  
• I cut my losses.
  I’ll walk away from a dick that I don't think will make me smile. No excuses, no apologies. I got to go... And I dip.
  
  
• I now have the where with all to know when my genitals are counter productive to my life.
  
  There are numerous people who I don’t do because of the potential negative ramifications on my life. People in my neighborhood, for instance. People that I’ve worked with. Having sex with them and their Standard Deviation penis will cause more problems than it’s worth.
  
  
• Never be willing to give someone everything.
  This actually came out of a discussion with my friend about a girl who’d left her.
  Me: That bitch was dumb.
  
  Homie: Yeah, I would have given her anything she wanted.
  
  Me: No. She was dumb because you’re a great catch. You were dumb cause you would have given her anything she wanted. You can’t give people everything. If you give them everything then they take it for granted and they don’t appreciate anything. You gotta give like 75, 80 percent max. Make them happy most of the time. You gotta toss in alil miserable, so that they can appreciate how good the good times are. Think about it. We’ve all left someone who would have given us everything. You gotta hold alil back.
  
  Homie: Yo. That’s true. I left “April” and she tried to give me the world….
  
  Me: Exactly.
  
  
• Never put all your eggs in one uterus.
  
  This phrase is actually ass backward, but at it’s essence it means: We’re all young. Enjoy yourself and be open to the possibility of running into something both unexpected and awesome.

I’ve temporarily hung up my glitter thong, but imma let you know, when I strap it back on – G-spot Amplification all day. ALL DAY!.