How to take a Pregnancy Test! (Jskittle Style)

Sorry for the confusion: This is just my standard pee test procedure. I have not recently pee tested (thank you Jesus) and do not plan on needing to pee test any time soon.. (tantric celibacy anyone?). Sorry.


How to take a pregnancy test (Jskittle style)

1. Go to CVS.
   Purchase the following:
   
   
   • A 3 pack pregnancy test
     It will normally be a 2 pack with a bonus. I figure, if you need one.... you'll probably need more in the future. Save time and think ahead.
     
     
   • A box of Condoms
     Just in case you're not pregnant... Let the good times roll.
     
     
   • A pack of cigarettes.
     If the test is positive, you'll need a cigarette to smoke while you cry.
     If it is negative... YAY celebratory smoke for the empty uterus. Woo Hoo.
   
   
   This check list of pregnancy tools used to include liquor. I have since realized that liquor can take an emotionally charged situation and make it that much more dramatic... Hence liquor is now off of the list.
   
   
2. Go home. Drink water. Get a good nights rest. The evil hormones that signal pregnancy are strongest in the AM piss.
   
   Now, you can do the test with someone else or you can take it alone. There are ups and downs to both of these.
   
   With a buddy: With a friend is okay. My besties know me so well, that there is never drama in the mix. Just peeing.
   
   With your significant other: Can go either way.
   
   Normally there is alot of "It's okay. Whatever happens, it's your choice." This is rarely comforting.
   
   If things are going good with your partner then shit'll probably be fine. If yall are not so good, I have a strict "DO NOT INVOLVE" policy. The last thing I need is an egotistical asshole manchild fighting for his "parental rights" when he still lives with his parents and can't manage bus fare to work... FUCK NO.
   
   You know how some people will say "I could see myself having his baby." Yeah, no. I have on more than one occasion stated "I could totally see myself having his abortion." This statement normally precipitates me saying "Fuck you, Dont call me no mo." Eh C'est la Vie.
   
   I prefer to pee alone. You pee, you look, you react without anyone asking you "So, what are you going to do now?" Yup. I pee alone...
   
   
3. Wake up in the morning. Stumble to bathroom. Pee on stick. Try not to pee on self.
   
   
4. Wait about 2 minutes. Try not to stare at the stick.
   
   
5. Look at stick.
   
   
6. Go "SON OF A BITCH!!!"
   
   
7. "MotherFUCKER!"
   
   
8. Actually read the instructions. Realize that the line that you mistook as positive really means negative. (which totally would have been a positive had it been one of the previous tests I'd taken. ALWAYS READ DIRECTIONS. It prevents heart attacks.)
   
   
9. Breathe a gigantic sigh of relief.
   
   
10. Go out for cocktails to celebrate nonpregnancy.

And that is how Jskittle pees on a stick. Tada...

Anyway TIPS OF THE DAY!!!!:

Apparently not fucking is where it's at. Tantric Celibacy. I imagine it must be fulfilling and quite productive....

Also, How to tell a man his penis is small.
I think that honesty is the best policy. But I also believe that a strong blow to a man's ego is like waking up a sleep walker. You can get assaulted. Fuck that. Just stop answering his calls.