Self, Script, WhiteFolks and Moet Mimosas
Self, Script, WhiteFolks and Moet Mimosas
This is one of the many stories from possibly the most ignorant year of my life: 2001@ Hampton University.
There are a slew of ignorant stories: The “Patious” adventure, the Baked African American History final, the time I got my whole deck pulled in the Cafeteria and had to look at the ground, the time we hitched a ride in the Burger king drive thru to go to Norfolk, the time we went to convocations drunk, the 1st weekend that I didn't make it home, the 2101 Boyz adventures. The tales of Lefty, Angry, tha B-more Bamma, Rich guy and Dirty, the Yellow Pissy house and the infamous 5 dudes, 3 hrs, 1 chair story (No, nasty. It’s not what you think....)
But this story is one of the most significant because this was the first tine I learned the importance of getting peoples real names instead of just getting aliases.
It all started at the bookstore. Hampton took a lot of time warning us of the perils of outsiders. No one paused for the cause and warned us about the fuckin students. Phia, E and I meet self while we were gettin robbed of all of our money at the University bookstore. Self introduced himself to us and immediately we are like "Your name is Self?" to which he replies "Yeah, Self as in Yourself, Myself, Ourselves......."...
Red flags should have went up, but alas, we had yet to hone our bullshit radar so when Self invited us to his place for Moet mimosas and crab legs, our dumb asses say SURE! Sounds Great. We just have to let E change into her Moet mimosa outfit. Mind you, its 10 am on Bay Day. For those of you who didn't attend HU, Bay Day is (according to Kennda bear) the “Celebration of the first ships to the area. Slaves ships and other good shit...”
I digress. We get in the car straight bumpin Jada Kisses "Is we fuckin or what?" Yet another indication that shit is perhaps awry. We get to an apartment at god knows where. Thing about HU is that there were rules for freshman. No car, you have to live in a dorm, and you have a curfew. Had we had a car, there woulda been a lot less problems and retarded ass stories.
We get in the apartment and meet Self’s cousin Script, as in "Flip the script" and their driver (still confused about that one) WhiteFolks, named for the fact that he was the palest of the bunch. Off break shit is off and we were VERY naïve. They are trying to get E and I to lay on script and Self’s beds; respectively, to see if they were the same size.
Self has dubbed Phia lil sis and there is no champagne, no food, nothing.
Somehow I end up in self’s bedroom and he's telling me that he's a 5 Percenter and how we should take a trip to NY to go shopping for a week. I was like "Hold Up! What's in it for you?"
Self: I don’t wanna fuck you
Me: then what do you want?
Self: money
Me: I don't have any money.....
Self: not your money. The money niggas will give you.
Me: ARE YOU TRYIN TO PIMP ME?
Self: Naw. I'm just saying, if you wanna do that tho, that's what's up.
No, the fuck it ain’t.
Self and script got to get the Moet and the crab legs and leave WhiteFolks to watch us.
We have been there over half of the day and there is no indication that they are gonna let us leave anytime soon. I got cold so I ask WhiteFolks if I can use a blanket and he tells me sure, but not the comforter.
Me: Why?
WhiteFolks: Skeet Skeet on the sheet!
Me: OH DEAR GOD!!!!
At this point, we realized that we might never get out of there and not only that but, even if we did get out and some crazy shit had popped off, we would have no way to hold anyone accountable because we didn’t know anyones real name. So, we start snooping through everything to find everyone’s real names. Transcripts, class schedules and a few pieces of mail later and we had everyone’s real names, except WhiteFolks.
This whole situation escalated when we got the liquor…
Now, we were promised Moet mimosas and Crab legs. Self comes back with no name champagne, a bottle of Bacardi, a bag of shrimp and a crab leg. No joke. So we start drinking cuz at this point, what else is there for us to do?
And drunkenly, this conversation transpires…
Self: Do yall wanna hear some Patois?
Us: what the fuck is that?
Self: Its this shit Jamaicans speak
Us: Ok?
Self: MUSSSEEEE smellllls laiikk tha streeettss off Kingstan…
Us: Huh?
Self: MUSSSEEEE smellllls laiikk tha streeettss off Kingstan…
Us: Something smells like the streets of Kingston? What is MUSSSEEEE?
Self: Musssseeee is pussy.
Us: ok……
Self: I used to have this West Indian girl and she spoke to her parents on the phone and I picked that shit up.
My thoughts: How the fuck do you pick up “PUSSY SMELLS LIKE THE STREETS of Kingston” from conversations that she had with her parents…. And that either mean that Pussy smells awful, or that the streets of Kingston stink. Whatever…
Liquor is flowing at this point and I see E outside on the patio talking to Script…. For some reason Self is trying to keep me away from the patio door. Let me give you the layout of the apartment.
It took me a few seconds in my drunken ass state to realize that I needed to be outside on that patio too… So I maneuver around self’s drunk ass and see Script trying to pull E into his bedroom through the door…..and she is literally fucking clawing the wall trying not to get pulled inside.
I ask : What’s going on?
Script: This is between us. We going in my room to watch some TV
(Now, I am never one to cockblock so I turn to E.)
Me: Do you want to go in his bedroom?
E: No….
Script: This is between us!!!
Me: Well, she doesn’t want to go, so she’s not going.
Self: Script, let me talk to you for a second.
Now E and I are outside on the patio and the next thing we hear is Script punch the wall and yell FUCK…. And says “Well, I want my money back for the liquor”… So now we are trying to figure out if we were “purchased” by Script from Self for a bottle of Bacardi….
At this point we make a break for it. Scurry out the door. We see a raccoon and Phia freaks out. (I guess they don’t have raccoons in New York). Anyway we run to the 7-11 next door.
At this point we are about to miss curfew. All the VC cuties know what I am talking about. So we call a cab and sit on the curb and wait… WhiteFolks rolls up with Script in the car and asks us if we want a ride. We say HELL NO….. And they dip.
Cab is soooo fuckin non-existent. Someone is gassing up and asks us if we want to go to his birthday party… E is like “How old are you?” I am like FUCK THIS.
Townies are laughing at us cuz the cab is never gonna come and I decide to fucking flag down a cab. We amazingly enough get one and share it with some other random fucking females. The cab driver lets us know that she used to attend Hampton, which makes me begin to question my educational institution of choice….
We get back to the dorm, sneak past the night attendant (our RA was not about room checks so we were straight) and we crash.
Next day we are telling the story, avoiding telling names (we dodge slander like we are pros….) and we recount it to one female…. And all of a sudden her face lights up…
“YOU WAS WITH SELF AND THEM!!! Damn. When me and amy kkicked it wit them all we got was beans and franks and weed….”
So I guess it could have been worse. Cuz at least we got no name champagne, Bacardi, Shrimp and Crab leg….
And valuable lessons were learned:
This is one of the many stories from possibly the most ignorant year of my life: 2001@ Hampton University.
There are a slew of ignorant stories: The “Patious” adventure, the Baked African American History final, the time I got my whole deck pulled in the Cafeteria and had to look at the ground, the time we hitched a ride in the Burger king drive thru to go to Norfolk, the time we went to convocations drunk, the 1st weekend that I didn't make it home, the 2101 Boyz adventures. The tales of Lefty, Angry, tha B-more Bamma, Rich guy and Dirty, the Yellow Pissy house and the infamous 5 dudes, 3 hrs, 1 chair story (No, nasty. It’s not what you think....)
But this story is one of the most significant because this was the first tine I learned the importance of getting peoples real names instead of just getting aliases.
It all started at the bookstore. Hampton took a lot of time warning us of the perils of outsiders. No one paused for the cause and warned us about the fuckin students. Phia, E and I meet self while we were gettin robbed of all of our money at the University bookstore. Self introduced himself to us and immediately we are like "Your name is Self?" to which he replies "Yeah, Self as in Yourself, Myself, Ourselves......."...
Red flags should have went up, but alas, we had yet to hone our bullshit radar so when Self invited us to his place for Moet mimosas and crab legs, our dumb asses say SURE! Sounds Great. We just have to let E change into her Moet mimosa outfit. Mind you, its 10 am on Bay Day. For those of you who didn't attend HU, Bay Day is (according to Kennda bear) the “Celebration of the first ships to the area. Slaves ships and other good shit...”
I digress. We get in the car straight bumpin Jada Kisses "Is we fuckin or what?" Yet another indication that shit is perhaps awry. We get to an apartment at god knows where. Thing about HU is that there were rules for freshman. No car, you have to live in a dorm, and you have a curfew. Had we had a car, there woulda been a lot less problems and retarded ass stories.
We get in the apartment and meet Self’s cousin Script, as in "Flip the script" and their driver (still confused about that one) WhiteFolks, named for the fact that he was the palest of the bunch. Off break shit is off and we were VERY naïve. They are trying to get E and I to lay on script and Self’s beds; respectively, to see if they were the same size.
Self has dubbed Phia lil sis and there is no champagne, no food, nothing.
Somehow I end up in self’s bedroom and he's telling me that he's a 5 Percenter and how we should take a trip to NY to go shopping for a week. I was like "Hold Up! What's in it for you?"
Self: I don’t wanna fuck you
Me: then what do you want?
Self: money
Me: I don't have any money.....
Self: not your money. The money niggas will give you.
Me: ARE YOU TRYIN TO PIMP ME?
Self: Naw. I'm just saying, if you wanna do that tho, that's what's up.
No, the fuck it ain’t.
Self and script got to get the Moet and the crab legs and leave WhiteFolks to watch us.
We have been there over half of the day and there is no indication that they are gonna let us leave anytime soon. I got cold so I ask WhiteFolks if I can use a blanket and he tells me sure, but not the comforter.
Me: Why?
WhiteFolks: Skeet Skeet on the sheet!
Me: OH DEAR GOD!!!!
At this point, we realized that we might never get out of there and not only that but, even if we did get out and some crazy shit had popped off, we would have no way to hold anyone accountable because we didn’t know anyones real name. So, we start snooping through everything to find everyone’s real names. Transcripts, class schedules and a few pieces of mail later and we had everyone’s real names, except WhiteFolks.
This whole situation escalated when we got the liquor…
Now, we were promised Moet mimosas and Crab legs. Self comes back with no name champagne, a bottle of Bacardi, a bag of shrimp and a crab leg. No joke. So we start drinking cuz at this point, what else is there for us to do?
And drunkenly, this conversation transpires…
Self: Do yall wanna hear some Patois?
Us: what the fuck is that?
Self: Its this shit Jamaicans speak
Us: Ok?
Self: MUSSSEEEE smellllls laiikk tha streeettss off Kingstan…
Us: Huh?
Self: MUSSSEEEE smellllls laiikk tha streeettss off Kingstan…
Us: Something smells like the streets of Kingston? What is MUSSSEEEE?
Self: Musssseeee is pussy.
Us: ok……
Self: I used to have this West Indian girl and she spoke to her parents on the phone and I picked that shit up.
My thoughts: How the fuck do you pick up “PUSSY SMELLS LIKE THE STREETS of Kingston” from conversations that she had with her parents…. And that either mean that Pussy smells awful, or that the streets of Kingston stink. Whatever…
Liquor is flowing at this point and I see E outside on the patio talking to Script…. For some reason Self is trying to keep me away from the patio door. Let me give you the layout of the apartment.
It took me a few seconds in my drunken ass state to realize that I needed to be outside on that patio too… So I maneuver around self’s drunk ass and see Script trying to pull E into his bedroom through the door…..and she is literally fucking clawing the wall trying not to get pulled inside.
I ask : What’s going on?
Script: This is between us. We going in my room to watch some TV
(Now, I am never one to cockblock so I turn to E.)
Me: Do you want to go in his bedroom?
E: No….
Script: This is between us!!!
Me: Well, she doesn’t want to go, so she’s not going.
Self: Script, let me talk to you for a second.
Now E and I are outside on the patio and the next thing we hear is Script punch the wall and yell FUCK…. And says “Well, I want my money back for the liquor”… So now we are trying to figure out if we were “purchased” by Script from Self for a bottle of Bacardi….
At this point we make a break for it. Scurry out the door. We see a raccoon and Phia freaks out. (I guess they don’t have raccoons in New York). Anyway we run to the 7-11 next door.
At this point we are about to miss curfew. All the VC cuties know what I am talking about. So we call a cab and sit on the curb and wait… WhiteFolks rolls up with Script in the car and asks us if we want a ride. We say HELL NO….. And they dip.
Cab is soooo fuckin non-existent. Someone is gassing up and asks us if we want to go to his birthday party… E is like “How old are you?” I am like FUCK THIS.
Townies are laughing at us cuz the cab is never gonna come and I decide to fucking flag down a cab. We amazingly enough get one and share it with some other random fucking females. The cab driver lets us know that she used to attend Hampton, which makes me begin to question my educational institution of choice….
We get back to the dorm, sneak past the night attendant (our RA was not about room checks so we were straight) and we crash.
Next day we are telling the story, avoiding telling names (we dodge slander like we are pros….) and we recount it to one female…. And all of a sudden her face lights up…
“YOU WAS WITH SELF AND THEM!!! Damn. When me and amy kkicked it wit them all we got was beans and franks and weed….”
So I guess it could have been worse. Cuz at least we got no name champagne, Bacardi, Shrimp and Crab leg….
And valuable lessons were learned:
- Whenever possible, drive your own car.
- VA is weird, cuz they celebrate things like the first slave ships entering their harbors
- Patois is merely people saying normal shit in a fucked up west Indian accent
- and ALWAYS GET PEOPLES REAL NAMES (cuz you can’t press charges on Self, Script and WhiteFolks)
Comments
Glad you made it safely and the homies picked up their game by the time they got to you. Shazzam!