I'm an Unserious Ass Bitch

 The team is reunited and I've never been happier. I have people from the various phases and ages of my life dating back 20 years. The least tenured is 6 months. They each speak to and understand a part of me and I feel complete. Not fully understood by any one of them but recognized and appreciated by each. It's strange but good. And as I feel more fulfilled, I am better able to accept and embrace compersion.  Everyone deserves to feel seen like I feel and I want this for them.

I did realize that I can no longer talk to anyone under 35. The divide is too vast and given my druthers I would prefer a man over 40. A little gray hair. Like a grown ass man. That's what I am into in my old age and I think the younger set thinks they are doing me a solid and I will put up with more bs because they are "young and hot" when in fact I am making concessions to deal with them at all.

In revisiting the tenured men, I  realized that I only really entertain men with commitment issues. The fuckgirl in me sees and recognizes the fuckboi in them. I date men who haven't actually cohabitated with a woman. Deeply unserious men. Men who later ask me why we never got serious. I am an unserious ass woman who fucks unserious ass men. What would we have done beyond waste each others time, pretending to be something we aren't. 

And I did this on purpose. I've been untangling my shit lately to realize that I actively picked men who were uninterested in commitment/marriage, etc. If they are unable to commit (monogamously) it means I didn't have to commit either but I can say " SEE! look! I was serious and he wasn't. I wanted to commit and he didn't" LMAO no I didn't. If I did, I would have chosen someone who wasn't wholly incapable of commitment and if I did that I would have to deal with my shit. Confront why I don't want to be monogamous my damn self.  

Being exclusively with any one of these people would be insufficient. It takes a village and I want them to all know that I want to growing these relationships and nurture them even though I do not want to be with just them. 

Now, in our old age, we  meet each other where we are. When we are together it is wonderful. Having had such history, we appreciate each other more. 

Surprisingly enough, I still see "Tuesday". Every Tuesday and Thursday. And it's cute.  It's been 6 months. New relationship energy has burned off and we are now comfortable.  I think at some point, ethically, I will need to break things off but for now we are both good. He always says that he doesn't miss people. That it takes him like a month to miss someone. I was on a work trip for a week and when I came back I said "you missed me." I just sensed it and he was like "yeah actually. I did." smh.

My gut tells me that I am the relationship equivalent of junk food for him and his goals will be subverted by that. I am easy. He doesn't have to change, grow or better himself. I don't care either way but I wouldn't consider him a serious candidate for partnership and truly do not know anyone my age who would. He owns 4 plates total. He doesn't own a vacuum or a car or a washing machine for that matter. These aren't deal breakers for me individually but all of them combined make me wary. Perhaps there is someone for everyone and my presence won't twat block him from his person but I do have reservations.

But overall, I am not his mother or mentor so if he wants to waste his childbearing years with me, I guess I'm fine with that. He should probably freeze some sperm though but once again, not his mother. I will continue to take him in stride because I am, at my core, an unserious ass bitch.

 An unserious ass bitch, entertaining unserious men and quite frankly, my schedule is full.