Diversifying My Dick Portfolio...

Today wasn’t quite horrible but it wasn’t good either….

So last night started off this snowball of aggravation.

Yesterday I wanted some. So I hit up "Plan A". He is my new (old) favorite and now has priority over all others. In cases of overbooking, even a last minute appointment from him will trump all previous engagements.

We are sleuthing out the possibility and logistics of fulfilling my one and only fantasy. It involves at least 3 people and careful placement of body parts, which is why it is so complicated. Essentially, either the 3rd person has to be a female or the 3rd person is a bisexual male which is a deal breaker for "Plan A". It's tricky, which is why I've never been able to get it done.

Back to the drawing board, I guess... anyway.

His schedule was tight and so was mine. I was supposed to be somewhere after work and it just didn't seem feasible. So I defaulted to "Plan B". Plan B was lookin flaky, taking too long to return texts, etc. so I said "fuck it" because I figured that there would be plenty of Plan C-Z's at the function later anyway. Much to my surprise, I got a call from "Plan A" stating that he would meet me at my place before the event. Good shit.

SO I head home, get in the door about 5 minutes before he gets there. I get this weird text from The angry guy who needed bail and shit.

It read:

Don't txt or call my phone anymore. that's fucked up what you did. I'm done with u & stop looking dumb while you read this cause u just got Punked! Lol

Now when I started reading this, I was alil relieved. I was glad that we were on the same page. He didn't want me to call anymore and I didn't ever want to talk to him again... Win/Win.... You can imagine my dismay as I read that it was a joke. sadface.....

"Plan A" arrived so I let him in, hop in the shower and then we... well, you know...

So I hop back in the shower and then talk to my dad online for a little bit. Miscommunication lead to me just staying the fuck home from the event anyway, plus I'd just gotten Mortal Kombat in the mail and any action flick with a throbbing techno soundtrack beats leaving my house any day. Then roomie came home with 2 gifts. One was "Forgetting Sarah Marshall", which I adore.

The other... The other was "Killa Season":


Full embedded film.... Watch it so that I don't have to suffer alone.

I have to watch "Killa Season" as punishment for making him rent
House Party 4: Down to the Last Minute. (At least it had Megan Goode in it. DAMN!)

We curl up to watch "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" before I resigned myself to sleepy land....

I think "Plan B" might have been at the event I skipped because, though I was willingly offering pussy earlier, he waited until 1:30 am to text me with "What are you doing?"

Veto. And dismissed. He will now forever be double booked and will always be bumped should anything else arise. Always. I hate fluke penis and this is how I punish unreliable penile delivery. Dick should be like Papa John's. Delivered piping hot in 20 minutes or less replete with a motherfuckin two liter.

Wake up in the morning, quite unenthused but figure fuck it and head off to work. I was on the bus, about half way there, when the bus hit a Taurus. I have actually developed a strong distaste for Taurus's. I feel this is earned. I drove one for about 6 years. Nice pick up but I looked like I was driving a purple turd. So at this point, I get off and start walking to the nearest metro. By the time I get there, another bus is pulling up so I get on.

That is like 3 accidents in the last 3 months. That is ridiculous. I'm bout to give up and just start walking.

I get to work. There is NO CAFFEINATED Coffee in the whole office and they let me know that I have to fucking go pick up some shit. I realize that I might be headed on a unicorn meat adventure. It actually calmed me down alil to get the fuck out of the office.

Somewhere toward the middle of the day, I am trying not to bitch slap people and I am wondering mundane shit, that is making its way into my facebook statuses...

Such as "Netta is sure that it isn’t nice to call someone a syphilitic whore, but like if I were to call someone that… Would it really be that bad??

At this point, I was just in a "for no good reason" foul mood that made me want to slap people, call them names, throw shit and set fires. I'm feeling real vengeful and hateful like and Im running round quotin "The Color Purple" for no reason.
For example:

• Until you do right by me, everything you even think about gonna fail!

Truer words were never spoken. I been in a hateful mood all day and I got a few choice folks that iffin I ran into I'd do one of the following:

1. Throw somethin at they head.
   
2. Spit on them.
   
3. Set them on fire.
   

I guess the course of action would depend on what was goin on and whether I had some type of accelerant on me (ie. Liquor, gasoline, etc) to assist in my arsonin.

Today made me realize that:

1. At least once a week, I do not want to go to work. AT ALL.
   
2. I need to diversify my dick portfolio. "Plan A" is great but "Plan A" cannot give me his penis so that I can put it in my pocket and wander with it. Plan B is fluke. Plan C asked me for bail and Plan D doesn't eat pussy so I refuse to be bothered....
   
3. Mortal Kombat is great... But not as great as Big Trouble in Little China. I surely need to go home and thats what Im fixin to do. Imma go home and watch "Big Trouble in Little China". That dude who played Rain coulda got it. Real talk....