My exes are like herpes..... (aka Penile Recidivism)

My exes are like herpes.....
No, they don't have herpes. And no, I don't have herpes... But they are like herpes. Just because you haven't seen it in a while, doesn't mean that it's gone. Them motherfuckers are merely lying dormant and they will pop up again. Outbreak style!

I have a handful of guidelines to assist me in keepin it short/ sweet and not crazy:

• The 3 month rule.
  I am thoroughly about a 3 month Probationary period for all incoming dicks, though it has been brought to my attention that perhaps the 3 month timeframe is discriminatory against men. Maybe 3 months isn’t long enough for them to figure out how they feel about a situation, which would explain my high recidivism rate.
  
  Personally, I think the 3 month rule is great. It essentially says, "We have fun for 3 months, but at the end of that 3rd month, we are either going somewhere or we aren’t. If we are going somewhere, then that is great. If not it’s time to shit or get off the pot and I got to go."
  
  I don't like wasting my time and I don't enjoy meandering in pointless, drawn out situations. I'd rather move on and seek penis elsewhere.
  
  The 3 month rule is mutually beneficial. I believe strongly in cutting off things before we get to the point of no return. The point of no return is that fine line. On one side is us, happy with good type relations betwixt us. On the other side is me pissed and arson....
  
  Think of it like this: Say we are going down the path toward a blissful future. Same goals in mind until "Thud". The 3month point hits and you realize that it's now or never. Commitment phobia sets in and you decide that you want to redefine the path and that redefined path looks like this: Sex, Time together, Sexual exclusivity, and Talkin and shit but you don't want a relationship...
  
  
  
  SCREEECHHH! Hole Tha Fuck up!
  
  Naw. I'm good. That's straight bamboozlement.
  
  That is a half assed attempt to skirt around the 3 month rule and its bullshit because its a lie. It lets us wander around with the illusion of a relationship without the title, which eventually leads to a devolving of the sexual exclusivity (cuz why bother not fucking other people when neither title nor position require you to do so). Having seen this 1st, 2nd and 3rd hand throughout the years and having seen and heard the outcome, it all boils down to the inevitable. Man starts swinging his dick at anything that moves. Female gets upset, but eventually comes to the conclusion that, due to the fact that they were never together, she can't really be mad.
  
  It's like that line from The Usual Suspects - "The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."
  
  Bitch... you done bamboozled yourself. You were headed distinctly down a path that you liked and were comfortable with and the next thing you know, he pulls an okeydoke. Now you wandering down a shitty dirt road, shoeless and squinting cuz you think you see a light at the end of this shit. Don't be simple. Them ain't lights hoe. Thems is fireflies and ain’t nothin ahead of you but more bullshit.
  
  Bamboozlement = Bullshit and Bullshit eventually = the possibility of arson...
  
  The 3 month rule saves lives.
  
  
• I don't like to keep friends with old penises.
  
  This is a simple one. If you used to put dick in me and you no longer put dick in me, you don't get to continue to put dick in me and we ain't chillin and shit cuz if you used to put dick in me and you don't any longer, I need someone new to put dick in me and keeping you around under the guise of "friendship" is a hindrance to my overall goals.
  
  
• Men are like shoes.
  
  You try them on. Sometimes you'll squeeze your toe into one that doesn't quite fit because its just so pretty that you can't resist. You can only do that so many times or you'll get blisters. Find a shoe that makes you happy, even if no one else likes them and make sure they're comfortable. And don't settle for "Bargain" shoes either. This ain't Payless. There's a reason that Jimmy Choo ain’t constantly having no Buy one Get one free sale. It's a matter of quality vs. quantity.
  
  
  
  
• Dick lies.
  
  Dick is the mischievous sidekick of man. Sometimes Dick will get a man into trouble and on rare occasions, Dick has kept a man out of trouble.
  
  From that 1st kiss on, dick lies. Dick starts makin promises it can't keep and these promises are relayed through his best friend "Man's" mouth.... Cyrano de Bergerac style.
  
  Lies about how he'll last all night, is hard as a rock, strokes faster than a speeding bullet. Dick seems to describe itself as if it were Superman, when really Dick is merely Clark Kent. I enter into everything with a hopeful, yet realistic perspective. Not everyone can be the "Best I Ever Had". There can only be one best and I'm pretty sure that that record has been held by the same person for a couple of years now.
  
  
• Always aim to Fuck Dimes.
  Even if doesn't work out, at least you got to fuck a dime. I don’t just mean dime in terms of looks.
  
  Think about it in terms of, say "Attraction Distribution" with a 10 point scale based on various traits but never equaling to more than 10.
  
  Likability could be worth 2 points.
  Dick = 3
  Personality = 2
  Looks = 3
  
  That's a dime. (Please note: The score for "Like" can never be greater than the score for dick because if your dick doesn't work, I already like you less.)
  
  This system is flexible. Say you score an 8 on looks and a 2 on Dick. Still equals 10.
  
  But it better end up around 10 or somethin ain’t right.
  
  
• As a general rule I don't do the following:
  
  
  1. Catholics
     Honestly, the guilt factor is too much for me. Even lapsed Catholics seem to harbor a shitload of sexual hangups. I like my sex alil bit out of the box. Beating women ain’t cool but you fo sho can choke me, so long as you kiss me while you do it.... That's Foreplay round my way... Leave the guilt and yo draws at the door and if you are planning on having some kinda existential crisis after the fact, kindly have it on the way to your car. Guilt reeks and I don't want the stench of it tainting my sheets.
     
     
  2. Virgins
     Ill experiment but I don't teach. The skills you came into my bedroom with are likely the skills you are leaving with. Sorry. Plus, if you had good sense, you would never try and lose your virginity to me. I am an unforgiving bitch in the bedroom.
     
     
  3. People just coming out of a stint of abstinence or celibacy.
     Normally people decide to avoid sex because of some deep held belief/conviction or they just needed to sort some shit out. I feel strongly that if you needed to avoid contact with genitalia to figure some shit out and you came to the conclusion that you should break this "sex fast" with me... you apparently didn't learn a motherfucking thing. As I said before, I am a bitch in the bedroom.
  
  
  
• You have to eat Pussy.
  If you tell me you don't eat pussy....
  
  My reaction is as follows:
  Pause.
  Skeptical look.
  Raise in decibel level.
  Loudly exclaim "FUCK you mean you don’t eat pussy.... Uh uh, you got to go."
  
  The other common reaction:
  Blank stare.
  Loudly exclaim "It's just pussy! Man tha fuck up! It's 2009" while simultaneously pushing their head down with both hands....
  
  
• I don’t like any of the following questions:
  
  
  1. Why you playing hard to get?
     I'm not playing. I just happen to be difficult and when you imply that this is an act or some kind of carefully constructed ruse just to confuse and frustrate you, it annoys me.
     
     
  2. Why don't u have a boyfriend?
     Because I've been lost in the world just waiting for you to pop in my life. Thank god you finally arrived. What took you so long?
     
     
  3. Where are my grandbabies?
     Dear Mom....
     They ain’t comin. Not no time soon. Not unless there’s a lot of tequila and a serious lapse of judgment. I don't even have any potential baby daddies, none the less real actual options. Fail, Ma... You fail.
     
     
  4. Don't you ever want to a) settle down, b) be monogamous, c) get married?
     One day. Wit the right person... Or people. You never know.

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ON A PERSONAL NOTE!
I just started the process of talking to someone new. He lives in Richmond. Apparently I dislike things that are local. Think about it. First it was Chicago, and then it was NY, now Richmond. But like my home girl pointed out, we getting closer. Next thing you know, I'll find someone in Waldorf. Upgrade!

If you look at it, Richmond is damn near the perfect distance. It’s a nice lil weekend getaway and honestly, I will never need anything that is closer than 100 miles from me. I wilt under constant attention.


I love new shit and he (and this) are most definitely new. It's refreshing and with all of the hectic ass shit at work, please believe, he and my family are the only reason I don't shut my phone off. His A.M. texts make my morning. New shit always makes me think about this song.


I’m a sap for the possibility of it all…