Ten days into 2008 and I’m takin stock of shit.

Ten days into 2008 and I’m takin stock of shit.

Please note the following:

• If you don’t eat pussy, I just deleted you from my phone. Dead ass serious. I called a dude I hadn’t seen in a minute to see if he had gotten his shit together. He hadn’t. Erased. (sidenote- he just called. We covered the new rule… he does not get grandfathered in. Boo. No)
  
  Its fucking 2008. Not eating ass…. I understand. Not being into Golden showers…That’s fucking fine with me. But… What The Fuck You mean you don’t eat pussy. They still make you? Oh hell naw. This is Bullshit. Im about to start pulling rude type moves and pushin dudes heads down there. Aint got shit to lose so fuck it.
  
  (There are two exceptions to this rule and they know who they are.….No, not you…. Not you either… you. Yes you. You are so good at what you do, you get a pussy eating waiver. You’re that good.)
  
  
• Sleepovers. I do not want to sleep over your place. I am a pro at making it home at night. As of late, I have been treating my place like the BatCave. If you don’t already know where I live, you probably never will. I live in a studio. The last thing I want is your body heat raising the temperature in my ONE room, with you, laying around breathing and sweating in my motherfucking crib. No No No. Veto.
  
• My New Car. There are no liquids allowed in my car. No food, and ABSOLUTELY NO REPRODUCTIVE FLUID. It is 2008. I am grown. I pay rent. We will never fuck in my car. Or any car for that matter. That shit is not kinky. Its juvenile. That’s some throwback 1998 shit.
  
• Any activity that fucks up my hair. That hot ass breathing… that heavy breath shit. I have this slick move where I move my hair to the other side and ALWAYS yall motherfuckers switch sides too. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

• Fake slick moves. Guys…. When you go down and then do that “lick the inner thigh” move to get stray hairs out of your mouth… I know what your doing. I don’t appreciate it. Stop. Please. I’d rather you take a breather for a second and just pluck the single fucking hair off of your tongue. It’s understandable. I wouldn’t want a hair in my throat either. But I surely don’t want a wet ass slick down my motherfuckin inner thigh. Damn.

• Nipple play. I don’t understand dudes who want their nipples played with. I am declining in the future to indulge nipple fetishes. Please don’t ask.

• The quick bust.- Stroke, stroke, stroke, bust? In the past I have been polite, understanding, gently encouraging….. No. its 2008. I’m clowning from here on out. Straight clowning . You know how many longevity products are on the market? Go to CVS and cop some Mandelay. That quick shit is a waste of the gift that is moist vagina.

• Dudes who aint got their own. Are you over 22? Do you live with your parents? Still don’t own a car? Hanging with your mans and them that have dough but you don’t got your own? Are you perhaps a scrub? Naw.
  
  

  Like Nas said:
  
  How you a man waitin' for the next man to get rich?
  Yo' plan is to stick out yo' hand real quick
  So if he feed ya family and
  he serve you shit
  Then he need that head you get and he deserve ya bitch
  
  

  
  It’s a sad shame and not a damn thing to be proud of. Man up and get your own in this world.
• Feelings and shit. Everyone always wants to act like I don’t got feelings…. I got mad feelings, yo! I wear my heart on my sleeve…. Only thing is, sometimes I have the sense to hang up that shirt and switch to a beater instead.
  
  I have 2 different phases I go through a month. You get about 1week of estrogen…. Feelings and shit. 1 week of a mix of feelings and no feelings. Those other 2 weeks are straight testosterone. All I wanna do is grip my non existent nuts, throw singles at strippers and smoke Black & Milds. I don’t do these things all day cuz I work, but you’re only gonna get but so much feeling out of me in those 2 weeks. My testosterone weeks are real selfish. I won’t call you, I don’t care how you feel and I personally feel quite swaggerific and brolic.
  
  You can’t tell me shit during these two weeks and I will do the BARE emotional minimum to make you happy and keep you from feeling insecure.
  
  “No, you don’t look fat in that outfit.”
  
  “Yes, you’re handsome”.
  
  You won’t get an “I love you” but if you say it to me, you’ll probably get a “Ditto” in return. Sorry. That’s just how I am.

During testosterone time, I am definitely not a fucking mind reader. If something is on your mind, tell me. If you are upset, Imma need you to spell that shit out so we can reach a resolution, cuz during testosterone time I am incredibly results driven and solution oriented. Just tell me and we’ll work that shit out like Tae Bo.

I got feelings and shit. I just don’t let em bitch me. And I always know that I can drop your ass like a bad habit. I’m real good at walking away. Once I find someone I can’t walk away from, I’m settling down. Until then, Two tears in a bucket…Fuck it.


Can you tell which week we’re in right now? Seriously.