The Good, the Bad & the Semi-Literate

Weight loss tips...Short term use only.... (The Charles Sagas 9.19.06) This is a part of the Charles Sagas (Dedicated to my ex. I told him "I'm going to write a fucking book about you and call it the Charles Sagas and be rich off calling you an asshole..." Well it's not a book and I'm not getting paid but its close enough.) People periodically ask me "How do you lose weight?" Step one is to count calories… its not rocket science. Expend more than you intake and you will lose weight. Simple math. But if that doesn't seem like something your into, I do have an alternative. DATE A TRIFLIN MAN No, seriously. This works every time and its free. Date a shitty man. Date a man that lies and betrays you. date a man who is juvenile and self absorbed. Depending on how much you want to lose, this shit can be really effective. I would not, however, recommend dating them for over a year as studies have show that overuse can lead to severe liver and kidney damage. ...

7:30 am. My phone rings. Im thinking its work… possibly telling me it’s a snow day (YAY!) or that the office has burned down but they still intend on paying me regularly anyway (Double yay!) …. No such luck. Me: Hello? Unidentified Caller: Hey Jeanetta. Me: Hey, Who’s this? Unidentified Caller: Eric (name has ofcourse been changed) . We met at The Park. Me: (Im a lil slow in the morning) Which Park? Eric: THE PARK. The club. Me: OHHHH! The Park. (That name is fucking confusing. My ass is thinkin Sligo Creek Park, Rock Creek Park, 106 and Park, What tha hell) . Hey Whats up!!! Eric: Chillin. Im in your neighborhood and me and my boys are throwing a party. Wanted to know if you wanted to come. Me: Sure (I do love to party!) . When? Eric: Right now….. Me: What tha fuck? Eric: I work at a club… I don’t have to be back until 8. Me: Well, Damn! Though I do love to party, I have to be to work in an hour. So I have to pass but hit me up later. Don’t do Coke! Love Ya, buh-bye! N...

A brief synopsis of my knowledge of the 20th century…. Please note: I am in the process of moving all my shit over to Blogspot.com. Old myspace blogs and the Facebook ones. I am still trying to work out the kinks with the XML and the overall look, feel and aesthetics.... Yall know I'm picky. Stick with me. I will soon be blogging there exclusively (sorry for the inconvenience) but it will look hotter and be easy to access... Thanks!!! In high school, rather than studying for history tests, I used to do quick lunch time polls. I’d run around to anyone in a grade higher than mine and ask for a synopsis of whatever topic the test was on…… Like this: “Pop Quiz!!!: Tell me everything you know about the Korean War!” Which invariably produces wonderful answers like “Didn’t that shit happen in Japan?” Mensa Candidates these motherfuckers were not. Amazingly enough, I graduated and I assumed that these motherfuckers eventually did as well…… But all of this has left me with truncated versi...

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The only 2 Reasons (in my mind) as to why he didn’t call Let me preface this by stating that this is most likely that testosterone time of the month. As such, I have little sympathy and even less patience. Into every life, some bitchyness must fall I guess. Last Sunday I went to very interesting networking event in Atlanta. Its called Sushi Sundays and if your interested in attending one, Check out the website - www.sushisundays.com.The sushi’s free, the liquor isn’t and it’s a once a month event in Atlanta for Black up and coming individuals. Anyway, I attended with my mother and met quite a few interesting characters, got more than a little tipsy and exchanged business cards and phone numbers with people who I wanted to keep in touch with. Toward the end of the evening, “Becky” (the names have been changed to protect those who are innocently being play) who had been lamenting about why her “kinda sorta not really boyfriend (but it’s not official yet)” hadn’t called her all day, aske...

Shit I learned today while the private side was down: Eve is sick. Bring her juice You can only waste so much time surfing the internet before you wish you had real work to do If I had a shit load of money and no sane friends, my life would probably look a lot like Britney Spear’s, expect I never would have married Kevin (you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife Wtf) “Big trouble in little Chinatown” was by far the best thing to come out of the 80’s, ever! When I get home, I’m gonna plant this garden thing that I bought. I will grow herbs and simultaneously learn patience. When I don’t have shit else to do, my default is apparently shopping I need a new vaccum and a hamper. I also do not know how to spell vaccum. Is it 2 c’s or 2 u’s or maybe even 2 m’s? I don’t know I passed out at 10 pm last night. Missed the eclipse and still woke up sleepy. Booo! Clinton should run for president and Obama should be her running mate. No one is going to murder the Woman president if they know t...

Forever I Love Atlanta... Gotta love the A! Not saying there ain't good shit in DC. But damn ATL! Step off the plane 40-degree weather- not half bad considerin its cold as balls in DC. Listening to 8ball and MJG ~“Don’t want drama”. Buss a nigga head, smack a ho, shoot the club up Buss a nigga head, smack a ho, shoot the club up Bitch...nigga!!! Bitch...nigga!!! Bitch...nigga!!! Bitch.. You don't want drama, no! You don't want none, no! You don't want drama, no! You don't want none, no! Waved goodbye to the Elvis impersonator on my plane. I love the south. Insurrections, 24 hr porn store, competitive hard working strippers, and strip malls all over like a huge version of Glenmont. Best of all, smoking in designated areas of the airport. Not that I started again, I just love the fact that the south refuses to give up its rights. Any of them. And the overt racism is to be commended. It’s like at any moment somebody white might call a grown ass black man “boy” and haul...

A Nice guy that likes to fuck a lot (AA and always wearin panty drawz) First off, I gotta say I love Angie Martinez. I bought her album cuz I thought she was hot and I wanted to wife her. Still pissed that one of the Dru Hill dudes snatched my girl. Lyrically her album was garbage, on the real but whatever, I’ve bought worse. One of the tracks on her “Up Close and Personal” really caught me. It’s called “No Playaz” and the chorus goes a lil something like this: Even though you got no money Other chicks be actin funny It don't matter boy cuz I got love for you (a nice guy that like to fuck alot) I'm so tired of all these playaz And I don't mean to be a hater But I know just what I'm lookin for (a nice guy that like to fuck alot) I think most women, and some men are looking for this. Truer lyrics were never written except perhaps the lyrics to “Ten Crack Commandments”. Fuck it, I digress. My ex and I got into an argument about Valentines Day. He was mad cuz I forgot what ...

I got snitched on cuz I didn’t vote this morning. Shit, I have some reasoning behind the fact that i didn't vote. Here’s my logic. I am gonna vote for whomever gets the democratic nomination anyway. Say the chosen candidate turns out to be evil, like Hitler evil. Like Martin Sheen in the Dead Zone evil. If this was who I backed in the primaries, I would feel way guiltier, but if I didn’t vote in the primaries, I could just blame those who did. Also, im lazy and I didn’t get in my request for absentee ballots early enough. I have never had to vote at a poll. Shit. Whatever. It’s only like a block from my apartment. For your amusement: The History of Suffrage. History of suffrage in the United States In the United States, suffrage is determined by the separate states, not federally. There is no national "right to vote". The states and the people have changed the U.S. Constitution five times to disallow states from limiting suffrage, thereby expanding it. 15th Amendment (187...

Lesbian (bad poetry… in couplets.) Inspired by the hoe on Maury who fucked her sister’s husband and his first cousin and then swore off men to date women. Just because you hate men, Doesn’t make you a lesbian. Just because men lied to you, Doesn’t mean that women don’t lie too. Sick of women turning from dick With hurt feelings running to some chick. You are bisexual at best You can’t pass the lesbian test. You just mad cuz he made you cry. So you wave dick goodbye. Stop fucking dudes who aint shit You know you need to just quit Got him fuckin up your credit, eatin your food. Getting surprised when he act all rude. He is trifling And yet you still cling You get tired of being used Sick of being abused. So you run from Joe to Jane That shit is all in vain Cuz she’ll fuck up your credit just the same Have you talking bout feelings, that’s just lame So you get mad again and leave her too Looking for some shit that’s true. Bitch, you need to go find you. Quit waiting to exhale, That shit i...

Fuck Income Taxes (Imma end up on a terrorist watch list 4 this) This is probably gonna get me on one of those terrorist lists…… Feelin Ass raped by the federal fucking government. How the fuck you gonna penalize me for working? You bastards have been rapin my check since I was 14. WHAT THE FUCK? And additionally I get penalized for being single and without children. Yall have some fucking nerve. I should get a fucking bonus, damn it! Seriously. When I have kids, I’m gonna rape the system for a change. WIC, EBT, you name it, Imma cash in. Be fucking mad when I’m swiping that EBT card for lobster tails and Filet Mignon. I give not a damn. I don’t even eat meat. Imma buy a dog and then feed that shit to him! At this point I feel more than a little bit owed and if I could just wander through the Federal Government and shoplift shit (staplers, pencils, rolls of tape) I so fucking would! But alas I cannot so Imma do what I gotta do. Social fucking security is not gonna be there for me when...

Now I’m all for fuckin progress and shit..... Okay watching the news...... Blah blah blah, progress. Blah, blah, blah, bi-county plans (I like community planning... that’s cool.) Okay, so PG and Mo County are fixing that fucked up New Hampshire Ave, University Ave area...Putting in a purple line (okay, yall been talking about it for like 7 years. Make that shit happen already.) I can track a good deal of my teen delinquency back to this area. The party I crashed on New Hampshire Ave. just to realize that I wasn’t crashin cuz I actually knew the chick (then she called the cops on her own b-day party). That was a good ass party. Glad I didn’t get arrested. Having people buy me cigarettes at the 7-11. The ice cream place in the shopping center. That Sally Hanson’s Beauty supply store. I even took driving school at Takoma Academy. Going to Cabarets down the street. Getting a Salvation Army chair for my God Sister and throwing it in her trunk, driving really slow in the Saturn, trying not t...

Reasons why I shouldn’t fuck your man. It should be clear that there are numerous reasons why you shouldn’t fuck someone else’s man. These reasons have not always been clear to me, but with age comes wisdom so I figured Id give this a shot. Reasons I shouldn’t fuck your man: Your man’s a whore: No offense to you or your man but he follows his dick wherever it takes him and if it has strayed in my direction, it has strayed in god knows how many other directions as well. Your man lacks moral fiber: He is a cheater. When confronted he will probably lie about it rather than manning the fuck up and admitting he was wrong. This is because he is a coward who lacks gohardness…. Karmas a bitch: Its not your fault that your man is a whore. As such, I have nothing against you and should avoid bad karma whenever possible and spare you pain by not fucking your man. It’s wrong: Its just plain morally wrong for me to smash your man knowing damn well about you, and yall. Shit, sometimes I even met you...

Dear Mr. Joe DC. In your Nike boots, with your North Face on….. I know you put mumbo sauce on your eggs. You’re just that DC. That’s how you roll. Your endless sicin of the shit that occurs around you. Your varying moods, from boosted to blown when your bun has carried you. She is Ji Phat tho…. Not that you’re pressed or anything but perhaps yall can work it out. Or perhaps she will jone on you and you will kirk out. Avoid confrontation, Joe DC. She do be rockin them short ass skirts. A Bamma might try and roll up on her and you might have to still some youngin in his Jaw. But I know that tomorrow, you and she will smoke a jack and spend time lunchin out over it and it will be Ok, Joe DC. With your everlasting love of GoGo, Raheem Devaughn, Wale and Trey Songz. With your hatred of Bammas. Your participation in the DC Carnival, and Howard homecoming regardless of whether you ever attended college or not. You die hard Redskins fan, you! You hater of the Cowgirls! I salute you, Joe DC. ...

The Trifecta of Unholy Beverages (aka Fuck Cisco) Friday Night I was hanging out at Tiffany’s, with Clyde (aka Mr. "A gun is like a condom. Better to have too many and have extras than to be short when some shit pops off"), Clyde’s Sister, Pierre and Pierre’s boyfriend. Clyde and I got into a heated argument about Open Container Laws. He said they didn’t exist and that he could drink where he wanted. I agreed that he could drink wherever he wanted, but the police could also arrest him for it. He said I made up open container laws and I let him know that I don’t spend my free time making up shit to piss him off. For some reason, we decided to take it back to 1999 and drink Cisco. This sounded good, especially with Clyde going “It’s alright. It’s peach. It’s mad fruity.” It wasn’t. My good sense left me and I sat around drinking Cisco like I was 16 again. Then I got a headache off that shit. I forgot why I don’t drink that shit. Now I remember. I have a rule about liquor. I DO ...

Ten days into 2008 and I’m takin stock of shit. Please note the following: If you don’t eat pussy, I just deleted you from my phone. Dead ass serious. I called a dude I hadn’t seen in a minute to see if he had gotten his shit together. He hadn’t. Erased. (sidenote- he just called. We covered the new rule… he does not get grandfathered in. Boo. No) Its fucking 2008. Not eating ass…. I understand. Not being into Golden showers…That’s fucking fine with me. But… What The Fuck You mean you don’t eat pussy. They still make you? Oh hell naw. This is Bullshit. Im about to start pulling rude type moves and pushin dudes heads down there. Aint got shit to lose so fuck it. (There are two exceptions to this rule and they know who they are.….No, not you…. Not you either… you. Yes you. You are so good at what you do, you get a pussy eating waiver. You’re that good.) Sleepovers. I do not want to sleep over your place. I am a pro at making it home at night. As of late, I have been treating my place li...

Damn you and your untimely penis deliveries….. About a year ago, I ordered penis. I ordered penis, to be delivered in 20 minutes or less with a two liter and bread sticks. I received my delivery in 30 minutes; got my 2 liter and a bag of chips… it was a lil late for bread sticks….. Not too shabby if I do say so myself. They deliver groceries, medications, and all varieties of takeout food, so why the fuck can’t there be a 24hr penis delivery service. I mean, I understand that the 24 hr thing might be an issue. But there’s Viagra and I’m sure they could charge a night differential or something. At Hampton, I attempted to start a stripping/escorting service utilizing the football and basketball teams (pretty sure this was a spinoff idea that came out of my conversation with the pimp who tried to convince me not to go to college). This was ingenious. It’s like they had purchasing in mind when they made up sports. Peep this shit: They are all some type of fit, whether we are just talking a...

Two pounds of Unicorn Meat- well done. (aka Killa Summer) I have this phrase I use at work when someone asks me to do the impossible. I call it “Unicorn Meat”. Essentially someone will go “Jeanetta, I need XYZ”. I know full well that XYZ does not exist, never did and probably never will. So instead of hearing “Jeanetta, I need XYZ”, I hear “Jeanetta, I need 2 pounds of Unicorn Meat.” To which I reply “Unicorns are mythical creatures and therefore it is impossible for me to supply you with Unicorn Meat.” They proceed with “Jeanetta, not only do I NEED 2 pounds of Unicorn Meat, but I want it well done, drizzled in truffle oil.” And I go “I cannot get Unicorn Meat as it never existed in the first place but I DO have this Deer Meat sprinkled with glitter and I’m sure I can scrounge up some truffle oil.” As they wander off they yell back “So, just give me a call when the Unicorn Meat is ready….” And off I go to try and make miracles. *********************************************************...

Fucked up shit that turns me off. (aka reading is Fundamental) These are a few random things that make me dry (sorry to be so crass) I fucking hate it when people misspell shit. It drives me nuts. Occasional misspellings are okay but repeat offenders…. Misspelled words are a turnoff. Whatever. Foxfire has built in spell check. Damn. Use it. Using the wrong homophone. “I am board.” “Why must he stair at me?” “The diamond was two carrots.” Ewww. I’m sorry but this annoys the shit out of me. Basic spelling and grammar have a huge impact on my libido. Whenever someone insists that they want to “Conversate” with me. Stop. Please. No really. Stop. You’re killing me. When I ask “do you read?” and you respond with “I CAN read.” I was not inquiring as to your ability to read. I was inquiring as to the likelihood with which you would actually choose to pick up things other than hip-hop magazines and feed your brain. Non fiction, fiction, inspirational, whatever. When the only reading materials i...

Why I absolutely fucking refuse to buy prophylactics! (a few days old but i figured out something so here it is.) He has the right idea... In high school, I was the condom queen. I proudly bought condoms and encouraged every woman I knew to do the same. We shouldn’t have to rely on Men to provide our condoms. That gives them all the power and control that we should be utilizing in the interest of our own safety. I am turning 25 in a few days and though this might be apparent, let me enlighten you on a few facts. 1. I am a grown up with a job. – as such, I should not be having sex with people who lack regular income coming in. 2. I DO NOT HAVE A PENIS. It seems to me that if you have a penis and a job you should have condoms. I ain’t buying em. You don’t see me askin you to chip in on Yasmin, do you? FUCK NO! Years of buying condoms have shown me that yall are ungrateful walking erections. I have learned these things. That. 1. If I buy them, yall get used to that shit. Yall stop coming ...

The Wizard of Oz. The story goes that I was conceived during the Wizard of Oz. At least that’s what my mother says. My father whole heartedly disagrees and thinks my mother is confused. No surprise there. I digress. My mother claims that I was conceived during the Wizard of Oz, in a hotel room. Who has sex while the Wizard of Oz is on? There is nothing conventionally hot about that movie. Unless you have a shoe fetish, a thing for little people or a fantasy involving people dressed up in furry animal costumes I cant see getting it on to this movie. When I was a kid, I had an abnormal fixation with the Wizard of Oz. I watched it all the time, acted out scenes. I think I even had an outfit (I was a girly girl, I actually started wearing makeup in elementary school). I wonder now if my strange obsession with this movie revolved around the fact that I was conceived (according to my mother) during this movie, or the fact that I kinda had a thing for Dorothy. Something about gingham apron dr...

My emergency plan in case “Terror” pops off Everyone needs a contingency plan in case of Terror (by Terror, I mean a terrorist attack of some kind.) My emergency plan in case “Terror” pops off is: 1. Terror will pop, I will be sufficiently terrified. 2. I will call Mr. Bigelow. We work in the same neighborhood. 3. I will ask him to meet me at Ozio’s. 4. We will get drunk while demanding discounts on drinks (because we aren't all Americans? and how can Ozio’s be so concerned with capitalist ideals at a time like this? and isn’t capitalism part of the problem and not the solution.?) 5. We will be kicked out of Ozio’s. 6. We will wander over to 1223 and get Drunker. Hype will fall down and I will engage in torrid conversations with the bouncers. 7. If we are not too drunk, we will go to Steve’s bar room. I will encourage Hype to pole dance while I wave around a single dollar bill that I bummed off of the closest gentleman in proximity to me. 8. Hype will fall down again. 9. I will cur...

Awkward naked man. I will try to recount this exactly as it occurred as it was over a year ago yet still creeps me out. I was at this guys crib chillin. We were still in the early stages of getting acquainted. We are watching TV and all of a sudden he says he’s hot. It was warm so I thought nothing of this. He then asked me if I would like to take a shower, cuz it was hot. I said, thanks but um no thanks. I am starting to realize that something is off, but I need to find a cordial way of exiting this situation because I have learned that being abrupt with crazy people is not the best idea. They startle easy. So ANM (Awkward Naked Man) comes out of the bathroom, butt ass naked. He seemed nervous like “Is this going to work?” The fact is, if you are going to do something like that you have to be bold. Be naked and confident. That confidence in the right situation might have worked. In this situation, it did not. He gives me this unsure look as if to say “We good?” like imma give him a th...

Okay, I’m going to the dark side. I need to go to Michaels so I can buy a picture frame. I gotta go to UPS and USPS and Target and Safeway. Falls Church is the closest place for all this shit. If you know me you know I hate VA. I hate Commonwealths cuz Commonwealths hate on me: Commonwealths by definition are: a group of sovereign states and their dependencies associated by their own choice and linked with common objectives and interests. VA’s objectives and interests seem to revolve around Hating. Hating on me getting both drunk and laid. Hate example Number 1: ABC liquor. If you went to Hampton perhaps you can feel my pain. Imagine you are 18 with no car, limited resources and no id. ABC closes at 9pm. If you haven't scrounged up cash, a ride and a dumb male with ID by 7:45, you probably ain’t drinking. I’m independent. I like to get my drink and then leave dumb dude and his mans and them so I can drink in peace without the possibility of molestation and ABC liquor just makes it ...

I have been known to have the worst taste in men. Seriously. I will not even go into the various tales of “dates gone wrong” but trust me, from the saga of the Zen Buddah Master, to the more recent “Liquor made me do it” endeavors I have run into damn near every Hell Naw possible. Shit, I ran into a few Hell Naws that I didn’t even know existed. But I think I’m starting to get it. It took me 25 years but I think I’m really starting to get it. First you need trust. You have to give trust but also be sure to give trust to someone who is actually worthy of trust. Giving trust to an asshole is not a good look. That’s like pre-gaming a party with several patron shots. Its okay at the time but you’ll regret it later You have to keep your eyes open for signs of future Oh Hell Nos. They pop up quite clearly; all you gotta do is watch. Give up the past. Whether it’s old So and So who broke your heart and fucked your sister or “The one who got away”, that shit is in the past. I spent 8 years fol...

Songs I can no longer listen to without blushing or getting offended. I love rap but some of the songs I loved dearly make me ill to my stomach now. This has been a topic of conversation more and more lately as my friends and I grow and mature, looking at the effects of ignorant ass rap songs on our perceptions of the world, both then and now. The world that rap portrays, where women are mere sexual commodities for men’s pleasure is not a world that I want to live in and for sure not one I want to raise children in. The following is just a lil bit of what my kids will never listen to. UGK: I am from the south so I will never stop listening but damn, that shit is offensive. Them Underground Kingz are bananas. See the Lyrics for Let me see it: “Now, from the city that I live in To the city where I'm from For all the hoes that we done did And the hoes that we ain't done From the ones that fuck for shrimp To the ones that fuck for cum” Damn Verdict: Offended. Bootleg : Bitch Im fuc...

Bout to be 25 and there is just some shit I’m too old for. 25 is right around the corner and I am claiming it already. There is some shit that I am entirely too old for. Wearing lingerie as a costume for Halloween. Just because it’s a holiday does not make it acceptable for me to walk out of my house butt naked. My mother did not raise me like that and my ancestors would roll over in their graves. Additionally I live in DC and its way too cold for that shit. Beyond that, wearing anything that I cannot bend down in for fear of flashing someone or exposing something that only god and I should be seeing is not for me. Im pretty sure it was tacky when I was 17, 18, 19 and 20. I am just way more aware of it now. Clubbin all night. I’m old. Grinding in a lascivious manner IN STILETTOS is fuckin ridiculous. If I was in flats perhaps but ummmm no. My calves hurt and I keep falling asleep in the club dammit. Bars. No comment. Wearing uncomfortable shoes. I like to have comfy ass feet and semi t...

The pimp that tried to convince me that I didn’t need to go to college. During the summer of 2000, behind a Motel 6 in Largo I had a run in with a pimp. An attempt to recruit me was made by the pimp’s down bottom bitch, who lived at the Motel 6 with like 8 of her family members. All of this was new to me. Id never personally met a pimp. I wasn’t even aware that you could take up semi-permanent residence at a Motel 6, though I’m fairly certain that occupancy laws do not allow for you to live in one room 8 deep. Whatever. I digress. I’d been told that the pimp was out of town handlin “business” but that he would be back and was very interested in meeting me. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I will sit and talk to just about anyone and I figured this experience would make for a good story so I acquiesced and met with the pimp. He had all of the necessary accoutrements; a very nice car (I don’t know cars now and I definitely didn’t know cars back then but I know that shit was ballerific...

The hottest shit you never knew about Urban Policy Studies is so hot, my laptop almost melted. When people ask me my major and I say Public Policy, I invariably get a puzzled look. Technically I have a BS in Urban Policy Studies with a specialization in public policy, but that shit just confounds those who were initially stumped by the “public policy” part so I normally just shorten that shit to save myself aggravation. There is a Labor Movement slogan : “Unions: The Folks Who Brought You the Weekend” Policy studies needs something like this so I am gonna try to sum up policy studies and make this shit more intellectually attainable. Shit that Public policy brought you: Olmsted: He made hot parks and shit. You’ve never heard of him. Its ok. He made CENTRAL PARK. Yea…. Now what? Also Piedmont park. College campuses: American University’s main campus, Gallaudet, Bryn Mawr, Harvard, Stanford, UC Berkley, Vassar, Yale. Look him up. He kinda was the shit. Affordable housing and shit. Ok, we...