Wednesdays, Keno, Penis and Mr. 10.5
Weird ass shit that I saw yesterday.
Yesterday was kind of off. Seriously off.
I woke up at 6 am and got in my car to go home.
I was really thirsty so I stopped off at this Food Mart in Largo or Bladensburg or one of those fuckin places… Bowie maybe?
I was hoping for a 7-11 but that shit wasn’t gonna happen. At that point I was tired, dehydrated and disheveled. I got 3 drinks - Cherry Lemonade (which is still in my fridge), a Diet 7-Up (which was OK) and Diet Chocolate Cherry Dr. Pepper (which I am unable to recommend to anyone.)
I also picked up a bottle of vinegar. My sink is stopped up and if you pour baking soda in there and then vinegar cover it tightly, the fizz clears the blockage and the sink will drain. (Try it. It works).
Anyway, I go to the counter and witness the most bizarre fucking conversation between this Drunk/High man who was playing Keno and the woman behind the counter.
It went like this:
Now I was disturbed by this for many fairly obvious reasons but it was 6am and I still had to go home so I interject with, “Can’t both Keno and war be bad?” to which everyone agrees and I exit the store. Some random man opens my car door for me (it was too early for me to realize that this was little strange) and off I go.
I get home, lay down for an hour and jump up and run off to work. Work Work Work. Work Work Work. Stopped by Ann Taylor cuz I really wanted this dress. They were closed. Pop over to The Gap (I hate The Gap). Got perplexed by this weird ass purse and saw an old classmate who works there.
Went home. Got distracted. Should have slept. Didn’t. I went to the grocery store where all kinds of fake meats were on sale. I bought a shit load of faux meat.
Walking down the frozen aisle, this guy is following me going “Bow Chicka Wow Wow”. I’m trying to figure out Where The Fuck The Tortillas Are?
I ask and they’re like “So you want quesadillas?” and I was like “Eventually?”
I finally wander down the Goya aisle and gets me my tortillas and roll.
I take my ass home, thinking bout sleep because something kept my ass up all night… I got a text letting me know that I needed to cart my ass to the club. So I put on my girly girl dress, grabbed a note pad (cuz I had a blog in my head that I needed to get out and off I went.
Side note: I quit drinking. I might eventually go back to restricted quantities of wine (Sauvignon Blanc, more than likely)… But at this point I gotta look at it like this:
Its time to grow up alil more and step up my game.
I need you to know that Clubbing without alcohol is difficult. Real difficult.
First off, if you go to the club with a notepad writing in depth about large penises (don’t ask) people look at you funny.
I should have used my blackberry. Lesson learned.
So I’m sitting down, talking to someone who I had apparently carried some previous time when I was at the club and I was drunk. I am dubbing him Canada aka 10.5 aka Flawrida. Very funny guy. He kept on referring to his dick as his “nature”. That shit was by far “The Best” euphemism for penis ever.
An ugly chick (Drunk girl 1) started dancing on a table and her drunk ass friend (Drunk girl 2) decided to position her head next to Drunk Girl 1’s fat ass and take a photo like that.
It was like being trapped in Kanye’s Drunk and Hot girls song cept neither of them hoes were cute. Anyway Canada aka 10.5 aka Flawrida left, 2 people fell down and I took that as my cue to leave as well. I head home, see 2 guys on Mass. Ave pissing off of the lil mini overpass onto 16th street and think to myself “Classy!”
Go upstairs and peel off my scandal dress. I take a look at my herb garden (I bought it to teach me patience and the ability to care for living things.) now I know I planted 4 plants. Lavender, Basil, Catnip (I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do with that shit) and one that I could figure out. Well the mystery one sprouted and I am quite fucking pleased. It’s MINT! And that beats catnip any day.
Above all else I learned the following:
You know, just your normal Wednesday, if you were me….
Yesterday was kind of off. Seriously off.
I woke up at 6 am and got in my car to go home.
I was really thirsty so I stopped off at this Food Mart in Largo or Bladensburg or one of those fuckin places… Bowie maybe?
I was hoping for a 7-11 but that shit wasn’t gonna happen. At that point I was tired, dehydrated and disheveled. I got 3 drinks - Cherry Lemonade (which is still in my fridge), a Diet 7-Up (which was OK) and Diet Chocolate Cherry Dr. Pepper (which I am unable to recommend to anyone.)
I also picked up a bottle of vinegar. My sink is stopped up and if you pour baking soda in there and then vinegar cover it tightly, the fizz clears the blockage and the sink will drain. (Try it. It works).
Anyway, I go to the counter and witness the most bizarre fucking conversation between this Drunk/High man who was playing Keno and the woman behind the counter.
It went like this:
- Drunk/High Man: Do you ever play Keno?
- Woman behind the Counter: No. Is bad.
- Drunk/High Man: It is not bad. What? You think war is good. Like I could just drop down in your country, not even know you and shoot you in the head. You think that’s good?
- Woman behind the Counter: No.
- Drunk/High Man:So then what’s wrong with Keno?
Now I was disturbed by this for many fairly obvious reasons but it was 6am and I still had to go home so I interject with, “Can’t both Keno and war be bad?” to which everyone agrees and I exit the store. Some random man opens my car door for me (it was too early for me to realize that this was little strange) and off I go.
I get home, lay down for an hour and jump up and run off to work. Work Work Work. Work Work Work. Stopped by Ann Taylor cuz I really wanted this dress. They were closed. Pop over to The Gap (I hate The Gap). Got perplexed by this weird ass purse and saw an old classmate who works there.
Went home. Got distracted. Should have slept. Didn’t. I went to the grocery store where all kinds of fake meats were on sale. I bought a shit load of faux meat.
Walking down the frozen aisle, this guy is following me going “Bow Chicka Wow Wow”. I’m trying to figure out Where The Fuck The Tortillas Are?
I ask and they’re like “So you want quesadillas?” and I was like “Eventually?”
I finally wander down the Goya aisle and gets me my tortillas and roll.
I take my ass home, thinking bout sleep because something kept my ass up all night… I got a text letting me know that I needed to cart my ass to the club. So I put on my girly girl dress, grabbed a note pad (cuz I had a blog in my head that I needed to get out and off I went.
Side note: I quit drinking. I might eventually go back to restricted quantities of wine (Sauvignon Blanc, more than likely)… But at this point I gotta look at it like this:
When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.
- Corinthians 13:11
Its time to grow up alil more and step up my game.
I need you to know that Clubbing without alcohol is difficult. Real difficult.
First off, if you go to the club with a notepad writing in depth about large penises (don’t ask) people look at you funny.
I should have used my blackberry. Lesson learned.
So I’m sitting down, talking to someone who I had apparently carried some previous time when I was at the club and I was drunk. I am dubbing him Canada aka 10.5 aka Flawrida. Very funny guy. He kept on referring to his dick as his “nature”. That shit was by far “The Best” euphemism for penis ever.
An ugly chick (Drunk girl 1) started dancing on a table and her drunk ass friend (Drunk girl 2) decided to position her head next to Drunk Girl 1’s fat ass and take a photo like that.
It was like being trapped in Kanye’s Drunk and Hot girls song cept neither of them hoes were cute. Anyway Canada aka 10.5 aka Flawrida left, 2 people fell down and I took that as my cue to leave as well. I head home, see 2 guys on Mass. Ave pissing off of the lil mini overpass onto 16th street and think to myself “Classy!”
Go upstairs and peel off my scandal dress. I take a look at my herb garden (I bought it to teach me patience and the ability to care for living things.) now I know I planted 4 plants. Lavender, Basil, Catnip (I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do with that shit) and one that I could figure out. Well the mystery one sprouted and I am quite fucking pleased. It’s MINT! And that beats catnip any day.
Above all else I learned the following:
- If you must write of Penises, do so on your Blackberry.
- Hold out for the 7-11. The Food Mart is a shit hole.
- Asking a Muslim if they play Keno is stupid, even at 6 am.
- I should avoid Keno because Keno is bad.
- Tortillas and Quesadillas are the same thing according to the manager at Super Fresh
- When someone wanders around saying “Bow Chicka Wow Wow” in real life, it’s really unnerving.
- I will refer to penises as “Nature” from now on. As in, “Quit poking me with your Nature”……
You know, just your normal Wednesday, if you were me….
Comments