The Tale of Thickness

The Tale of Thickness

Thickness and I dated probably roughly 6 months ago. Thickness lived in New Jersey and I became acquainted with her through my father. She is sassy and he felt that we would get along.

Thickness comes from a family that has a proclivity for shanking people.

No, seriously. Her father went to prison for stabbing someone to death. Her sister is currently in prison for stabbing someone. She has on numerous times told my father (in regards to something that I may or may not have done) “Don’t that bitch know, I Will Kill Her Ass?”

Now, her temper and tendency to default to violence would be an automatic two strikes, if she wasn’t SO FUCKIN THICK. And not just in the hips, but lips as well, with a lil ass waist. Loves football. Has no use for men unless they’re cakin her and is completely unapologetic in the manner in which she will cuss you the fuck out.

And come to think of it, if she was just Thick, she’d lose part of her charm. Cuz she’s smart as hell. And sassy as shit. I’m quick wit my tongue and she can go round for round with me. No lie.

Lip gloss poppin and everything. She don’t do fake, she’s heavily allergic to broke, owns her own home and 3 whips. Giants fan for life. I know she was laughin her ass off when my Patriots lost to them.

Thickness and I didn’t work out for a couple of reasons:

• She kept threatening to kill me. Like on a weekly basis.
  
  
• I was busy.
  
  I was busy when I met her. Between work, club promotions, punishing Steve, negotiating the Mr. NFL situation and taking care of my health…. I didn’t make time for her.
  
  I could say it was because I couldn’t, that I just didn’t have the time to make…. but that would be a lie. We make time for what’s important to us and I felt that she could/would/should be confined to and satisfied with one weekend a month. This wasn’t fair. And though she made it clear that she needed more, I kept on insisting that I didn’t have it to give.
  
  
• I think she wanted me to move to Jersey.
  
  I love New Jersey. My pops and brother live there. One day, I might move there. But that really wasn’t the day.
  
  
• I was busy punishing Steve.
  
  And though she told me time and time again to just let it go, I hadn’t fully grasped forgiveness, Christ or the power of prayer. (She kept telling me to take my ass to church).
  
  I was too busy making him suffer, which I realized later only ended up annoying me longer than if I had just cut it off to begin with.
  
  
• I’m hard headed, pig headed, stubborn, and probably more than a little conceited.
  
  She is exactly the same way. She is fine. And she knows it. She is thick as hell. She is a grown ass woman with a good ass job and she has her head on straight (beyond all the anger management issues). But I was too pigheaded to appreciate it.
  
  
• I wasn’t willing to trust her.
  
  Not that she ever gave me cause not to. And not that she didn’t deserve it. But I was just coming off of the “Steve is a cheating Alcoholic Hoe” situation and I wasn’t yet over it. I was over him; just not over the sting of betrayal.
  
  I hate having to deal with the aggravation of having someone look me in my eye with the intention of playing me like I’m stupid. The truth is always the best policy and I respect upfront people. So when I asked for the truth and was met with Bullshit, it was harder to shake off than I thought it would be. She came on the ass end of that situation.

Fuck it. You live and you learn.

So now I must go about contacting Thickness cuz I miss her hostile angry juicy self.

The process will probably look a little something like this:

1. I will text her.
   
   
2. She will cuss at her phone and let all those around her know that I ain’t shit.
   
   
3. She will then tell me that I ain’t shit.
   
   
4. I will agree and apologize. It is true. I really ain’t shit.
   
   (I am like Ricky Bobby’s Dad in Talladega Nights. I don’t know how to act right. Which is why I listen to podcast sermons all day at work. Cuz I need extra Jesus. A whole lot of Extra Jesus.)
   
   
5. Once this is established, she will cuss at me more and possibly threaten my life again.
   
   
6. I will assert that: Though I ain’t shit, I have admitted to it. I will not spend the rest of my life being punished. So can we work past the fact that I am an asshole or should I just call it a day and give the fuck up?
   
   
7. She will either forgive me or she won’t. It could really go either way. She is a lil nuts. But she Mad Thick tho… so it’s cool.
   
   
8. Imma ride out to Jersey to “Makeup”. Naw mean?

Perhaps it’ll all work out. Or perhaps she’ll throw hot grits on me. She do got a soft side tho. You just gotta get past a whole lotta cussin, shit talking and life threatenin to get there.

But it’s well worth it and trust that I wouldn’t have it any other way.