Jesus, Mimosas and the need to Exhale.

I learned a whole lot this Easter weekend. Some of it was from church. Some of it was from Podcast sermons (I need extra Jesus, because tho I look real innocent, I am not in fact a good girl. Shocking, I know. I need so much Jesus that just when I think I can put myself on good girl Jesus Auto pilot, next thing you know I’m almost arrested or entertaining some semi-legal and completely immoral proposition…..But that’s beside the point.)

I also learned quite a few things from the two women who were drunk on Mimosas sitting across from me and my cousin as Sequoia’s for brunch. I will now dispense the shit I learned.

• Apparently if you give two 30-something women Mimosas and let them run loose, it is a little like watching an up close and personal “Waiting to Exhale”.
  
  
• Hiding shit from God is stupid… He already knows everything. And he already forgave you.
  
  
• I can walk into a church without immediately bursting into flames.
  
  
• I don’t like the Hymn part of church and when they skip the sacrament, I feel robbed of my wafer and wine.
  
  
• I been interviewing churches. You need a good strong message and a good charismatic pastor. But if I gotta take one, I’m goin for the strong message.
  
  
• Forgiveness is a gift. It’s a gift for whomever you are forgiving but moreover it is a gift for yourself because until you forgive, you’re going stuck in the same fucked up mentality that whatever the other person did stuck you into in the first place.
  
  
• Bitter is not a good look on anybody, but red high heels are.
  
  
• Men in both their 20s and their 30s waffle.
  
  
• If you are talking to your home girl for 2 hours about how you are OVER it…. You are blatantly not over it.
  
  
• If you are in an argument and it takes a wrong turn (when someone just switches up on you and starts trippin) it is completely acceptable to hang up on them.
  
  
• Apparently, you can’t ask for what you deserve. Asking begs the question “What did you do to deserve that?”
  
  
• There is a difference between being too involved with church vs. being too involved with God.
  
  
• Men are often cowards. Not assholes, so much as cowards. Asshole is easier to deal with because, though we may not like the truth, we can’t be mad at it. But the coward shit is unnerving, cuz rather than being a Man with yall business and handling it, yall run scared and avoid the situation rather than risk women getting pissed at you. Guess what? Avoiding it pisses us off way more than just telling the truth and keeping it movin
  
  
• Sometimes when a Man won’t choose, you have to choose for them.
  
  
• All women hate feeling discarded.
  
  
• Some women never bounce back from Bad relationships.
  
  
• There is comfort in being the victim. If you were duped and lied too, you were victimized. Some comfort comes from the divestment of strength because you also don’t have to take responsibility for your role. Being the victim is easy, but it takes away all of your power.
  
  
• It is the responsibility of all of us to teach the youth to stay away from them trifling dirty butt boys.
  
  
• Sometimes he don’t wanna be free, but if it cant work and you love em, let em free. That’s real love.
  
  
• A lot of times, you don’t want someone until they are with someone else. That’s a control issue. If you really loved them, you would want better for them.
  
  
• Shitty relationships are not time wasted. It is time that you coulda spent doin other shit though.
  
  
• Even 30 year old women’s parents want to know where their grandbabies are. Apparently, I have a possible 15 more years of my parents asking me to commit my uterus to fetuses.
  
  
• You have to let go. And if you really let it go and let love in, its a wrap. Love leaves no room for hate. None.
  
  
• Anytime a man makes you lose sleep or weight, let it go. Relationships should make you smile, not make you anxious.
  
  
• Tears don’t move me no more. Hell no. I can fake tears. That shit is no good.
  
  
• Sometimes you date someone who will try to trap you into a cycle of unavailability, so that you are forced to take what you can get. That’s a cop out. Never settle.
  
  
• Mimosas and 30 yr old women are awesome.
  
  
• And apparently Otis is not Greta’s baby daddy. The baby ain’t his.

Eavesdropping is bad, especially on Happy Jesus Easter Day. But if you’re gonna eavesdrop, let it at least be informative.