24 hr Laundromats and my Run-in with the Toothless Crack Whore

24 hr Laundromats and my run in with the Toothless Crack Whore Lesson

Apparently I have any affinity for 24 hr Laundromats.

I developed this habit in Atlanta while working the night shift. Night shift is hell. Your appetite gets fucked up and sleep schedules all off and shit. It’s so fucking hard to get on a night time schedule that you don’t want to fuck that shit up, so on your off days you sleep all day and stay up all night -hence night time laundry.

Also, along the same time I developed a severe aversion to people and to being touched. Don’t get me wrong: Select people are allowed to touch me and they know who they are. If you have any questions about whether you are one of these people, then your not one of them, TRUST. . Anyway, Damn near no one is at a Laundromat at 2am so it all worked out.

So, it’s 1 am on a Saturday/ Sunday. I’m doing laundry, avoiding the club because apparently I’ve decided that I’m a social alcoholic. I am addicted to drinking free drinks at the club and find it damn near impossible to turn down a drink offer, cuz I have no will power.

So my ass is in Lanham. Nice well lit spot.

First off: Putting a 20 dollar bill into a change machine is bananas!!! Like winning a Jackpot in Vegas.

I’ve never seen that many quarters at once.

So now I’m eyein the snack machine trying to figure out

1. What the fuck is a Moon pie?



2. What the fuck is a Double Decker Moon pie?



3. And dear god Why in the name of all that is holy would you want to make a banana flavored Double Decker Moon pie?

The TV selections at these places are always the best. Competitive poker is on, this shit is the coolest nonsport ever.

On the other channel is this crazy Hispanic version of the Sopranos meets Miami Vice i have no clue what’s going on (and cuz I speak NO Spanish) But I’m so engrossed its ridiculous .

This guy in a grey 80’s suit is pretending to be blind whilst a bottle blonde with huge fake tits shamelessly hits on him. OH SHIT! The Blind guy just shot a Tommy Chong looking guy sitting in front of a huge pile of coke. Most interesting shit on ever!

Now I‘m sitting around wondering why the fuck someone would ever need to wash 75 lbs of laundry all at once and I’m hugely thankful that my ass isn’t at that 24hr Laundromat in Atlanta….

That shit was not kosher. This shit is a luxury resort compared to that last one.

My Run in with the Toothless Crack Whore
I’d ended up driving over to Buford highway in Atlanta, which really isn’t somewhere that you want to be in the middle of the night. But fuck it, when you don't sleep, fuck else you gonna do?

So I bring all this laundry out to Buford highway. And off break, the fact that the glass of the candy machine was kicked in and the candy machine had been raided should have been the first sign that some shit was amiss.

But it was the middle of the night and I was already out there. For some reason I have this false sense of security no matter where I am, like I’m untouchable or some shit.

So I did laundry. I step outside to put my soap powder in my trunk and this chick randomly gets dropped off at the Laundromat. I go back inside and she follows.

At this point my clothes were in the washer so I was pretty much stuck. Now let me describe this chick to you really quick.

• Bad blonde dookie braids with 2 inches of roots.


• Black cropped tube top, titties just saggin and hangin just enough to meet her gut that spilled over the top of her skirt.


• The skirt was jean, floor length with a slit up the back, right up to her hell naw regions.


• All of this atop some black canvas platform sandals with crusty ass heels.


• Front teeth, gone…. (like Keyshia Coles mother).

Mind you, this was well over two years ago so as you can tell, this shit is seared into my fucking brain as being the biggest hot mess of hot messness that I have ever witnessed.

So I’m doing my laundry and trying not so stare at this chick who I have already decided is a Crack Whore. She walks up to me and begins this random conversation.

Suspected Crack Whore : Is that your car?

Me : Umm Yeah.

Suspected Crack Whore : Can you drive me across the bridge? (The bridge that crosses over the highway)

Me: Umm, I wish I could but I’m doing laundry.

Suspected Crack Whore : I need a ride. That guy just cussed me out and kicked me out of his car. I’d walk but if I do, the cops will arrest me again.

Me : For what? It’s not illegal to walk across the bridge? (Now I’m actually kinda interested.)

Suspected Crack Whore : They keep on arresting me for prostitution, but I’m not a prostitute. They arrested me like 5 times this week. But I ain’t no prostitute.

Me : I feel you (I, in fact, did not fucking feel her).

At this point I’m going about my business.

Suspected Crack Whore : So you gonna give me a ride?

Me : Naw, can’t. I’m sorry.

Suspected Crack Whore : Why you didn’t say that in the first place?

So now the Suspected Crack Whore is mad and storms off…..

Lessons learned:

• Don’t do laundry at 24hr Laundromats in the shitty neighborhoods.


• If it looks like a Crack Whore, walks like a Crack Whore, adamantly denies being a crack whore, and has been arrested for crack whoring 5 times….It might just be a Crack Whore….

I promise, the next blog will not be about hoes, whores or Hoing…. Tho it might be about penises…. Stay tuned.