The realest 20 minutes of my entire fucking life
This is a little more personal than the other shit I normally write. It’s probably not funny. It’s not supposed to be. But it’s about the realest 20 minutes I ever lived. So here it goes.
So I get this call, saying immune systems might not be up to par. Simultaneously as I am finding out that the object of my affection was putting his affection elsewhere last night, I’m hearing that I need to go get tested to make sure I’m not dying. Talk about a reality check.
And I’m thinking…. Was it worth it? Was any of it worth it? Cuz I’m at this clinic, waiting for this test. Of all the things I’m trying to figure out: how many at risk motherfuckers have I been with….
That Playgirl Centerfold? The Pro Athlete? Were these sexy trophies bound to be the death of me?
And I’m pondering one of my favorite quotes:
All the things I used to quiet the noises in my head when life was too much, are now threatening to permanently silence that shit and I’m thinking, if I had to do it again, knowing what I know now, would I really do anything differently? Cuz I know that I did what I did out of what I felt was necessity.
The metro to the clinic, plus the walk, clutching that cross the whole time…..
Its amazing how fast you find God on your way to get tested.
I promised to do all the shit I woulda done had I been takin proper care of myself.
They take blood after I fill out a very personal questionnaire about where my twat has been my entire life.
They ask if I am prepared for the results, regardless of what they may be. I have no choice so fuck it. Yes. I gotta go back to work anyway.
So I go and I wait in this room for the LONGEST 20 minutes of my entire life and I think of all the things I will do differently regardless of the results.
Yo I figure the best time to make resolutions is when you’re under the gun.
20 minutes of your life flashing before your eyes.
20 minutes of every sex act replayed in your mind.
Especially the whack shit. Wow.
They say you should think about every sex partner as the potential father of your children. Naw look at everyone as if they are potentially trying to give you AIDS and ask yourself, "Is this nut (if your lucky enough to even climax) worth dying over?"....
Trust me when I say, sitting in this room looking at a wall of pamphlets, nauseous and scared, Nothing is worth all this. Nothing. And no one.
Last time I got TESTED, like really Tested was 9 years ago in high school, when my only 2 partners were my first and my rapist. And now I am living the realest 20 minutes of my life wondering if the sore throat that I have is a sign that am dying. So when they call me back into the room, and tell me I’m NEGATIVE….
Oh my god. I realized what it was all worth. And I felt lucky and blessed and felt a certain responsibility to myself and others. I now have a huge BAG of condoms, lube, female condoms, flavored condoms and a BIG ASS PIECE OF PAPER THAT SAYS I’M NEGATIVE!!! Imma frame that shit and put it on my fridge.
If you see me out…. Don’t touch me ever….I don’t want what you might have.
I was talking with a friend last night about beauty and the beauty of being informed and right now….I’m mad beautiful….
Get tested.
So I get this call, saying immune systems might not be up to par. Simultaneously as I am finding out that the object of my affection was putting his affection elsewhere last night, I’m hearing that I need to go get tested to make sure I’m not dying. Talk about a reality check.
And I’m thinking…. Was it worth it? Was any of it worth it? Cuz I’m at this clinic, waiting for this test. Of all the things I’m trying to figure out: how many at risk motherfuckers have I been with….
That Playgirl Centerfold? The Pro Athlete? Were these sexy trophies bound to be the death of me?
And I’m pondering one of my favorite quotes:
"My memory is well filled with stale smoke left over from mistakes I made while hunting down secrets to rescue myself from waves of darkness"
-excerpt from Gordon Parks Poem "In Retrospect" (Glimpses of Infinity, 1996).
All the things I used to quiet the noises in my head when life was too much, are now threatening to permanently silence that shit and I’m thinking, if I had to do it again, knowing what I know now, would I really do anything differently? Cuz I know that I did what I did out of what I felt was necessity.
The metro to the clinic, plus the walk, clutching that cross the whole time…..
Its amazing how fast you find God on your way to get tested.
I promised to do all the shit I woulda done had I been takin proper care of myself.
They take blood after I fill out a very personal questionnaire about where my twat has been my entire life.
They ask if I am prepared for the results, regardless of what they may be. I have no choice so fuck it. Yes. I gotta go back to work anyway.
So I go and I wait in this room for the LONGEST 20 minutes of my entire life and I think of all the things I will do differently regardless of the results.
- I will go to church.
- I will take time out for my loved ones.
- I will become more risk averse.
- I will save myself for someone WORTHY. Cuz right now I’m not getting what I want or what I need and these are by far the longest 20 minutes of my life.
Yo I figure the best time to make resolutions is when you’re under the gun.
- I will pay off my student loans.
- I will be responsible.
- I will stop having sex and thinking about sex and treating my twat as a commodity.
- I will not use people for liquor or money or sex.
- I will take the time to enjoy my friends.
- I will refrain from all non prescription drugs & take care of my health.
- I will require everyone I am with to get tested.
- I will wait for love, cuz I think it’s worth waiting for.
- I WILL KNOW MY WORTH, AND WHAT I DESERVE AND REFUSE TO SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS.
- I will travel with friends and family.
- I WILL STOP TAKING IT FOR GRANTED. ALL OF IT. AND I WILL TAKE VITAMINS.
- I will eat and exercise and love myself.
20 minutes of your life flashing before your eyes.
20 minutes of every sex act replayed in your mind.
Especially the whack shit. Wow.
They say you should think about every sex partner as the potential father of your children. Naw look at everyone as if they are potentially trying to give you AIDS and ask yourself, "Is this nut (if your lucky enough to even climax) worth dying over?"....
Trust me when I say, sitting in this room looking at a wall of pamphlets, nauseous and scared, Nothing is worth all this. Nothing. And no one.
Last time I got TESTED, like really Tested was 9 years ago in high school, when my only 2 partners were my first and my rapist. And now I am living the realest 20 minutes of my life wondering if the sore throat that I have is a sign that am dying. So when they call me back into the room, and tell me I’m NEGATIVE….
Oh my god. I realized what it was all worth. And I felt lucky and blessed and felt a certain responsibility to myself and others. I now have a huge BAG of condoms, lube, female condoms, flavored condoms and a BIG ASS PIECE OF PAPER THAT SAYS I’M NEGATIVE!!! Imma frame that shit and put it on my fridge.
If you see me out…. Don’t touch me ever….I don’t want what you might have.
I was talking with a friend last night about beauty and the beauty of being informed and right now….I’m mad beautiful….
Get tested.
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