Crack May Kill But It Sure Is Funny

  • "30 Rock" (2006) {Pilot (#1.1)}
    Tracy Jordan: You know how pissed off I was when U.S. Weekly said that I was on crack? That's racist! I'm not on crack - I'm straight-up mentally ill!

  • "Boondocks, The" (2005) {The Itis (#1.10)}
    Riley: [after eating The Luther] Whoa. This is what crack must feel like.

  • "Chappelle's Show" (2003) – A varitable cornucopia of Crack jokes
    1. Tyrone Biggums: Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.

    2. Tyrone Biggums: ...and that, kids, was the first time I sucked a dick for crack.

    3. Tyrone Biggums: [hands full of money] Crack, here I come.

    4. AND MY FAVORITE
      Tyrone Biggums: Why do you think I carjacked you, Rhonda?
      Rhonda: 'Cause the cops found you in it three hours later asleep, high on crack!
      Tyrone Biggums: That's impossible, Rhonda. How can you sleep when you're high on crack? Chinese riddle for you.


  • "Cold Case” (2006) {The River (#3.22)}
    Nick Vera: Saying that maybe I'm not 100% totally washed up in the dating world.
    Will Jeffries: Cause a crack ho called you?
    Nick Vera: Why you have to say it like that?

  • "Dead Like Me" (2003)
    George: If that were the case, it looks like my inner child's road to adulthood was paved with crack cocaine, ten-dollar blowjobs, and maybe even a trick baby or two.

  • "Family Guy" (1999) {Love Thy Trophy (#2.5)}
    Stewie: What's that? Oh yes, yes. I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack!

  • "Just Shoot Me!" (1997) {The Odd Couple: Part 2 (#3.25)}
    Jack Gallo: Are you on the crack, boy?


  • 10 Things I Hate About You
    Walter Stratford: This morning, I delivered a set of twins to a fifteen-year-old girl, do you know what she said to me?
    Bianca: "I'm a crack-whore who should have made my skeazy boyfriend wear a condom"?
    Walter Stratford: Close, but no. She said, "I should have listened to my father".

  • Bring It On: All or Nothing (2006) (V)
    Leti: I think it's caffeine withdrawal. Coffee's like crack to white people.

  • Dead Man on Campus (1998)
    Cliff: [rapping] My name is Cliff, brother of Joe. I got me some crack. I want me some hoes!

  • Scream 2 (1997)
    Joel: I'm gonna get some donuts, some Prozac; see if I can find some crack, Special K, X... not Malcom, and I'll be back when y'all start talking about somethin a little more "Saved By The Bell"-ish!

  • Superbad (2007)
    Officer Michaels: I'm assuming you all have guns and crack.

  • Zoolander (2001)
    Mugatu: Let me show you Derelicte. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique.

  • Clockers (1995)
    Rodney: [sigh] If God created anything better than crack cocaine he kept that shit for hisself.

    AIDS jokes are difficult, but still funny when done right.
  • "30 Rock" (2006) {Pilot (#1.1)}
    Tracy Jordan: Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets.

  • "Titus" (2000) {The Test (#2.2)}
    Ken Titus: I heard you've got the AIDS.

  • Boyz n the Hood (1991)
    Dooky: You don't know what I be getting. I don't be fucking no dopeheads. I let them suck my dick. Shit, they got AIDS and shit.

  • The Office:
    Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently, it doesn't exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
    Jim Halpert: The aid to Afghanistan?
    Michael Scott: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
    Phyllis: Afghani.
    Michael Scott: What?
    Phyllis: Afghani.
    Michael Scott: That's a dog.
    Pam Beesley: No, that's "afghan."
    Michael Scott: That's a shawl.
    Dwight Schrute: Canine AIDS?
    Michael Scott: No
    Creed: Who has AIDS?
    Jim Halpert: Guys, the Afghanistanannis.
    Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried. Funny but it shouldn’t be…

  • Reality Bites (1994)
    Vickie Miner: You don't understand, every day, all day, it's all that I think about, OK? Every time I sneeze, it's like I'm four sneezes away from the hospice. And it's like it's not even happening to me, it's like I'm watching it on some crappy show like Melrose Place or some shit right, and I'm the new character, I'm the HIV AIDS character and I live in the building and I teach everybody that 'It's OK to be near me, it's OK to talk to me.' And then I die. And there's everybody at my funeral wearing halter tops or chokers or some shit like that.

    Like I said. It’s harder but if you can pull it off, that shit is on point.

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