The Time Dave sold me Darryl* for 5 dollars (aka Coke is the New Weed)
The Time Dave sold me Darryl* for 5 dollars (aka Coke is the New Weed)
I have a handful of male friends who have lasted me through the ages. I’d say 3 really good ones. I can call them up and they get me. They actually really understand me.
They never trip. If I overbook and have to bump them, it’s never a problem. They understand the concept of obligations and are always willing to reschedule. I can talk to them about whatever and if I am having a testosterone flair up, they are the BEST people to talk to cuz they have seen me at my best and my worst of plotting and scheming.
They have helped me out more than once when I am trying to pull off a bit of pimptrickery and never once has there been an ounce of hate if I were to turn to one of them and say “Yo, what’s good wit ya Boy?”. They hold it down unequivocally and that is cause for celebration.
One who has lasted throughout the ages is Dave. I’ve know Dave since 1999. We met and spent probably the equivalent of a year hanging out in his mother’s basement engaged in some level of debauchery, literally feeling stuck on his couch watching Cartoon network.
This is the same Dave who took me to the infamous Coke party where I hung out with all the males separately so I could get as fucked up as possible and spent most of the night trippin off how fine Helios sister was… (She was fine as shit) while all the white people got high off of Coke and argued about Jesus.
This was the night I realized that:
Last night I partook in a conversation with Dave that spanned various topics such as:
This is the story of why Dave and I are going to hell
Dave says “We’re going to hell”. He says it’s cool though; cuz hell is like college or prison…. You get out. You either Graduate or get released early for good behavior and get to go to heaven.
I told Dave that I didn’t think that we had actually done anything to warrant going to hell…..
And Dave said: Remember that time I sold you Darryl*?
To which I said: Shut the fuck up! That never happened.
Dave: Yeah. I sold you Darryl* for 5 dollars and you in turn sold me Marie* for 5 dollars. We swapped 5 dollar bills. You don’t remember?
Now, knowing Dave and knowing myself, this was altogether possible. This is the guy I went to prom with, complete with a bottle of E&J cuz we don’t believe in wasting time with formality. We just wanted to get drunk. This is also the same guy who I dropped off so I could hook up with someone else. This is to be expected. We keeps it real and Dave always knows the deal…. Which is why Dave is and always will be peoples. That's how we roll and if the shoe was on the other foot, Dave knew I'd extend him the same courtesy.
Anyway, Dave had a friend named Darryl*. Now, I’d went on a date with Darryl* once about a million years ago, prior to dating Dave. I hate loose ends and I’d always considered Darryl* a loose end. Also, it was entirely too coincidental that Dave and Darryl* were best friends and that I had met them completely separately (Dc is funny like that).
Now Dave had met my friend Marie* at prom, while Marie* and I were being completely drunk and absolutely inappropriate. I knew that she thought he was cute and vice versa.
So I end up turning to Dave one drunk ass night and the conversation went like this:
Me: Yo, let me buy Darryl* from you, for like 5 dollars.
Dave: What’s in it for me?
Me: I dunno. I’ll sell you Marie* for 5. That way we even.
Dave : Sounds good to me…. How we gonna make this pop off?
Now perhaps we were very drunk or something because it really took no plotting at all. I got Marie* over there, he got Darryl* over there Boom boom boom, Bam bam bam, it was a wrap.
Dave and Marie* started kicking it every time she came back from school and last time I saw Darryl* was at that fucking Coke party. Cuz apparently Coke is the New weed.
I seriously must have blocked this one out. And I’m pretty sure neither Marie* nor Darryl* are aware of the fact that we sold/ traded them. Hey, this is America! We rely on things like the barter system. Thus we bartered and all parties were satisfied. And thus it was good.
Whatever. This scenario. This shit. This shit right here….. Well this is a perfect example of an excellent mutually beneficial "Can I fuck your friend Scenario" …. And this is also where “The Pile Method” that I mentioned in "Things I lost in the Divorce" was developed. All in all, an amicable deal was struck and good business occurred. Win/Win.
I love my Male friends. Gotta shout out Colb, Cal and Dave... Good looks. ;)
*Names have been changed to protect the innocence of those who were unknowingly bartered.
I have a handful of male friends who have lasted me through the ages. I’d say 3 really good ones. I can call them up and they get me. They actually really understand me.
They never trip. If I overbook and have to bump them, it’s never a problem. They understand the concept of obligations and are always willing to reschedule. I can talk to them about whatever and if I am having a testosterone flair up, they are the BEST people to talk to cuz they have seen me at my best and my worst of plotting and scheming.
They have helped me out more than once when I am trying to pull off a bit of pimptrickery and never once has there been an ounce of hate if I were to turn to one of them and say “Yo, what’s good wit ya Boy?”. They hold it down unequivocally and that is cause for celebration.
One who has lasted throughout the ages is Dave. I’ve know Dave since 1999. We met and spent probably the equivalent of a year hanging out in his mother’s basement engaged in some level of debauchery, literally feeling stuck on his couch watching Cartoon network.
This is the same Dave who took me to the infamous Coke party where I hung out with all the males separately so I could get as fucked up as possible and spent most of the night trippin off how fine Helios sister was… (She was fine as shit) while all the white people got high off of Coke and argued about Jesus.
This was the night I realized that:
- Coke is the New Weed.
- Jesus probably doesn’t appreciate Coked out theological discussions.
- All males are stingy but if you divide and conquer, you can partake in everyone’s libations.
Last night I partook in a conversation with Dave that spanned various topics such as:
- The Bitchassedness of my ex for the bitch ass move that his bitch ass pulled last Thursday.
- The good old days, which apparently have all blended into one for me…
(I think I fucked up my brain cells) - How I should let him do me on the hood of his car.
(No thanks. That sounds painful.) - How I should go about fucking the friend.
(Dave is the little devil in my right ear; I think perhaps Kennda is the angel in my left). - The serendipity that is the “Naturally Occuring Threesome”
- And How we are going to hell.
This is the story of why Dave and I are going to hell
Dave says “We’re going to hell”. He says it’s cool though; cuz hell is like college or prison…. You get out. You either Graduate or get released early for good behavior and get to go to heaven.
I told Dave that I didn’t think that we had actually done anything to warrant going to hell…..
And Dave said: Remember that time I sold you Darryl*?
To which I said: Shut the fuck up! That never happened.
Dave: Yeah. I sold you Darryl* for 5 dollars and you in turn sold me Marie* for 5 dollars. We swapped 5 dollar bills. You don’t remember?
Now, knowing Dave and knowing myself, this was altogether possible. This is the guy I went to prom with, complete with a bottle of E&J cuz we don’t believe in wasting time with formality. We just wanted to get drunk. This is also the same guy who I dropped off so I could hook up with someone else. This is to be expected. We keeps it real and Dave always knows the deal…. Which is why Dave is and always will be peoples. That's how we roll and if the shoe was on the other foot, Dave knew I'd extend him the same courtesy.
Anyway, Dave had a friend named Darryl*. Now, I’d went on a date with Darryl* once about a million years ago, prior to dating Dave. I hate loose ends and I’d always considered Darryl* a loose end. Also, it was entirely too coincidental that Dave and Darryl* were best friends and that I had met them completely separately (Dc is funny like that).
Now Dave had met my friend Marie* at prom, while Marie* and I were being completely drunk and absolutely inappropriate. I knew that she thought he was cute and vice versa.
So I end up turning to Dave one drunk ass night and the conversation went like this:
Me: Yo, let me buy Darryl* from you, for like 5 dollars.
Dave: What’s in it for me?
Me: I dunno. I’ll sell you Marie* for 5. That way we even.
Dave : Sounds good to me…. How we gonna make this pop off?
Now perhaps we were very drunk or something because it really took no plotting at all. I got Marie* over there, he got Darryl* over there Boom boom boom, Bam bam bam, it was a wrap.
Dave and Marie* started kicking it every time she came back from school and last time I saw Darryl* was at that fucking Coke party. Cuz apparently Coke is the New weed.
I seriously must have blocked this one out. And I’m pretty sure neither Marie* nor Darryl* are aware of the fact that we sold/ traded them. Hey, this is America! We rely on things like the barter system. Thus we bartered and all parties were satisfied. And thus it was good.
Whatever. This scenario. This shit. This shit right here….. Well this is a perfect example of an excellent mutually beneficial "Can I fuck your friend Scenario" …. And this is also where “The Pile Method” that I mentioned in "Things I lost in the Divorce" was developed. All in all, an amicable deal was struck and good business occurred. Win/Win.
I love my Male friends. Gotta shout out Colb, Cal and Dave... Good looks. ;)
*Names have been changed to protect the innocence of those who were unknowingly bartered.
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