The Bitch that wouldn't shut tha fuck up

Originally published on 12.17.06

The Bitch that wouldn't shut tha fuck up.

On my flight to ATL the other day I was trapped. The ugly bitch next to me with the nasal voice and gapped tooth would not stop yapping to her equally unattractive boyfriend, who seemed so smitten with her that he couldn't refrain from stroking her inner thigh for the entire fucking hour and a half flight.

Apparently they were both in love with her pretentious ass rant.
I know way too much about her. I know that she thinks her boyfriend should get a job working for "The Economist." I know that she was in Russia in 1998 and met a girl there. She then proceeded to recount this girls entire career path. I know about lectures that she attended at University. I know that both her and her boyfriend are print journalists. For someone who yaps so much, i think she should definitely think about radio journalism, as apparently she loves to hear herself fucking talk.
This is just a portion of the auditory diarrhea that I was subject to. Mind you the only time i didn't have my headphones on was take off and landing, which make this even more ludicrous to me. SERIOUSLY. WTF?

During landing the combination of lack of sleep (THANKS LUKE) and Hangover (THANKS LUKE AND ERIAN) made me seriously contemplate either suicide or murder. I was trying to figure out the probability of crashing while landing, so that i could see whether or not it would be worth it to choke this bitch to death. If the plane was going down, i would hope that the flight attendant would say something ( like "oh my god" or "We're gonna die") or that at least the abject horror in her eyes might tip me off so that i could use my last few moments of life to rob the gapped tooth pretentious bitch next to me of her final breath. Im sure others would cry, or call loved ones, or pray. I would murder the bitch next to me. And i know that my loved ones would understand that the throbbing migraine coupled with extreme dehydration made me prioritize her silence above letting everyone know that i was about to die. Fuck it. Yall will see it on the news anyway. If i had a few minutes left after killing her and fending off her love sick boyfriend, perhaps id get a text out to yall.

For future reference I looked up the statistics for flight crashes so next time i can be both prepared and informed.



Next time i'll be able to weigh my options a little better. If we're gonna die anyway at least one of us should be happy.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Parisienne Mac and Cheese recipe

Shit I'm not here for (That's that shit I don't like)

Tiny Bottles of Wine are Ingenious.