Nicotine withdrawal & Cramps.

Words of wisdom from the crazy cab driver who almost killed me late Wednesday night…..

“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, either negative or positive… I call this “Human social physics”. Always remember, no matter what you do... Women are walkin ovens, and you don’t wanna let the wrong chef up in yo kitchen.”

Wise words from a wise man (though I think he spent more time thinking than he did driving, cuz he really did almost kill me).

Yesterday I suffered. Cramps. Plus Nicotine withdrawal. I have broken up with cigarettes before. Every time it is painful and eventually I go crawling back because Newports bitch me.

Needless to say it was a rough day. Work, not so bad. Good lunch. Was slightly grumpy but fuck it…..

Went to get on the bus, which took forever. This man in a nice blue Obama baseball cap comes up to me and asks me if I have a spare transfer… "No.."

Then he reaches into this bag and pulls out this yellow cap and goes “Well, would you like to buy this Obama hat?"

"No..."

It was ugly. And yellow. Like a hostile yellow color. And I do not, under any circumstances, wear baseball caps. I’m actually going to a game today, strictly for the free beer, and I will not be wearing a hat… nor will I do the wave… but I might read a book tho…

Then on the actual bus, the man behind me was loudly crafting an intricate plan about how he was going to steal mayo from Wendy’s. He then proceeded to repeatedly call his girlfriend, who was seated next to him, a “Retarded Motherfucker” because she walked too fast for him, which struck me as strange because when I think “retarded” I think of slow, which would really make him the retarded one.

Overall, listening to him expound on everything in the world, just for the sake of hearing himself talk was bad, but listening to him berate his girlfriend for merely doin her was damn near unbearable. When a man feels the need to control trivial ass shit like how fast a woman walks, it is a glaring sign of their inadequacies because a “real man” who is strong in himself doesn’t have to bully people in his life to feel some level of control and superiority. Next time someone tries to bother me when I am doing me, Imma throw some bass up in voice and be like “shutthafuckup”…Needless to say, both cramps and nicotine withdrawal made me want to castrate this man……

I was wandering home at this point thinking about the cow and the milk…. Like really. Why buy the cow, when I get the milk for free? I mean, if you were smart, you’d gimme free milk, which I'm used to getting anyway, and then once I’ve developed a mean dairy habit then hook me on some special shit, like cheese… yeah a nice brie… That’s how you lock in repeat business…. Freebies get me in the door, then hook me with some Niche marketing.

Then I started thinking about men trying to “trap” me with a baby, cuz they be scheming on my good credit and shit…….Hmmm, I'm going to make a more active effort to track my period from here on out, cuz this one really snuck up on me….

Following my random musings and changing, I get in my car, with 15 minutes to spare trying to get out to Crystal city for a dinner date (sidenote: I’ve done DC to death. You better live in VA, the outliers of MD or some whole other section of the country. I am boycotting DC penis from here on out for its lack of originality and sad communicative skills).

I get out there, having cursed out no less than 7 cars while trying to figure out who the fuck keeps texting me (turns out its Cigarette Kevin whom Eve and I met out Berwyn Rd that hot ass day that we spent wandering and shamelessly bumming smokes.)

Had a nice date. Ate crab cakes, watched TV….WVUs Defense sucks and Entourage is really funny. Talked and laughed a lot…. Good times.

Then I had to figure out who kept calling me. Turns out it was my Ex from the previous post. Which was amusing, cuz I’m in Crystal City in a wonderfully lavish apartment, with a 25 year old investment banker, staring at a 1300 dollar piece of geometric art, while ignoring calls from my Ex, who did not have the means to cop a cell phone 3 days ago.

Can you say disparity?

Regardless.. I'm always about an upgrade. That's why I went from a dealer to a Playgirl model and a "whatever" to a Redskin. Anyway..... (This is also why I don't do strippers.... How can I go from the first black male to grace the cover of a Play Girl magazine to allowing a man who takes his clothes off for one dollar bills to touch me...... Booo..... No sir... Thats like going from history makers to cheap hoes and that, my friend, would be a definite downgrade....)

Anyway, at this point I'm on my way out heading home, and my Ex texts me “Call me, its (insert faux name here), my new cell”.

To which I text back “Naw. You be actin all crazylike.”

Then he calls.

I text back "No...."

He texts back “That’s that bs”

I ignore.

He texts again “What a waste of cash.”

Now at this point it is almost midnight and I am speeding on the highway trying to get the fuck home so I just text back “Don’t make me cuss you." because I realized that I couldn't type anything more than a fragment while driving without risking hitting the median but had I been able to, I would have quoted our conversation from Facebook, in which I tell him that I give not a damn whether he ever buys a cell phone. and I still care not.

I arrived home.... thinking of Iceberg Slim's book "Pimp"

In Pimp Beck quotes some of Sweet's advice: "A good pimp is always alone. You gotta always be a puzzle, a mystery to them. That's how you hold a whore."

Wise words Mr. Slim. Wise words.

Called Eve this morning to tell her about my date. She said:"How was it?"
Me: "Good. Nice. Sweet. Smart. Can cook. Seems cool."
Eve: "Well what's wrong with him?"
Me: "Nothing yet"

I think we have both gotten alil too used to me picking the wrong men. I'm still reserving judgement til that 3rd month comes around...