The "Good Girls" Guide to Freaky College Sex.

Lately I’ve been thinking about having kids…..

No. Not like me running out and having kids. Just whether I ever want to have them or not. I know quite a few men who lack intergrity and scruples and the thought of carrying one of their fetuses is nauseating to say the least.

Everytime I see people out with their kids, they look like they wish they could have them motherfuckers unborn or some shit….. I dunno, that shit appears to be for the birds… But whatever. I have a wealth of random knowledge that I had planned to share with my children and sans kids, I figured I'd share it with you.

My normal “Sex Talk” with the youths goes like this:

For Girls: Stay away from boys. They’re dirty.

For Boys: Use condoms. (Just in case they run into some girls who didn’t get the “Stay away from boys. They’re dirty” speech).

But I realized that I have quite a bit of good knowledge to share about shit so I shall share away, cuz hey sex happens

The "Good Girls" Guide to Freaky College Sex.

Everyone’s doing it. Especially in College. And while guys are telling everyone they meet about who, where, when and how often they are doing it, us females tend to be tight lipped about it and a wealth of knowledge is slipping away……. So I decided to write down all that I know and have learned from personal experience and the knowledge of my sisters to educate those in need.

1. Fuck Guilt
   First off, having a fun sex life in college cannot happen if you buy into guilt complexes. Guilt never did anything for anyone (except proliferate Catholicism). Think of enjoying your college sex life as a testament to the Feminist movement and a reclamation of your power that has been siphoned off by the Patriarchal society in which we live. (You’re in college. If you can’t justify bullshit with big words, drop out now.)
   
   
2. Multiple partners happen
   Life’s short and what’s the point in being single if you are only having sex with one person, especially if that person hasn’t committed to you.
   
   Every woman wants to believe that this man will be her last, every man wants to believe that he is this woman’s first.
   
   There is a level of discreteness necessary. Just because he likes that thing you do with your tongue while you cup his balls, doesn’t mean that he wants to know where you learned it. You should NEVER reveal that you sleep with other people, under penalty of death. Just because you’re not monogamous doesn’t mean you need to flaunt it in front of your partner. It’s tacky and self defeating.
   
   
3. Time management is key
   Some of the most valuable lessons that I learned in college occurred outside of the classroom. Comin back from break there is a booty call rush check-in period. That shit is like going Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving. That shit is bound to get hectic. Scatter visits throughout that first week just to keep your sanity and keep good relations with your “friends.” Time management is key, and fitting everything in can be alittle taxing. Make wise choices. Scheduling a booty call before a quiz…. Bad idea. Trust me. Which leads into the next point
   
   
4. Learn Proper Dick Management
   Even if you aren’t overbooking yourself on the same day, to maintain the illusion of rule # 2 a little consideration is in order. Not everyone is the same size. Some are bigger and some are smaller.
   
   To maintain vaginal tightness, you have the following 3 options (because Kegel exercises can only do so much):
   
   1. Use Pussy B Tight.
      It is actually quite affordable and a quick Google search helped me locate it.
      
      See the pic, know the product.
      To purchase Pussy B Tight, Click the photo….
      
      
   2. Go Little to Big….
      Schedule small to large to ensure that you aren’t stretching yourself too “thin” per se.
      
      
   3. (This one’s alil tricky) Go Big to Little
      I know that this completely contradicts the previous statement but stick with me…. If you have rough sex with someone who is large, it effectively acts as a natural form of Pussy B tight. . You will be swollen and tightness will be maintained….
   
   
   Just be warned.... options 1 and 3 are bound to result in some kind of injury...
   
   
5. No double dippin
   I like athletes. Always have. Possibly its the physique. Probably has at least alil bit to do with the height and I am definitely a fan of the ease of trainability that comes with someone who follows orders from “coach” all day.
   
   When choosing a collegiate athlete to fuck, choose wisely. Only get one shot per team. Men locker room talk, so unless you want a bad rep, only fuck one from each sports team. This rule applies to Frats. But the good thing is, there are at least 3 frats per school and a shitload of different sports. You got football, basketball, soccer, crew, tennis, track, lacrosse. The possibilities are damn near endless.
   
   
6. Don’t treat your partners like walking, talking penises
   I make this mistake often. Men have feelings and shit and when you treat them like their sole purpose in this world is to get stiff… it normally upsets them and is bad booty call etiquite.
   
   
7. Diversify
   Everyone has a different skill set, and sometimes you are in different moods. Its best to have these staples in your collection of “friends”
   
   
   1. The guy who gives great head – This one is really important but more than likely he sucks in bed.
      
   2. The guy with the Huge penis- He probably gives lousy head, because he doesn’t have to be good at it. He has a huge penis.
      
   3. The guy who’s alil rough – For those times when you want to take it up a notch
      
   4. The guy who is slow and gentle- cuz sometimes you wanna take it down a notch.
      
   5. The man of 101 positions- He will twist you into a fucking pretzel… twice.
      
   
   A good rapport is nice but not really necessary. You’ll always have your favorites. Your “Franchise Players” and your starting line up….. rookies and veterans.
   
   I like the idea of dating several different types. This serves 2 purposes.
   
   First off variety is the spice of life. Who wants to wake up to corn flakes every morning? Shit, sometimes I want to eat Toasted Oats, or Corn pops, or Smacks, or Count Chocula, Damnit.
   
   Second, it serves to confuse people. Everyone is so stuck on this idea of “types”. If you are seeing one guy who is tall, very built and African American and he sees you talking to a 5 foot 5 Asian guy across campus, he will have no clue that you guys are doing anything, because there is no common physical denominator in that equation besides penis. I have had numerous people tell me that someone isn’t my type…. Hmmmm, you never know.
   
   
8. DON’T HOG GOOD SHIT!
   If there is a guy who is great and phenomenal in bed, I share. I tell my friends and so long as I don’t give a fuck about him its fair game. Don’t be selfish. They for Everybody…..
   
   
9. If a guy eats your ass the first time you meet him, Don’t kiss him.
   Nuff said.
   
   
10. Beware of Threesomes
    Threesomes sound great, in theory. But keep these things in mind.
    
    
    1. Always be the guest star. You don’t want to be the one dealing with the emotional backlash that follows a threesome. Trust me.
       
    2. Pick a decent couple. You don’t want to end up embroiled in bullshit relationship drama after the fact.
       
    3. Be prepared to eat pussy. Also, be aware that PUSSY DOES NOT TASTE LIKE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING:
       
       • Peaches and cream
         
       • Ice Cream
         
       • or Candy
       
       Pussy tastes like pussy. Its alil salty, alil tangy, alil sweet. Think saltwater taffy, with its own tangy human taste…..
       
    4. Neat trick: If you get hair in your mouth while down there, position the hair onto the tip of your tongue and lick her inner thigh. It’ll get the hair off and not break the mood like gagging and spitting it out will.
    
    
    
11. Use condoms
    They should list STD stats on that Princeton review website next to male/ female ratio.
    
    Here are the stats for STDS from the area surrounding the University that I attended freshman year….
    
    Use condoms.
    

Cover you ass. Enjoy yourself. You're only young and single once. Like this book I'm reading says: Take a few lovers, Travel the world, and don't take any shit from anybody. Why should guys get to have all the fun? YAY COLLEGE!