I want to thrust my tongue deep inside and fuck you with my mouth....

Trust that these are randoms:

• This landed in my inbox on Facebook yesterday from one of my oldest and most reliable booty calls:
  
  

  I want to lay you back, watch you smile as my tongue first hits your calve, and watch that smile turn into moans as it inches up higher and higher...I want to grab you by the thighs and spread your legs ...so my tongue can lick your pussy from the very bottom...all the way up and over your clit (throbbing and hard)...and pull away...I want to thrust my tongue deep inside and fuck you with my mouth...I want to squeeze your ass and pull you up off the bed to get a deeper lick...I want to watch your breast rise and fall with each heavy breath....I want to feel your nipples get hard between my fingertips...ready for my hot wet mouth to surround them...I want to make you cum.

  
  
  So I decided to venture out into the world and visit with my old dear friends... well worth the trip.
  
  Don't that shit read like a letter to Penthouse. He could most definitely be the next Zane.... and he can back it up. Amen for the reliable oldie but goodies.
  
  
• I was very bored at work today so I Facebook messaged my "special friend" with a new "Booty Call" Agreement:
  
  

  Public Service Announcement: Please be informed that this is a nonbinding agreement (our sexual dalliances) that allows for me to disappear at my own whim and never return. Please note that any attempt to hold the prior statements as some form of binding contract will be vehemently denied as such by myself and will void and nullify any previous agreements made to lick your genitals in the future.
  
  Thank you for your time and cooperation,
  Management

  
  
  He messaged back: Wow.
  
  So I replied:
  

  I am just ensuring that the above statements are not misconstrued as a binding contract for sexual services between you and I.
  
  I would also like to state that I do not assume liability for any distress (emotional or physical) that you may encounter as a result of any sexual acts that are performed on you by me in the future. (This includes but is not limited to extremely late drunken booty call requests, any fornication that results in a loss of sleep, bite marks or scratch marks.)
  
  Furthermore, I do not assume liability for any property damage that may occur (ie. stains, broken head boards, etc.) during the course of any sexual encounters that have previously occurred nor during any future sexual encounters that may occur from here on out.

  
  
  {Can you tell that I am bored at work? like real bored.....}
  
  
• New DJ Xklusive mix:
  Click Here to download
  
  
• So I name my Ex's by year. I like to pretend that once I'm thru fucking you, you no longer exist. Some people are people who can be great "Friends" with their exes. I am not one of these people. Every time one of my exes texts me, it makes me want to arson everything they own. Note to Exes: Think about that before you hit send and be sure yo insurance is paid up.
  
  
• I have an Aggressive style. If you handle my aggression outside of the bedroom, fuck Imma do with you inside the bedroom. I like a man who can dominate me alil bit. Note to some of you: I let you think you were in control. You and I both know that I faked....
  
  
• My new tag line is : "I done got so many panties, you can call me La Perla."
  
  
• I honestly believe that Recommended doses on over the counter medicine are a means of weeding out the pussies. You can totally take 6 Aleve at a time....and Advil... That shit is candy coated. Its like the M&Ms of pain relievers.
  
  
• I think that DARE drug education is bullshit. Apparently so do numerous studies.
  
  Had it been left up to Dare, I'd be on PCP right now:
  
  

  In DARE class, 8th grade, Officer Smiley (I think that was legitimately his name) told us that he was chasing a suspect who was high on PCP. They shot him 9 times and hit him with a car… AND HE WAS STILL GOING… They had to wrestle him to the ground, spray him with pepper spray and handcuff him. The moral of the story: PCP makes you Superman… And who doesn’t want to be like Superman in 8th grade.

  
  
  I propose that we have a program that I like to call "Dare to make kids watch Movies"
  Essentially it would involve forcing kids to watch fucked up movies that would keep them of drugs.
  I recommend the following:
  
  1. Trainspotting
     
  2. Requiem for a dream
     
  3. New Jack City
     
  4. Jungle Fever
     
  5. The Basketball Diaries
     
  6. The Deer Hunter
     
  
  And lastly, numerous episodes of Intervention....
  
  
• Dear Ex:
  
  You read the "Open letter". You didn't like it. I am honestly not sure how you found it, since you shouldn't be able to see my notes on Facebook. That means that you are an avid reader of my blog, either because you like how I write, or because you are so narcissistic and insecure that you are worried about what I might say. The fact that you said that I was mean is retarded. I only recounted what the fuck you did. If I wanted to do some ill ass shit, I would post a hyperlink to your Facebook.
  
  For all those people who think that I am mean: For every mean thing I write, think about all the absolutely fucked up shit that I decided was too cruel to put down. I could have really dug in that ass. I refrained. The secrets that have been told to me, in private moments... I held sacred. Not because you deserve that courtesy but because I can't bring myself to be that fucking evil.
  
  
• When I went to NY, I got into a drunken argument with these Swedish people that went something like this:
  
  Me:Can I have a cigarette? If so, I'll be you best friend for forever.
  Swedish People: Sure.
  Me: Thank you sooo much. Now that you are my best friend, you can call on me. If you need bail, I will bail you out. Where do you live?
  Swedish People: Sweden
  Me: Oh... That makes this alil more difficult. What's Sweden all about?
  Swedish People: Huh?
  Me: Like what's your main export?
  Swedish People: Abba.
  Me: Huh?
  Swedish People: You know Mama Mia? ABBA!
  Me: Ohhh. That was like in the 70s. Anything recently?
  Swedish People: H&M?
  Me: I fucks with H&M
  Swedish People: Do you like Ikea?
  Me: Ummm, no. Its a long story but I don't like how they trap you in. Also, the couches look uncomfortable.
  Swedish People: Ok?
  Me: Ace of Base?
  Swedish People: Yup.
  Me: OOOOOK! & You guys do the watches right? And the chocolate?
  Swedish People: Umm no?
  Me: Naw yall do the watches and the chocolate?
  Swedish People:No, you know Absolut vodka? We do that.
  Me:Ok but what about the watches and the chocolate?
  Swedish People: Nooo. That's Switzerland.
  Me:Oh..... those are two different countries.... my bad....
  
  Me + drunk + Foreign people = geographical incompetence. All in all I got drunk, argued pirates vs. Ninjas with my coworker, got a G33K temporary tattoo on the back of my neck and ended up ordering room service. I fell asleep and woke up to a sandwich.... Score 1 for Netta.
  
  
• At this point in my life some sex is good, some sex is bad... I just hope to average out at mediocre at the end of the year. It's all about the averages.

I am pro premarital sex.
Honestly, how do you know how the car rides unless you test drive it first? And marriage (hopefully) lasts alot longer than a car purchase....
I think the Shittiest book I ever read said it best:


Yeah...

So I went to Ooshi Noodle or something with my cousin. Now we are drunk on Mojitos and some free champagne that they gave us. Confusion has set in, so I shall publish this and move on with my life.