The Mrs. Robinson Effect (It's a sickness)

PLEASE NOTE

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This was possibly the longest, most sleep deprived weekend ever. Ever.

So, I head out to do my normal Friday gig. Standing at the front of the club, I take money. It is my job to take a cover charge from you. Normally this cover is roughly $10. I have never seen people so pissed about having to hand over $10. These people will later be seen in the club, waving around a bottle and singing the chorus to "Ballin!" as loud as possible. Boooooo.

I get home at 4 am from the club. 4 Fucking am. This is post "Tequila debacle" from Thursday. I was so very tired, it was ridiculous. I lay down and the next thing I know, its 7:30.

Saturday

Up I get and I trudge off to my hair appointment where I get fresh to death. Then I head to the mall for some kicks and lotion. Get my eyebrows done. Head back to Silver Spring and check in wit cuzzo. Then I head back home, intent on getting some rest.

Phone goes beep. It’s Shay inviting me to the Wizards game... Fuck it.. I head out, tired as shit.

Decided the following:

• Caron Butler is Fine.
  
• So is Dwayne Wade.

I drove her home and waited for my Saturday Night Jumpoff.

Now at this point, I can barely see straight. I was thinking about postponing but he promised to make it worth my while if I stayed up.

Just as I start to doze off, he calls. So I get my lazy ass out of bed and open the door.

Lately, I have been on this Mrs. Robinson Kick.


Something bout these damned youngins. Something about them.
He is 22 and ripped like shit. I had to ask him how many hours he spends on his abs. 1hr a day. 1 solid hour of making sure that each muscle on his chest is defined and rippled.



These damned youthes....

I must commend the skill set:

1. Massage was INSANE.
   
2. The one handed bra removal. Bravo sir. I commend thee. :D
   
3. Excellent head game.
   
4. Had my 3 E’s. Eager to please, Enthusiastic, and Energetic.
   
5. Not unlike Trey Songz, Youngin had that work….

This “No hair below the belt” Man phenomenon is a trip. I know why I keep my area neat. I like people to want to go down there for a taste. Its like a plate of food. A shitty lookin plate of food aint nuthin you want up in yo mouth. So I try to make it look as appetizing as possible. Perhaps they keep it hairless for that same reason. I would imagine that it would have unexpected benefits as well, like cutting down on cases of Crabs or something….

If I had to give him a grade…. Solid A. Honestly, I'm not sure what I expected but I know he delivered. Literally and figuratively. Sex truly is a matter of trajectory and getting it at just the right angle is perfection. He earned his spot and now Tuesdays are his.

I went to bed with a smile on my face.

Sunday

I woke up at fucking 8am. I knew I had to go into the office so I roll over and look at Youngin. He looked so peaceful that I wasn’t sure whether he was breathing or not. He looked really young and innocent.

I know he was 22 and all but he looked about 17 at that moment so I poked him in his chest to see if he was alive. I can't have dead minors in my bed. He was not in fact dead. I gave him a kiss and we got it in real quick.

It was humid as shit. AS SHIT. Its 8am.

There is some random guy on my couch asleep and I am all up in my bathroom, flat ironing my hair cuz it looks straight fucked up. That’s what I get for trying to be all cute and not wrappin my fuckin shit.

I have a strict "You break, you buy" policy when it comes to my hair. You can sweat it out but the minute that you hop out the poompoom you need to hand me 60 dollars. But because it was only partially his fault, I let it pass and take my ass workward.

Head off to work and realized that I was still fucking sick. I had a Cherry Blossom date so I do my work, submit my shit and head home and shower.

Hop on the metro, late as fuck. Wade thru family after family of unruly children til I get to my fucking destination and proceed with my dating.

Random conversation for hours amidst falling cherry blossoms. Quite nice.

We talked about:

• Why I think contacts are a genetic lie.
  
  Cuz if I meet you, and you need glasses but you’re wearing contacts, I think you have good vision when infact yo ass could be off that Mr. Magoo blindness. Next thing you know, we got 2 blind children. I like to know what I’m getting into when I look at you. Like my own personal Eugenics experiment.
  
  
• I explained to him my theory about makin babies.
  
  Like you need 3 things to make a baby. An egg, some sperm and a womb. I have 2 of these things. He only has one. Which makes me a majority stock holder in this situation, which kinda makes me “Tha Boss”.
  
  
• We talked about the youths of the world, running around smoking crack with my tax dollars and sexually assaulting each other with broom sticks.
  
  
• We talked about the phenomenon of hairless mandom.
  
  
• I implied that he may have fucked a post operative transsexual (this made for awkward conversation)
  
  
• We talked about having someone do a full split on a couch while hitting it from the back.
  
  
• I explained that the only new things on the sex scene are the things that 14 yr olds have thought up, which are things I want no parts of. Like the Spiderman.
  
  
• We walked to the Jefferson memorial and I told him that I thought Jefferson probably had that work. And Clinton. And probably Lincoln too. And maybe Carter.
  
  
• We discussed the bad sex tips that guys got in middle school from each other, like “When you hit that back wall…. That when you getting it. Try and bust a hole in that junt.”
  

All in all it was a great date type thing. I headed home and missed catching up with Plan A because it was late and I was exhausted. Really fuckin exhausted.

It’s like I said to my homegirl “Life is too short not to spend it acquiring beautiful menssss!”

To which she replied “Lol. acquiring and at some point retaining”

And I said “lol. no. Not all of them are worth retaining. Some are just nice to look at. Like art in a museum. You go. You see. You leave. If you want, you go back later and see again. You could purchase, but sometimes the price you'd have to pay is too lofty...”

I like my men feisty. That Beyonce song that goes “You had me at hello.”

Naw son. You had me at “Fuck you”. If you can’t go tit for tat with me, stay yo punk ass at home.

I guess I’m always recruiting just to make sure I can stay interested or at the very least entertained.

Dating is like a game of Spades. Right now I have 3 and 2 possible. 2 strong possibles tho. But perhaps this whole “Mrs. Robinson” thing is getting alil out of hand.

So if you see me in the streets with an 18 year old… Someone please slap me. For my own good. Thanks in advance.