That time I was on probation that time (aka the life and times of Fat Bear)

Fat Bear and I prepared to board the plane on Saturday and I realized that many of you may not know the who, what or why of Fat Bear.

Fat Bear @ the telly in NY

(This is actually like 3 stories, stick with me)

I bought Fat Bear some time before college, so when I went to college, along came this lil ass bear. So when I moved to GA, of course Fat Bear came with.

So I was headed back from Nicks Dorm @ G-state and I was on Marietta headed to Trinity Ave. to meet up with Maya who also transferred from Hampton to G-state. I took a right onto Peachtree St. by 5 points Marta station. Apparently, this is illegal.

I tried to explain to the cop - I'm not from here. I have MD plates and an MD license. He cared not, the wheels of varying streams of income thru bullshit bureaucracy kept turnin and I got a ticket.

Now, I would have paid the ticket. I tried to pay the ticket, but no where on the ticket did it tell me where 2 pay. So on I went to traffic court.

Umm, I guess I was guilty cuz they tried to gimme a fine, but the judge pulled me aside and asked me "Are you a college student?"
"Yes Ma’am!" I replied.
Judge Lady "I'm gonna put you on probation. That way you don't have to pay the fine."

Sounds Good right?

A few notes about probation in GA:

1. If possible, please avoid gettin on probation in GA. It’s privatized which means it is even less efficient than all the other shit in GA cuz it lacks comprehensive oversight.
   
   
2. My court paperwork had the wrong address listed for the office, so I missed my first appointment.
   
   
3. Tip:When they ask you if you want to pay toward the women and children of dead firefighter and police officers fund (soooo not its real name).... They are only asking as courtesy. You have to pay. No one told me this, so every time they asked me if I wanted to pay I said "No thanks", cuz I was a broke college student.
   
   
4. When they ask you for this money, they want exactly $8 dollars. They do not take checks. You cannot overpay. They Do Not make change. They are nothing like NYs impound.... Them motherfuckers take everything cept food stamps and pints of blood.
   
   You know much difficulty I had gettin 8 dollars exactly. That shit was ludicrous.

All this was right before Xmas so I'm trying to drive home but I'm on probation so I wasn't sure I could leave the state. Went to my probation officer (who thought I was cute) and he says sure.

I had a cold, I remember. The night before I left, Nick came over. We weren't together at this point but he was all sweet like and brought me soup. I had a fever so I fell asleep and he held me and left a hickey on my forehead to ward off other suitors. He was toooo adorable. I was sick as shit apparently, cuz I woke up out of a crazy sweat wit a hickey in the middle of my forehead.

I went to MD. I don't quite recall all that happened over break but I headed back to Atl with Nichole.

In Gaffney, SC, we started lookin for the "Smoke" CD. The “Smoke”Cd consisted of various smoketastic artists such as Cyprus Hill, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg and a plethora of other artists that make songs about smokin shit. Whatever. Nichole, tho not driving, couldn't find this CD for shit, so I start lookin.

Way too much was going on. I was driving a 1992 Dodge Shadow (stick shift), on like 85 South (2 lanes, no shoulder, shitty lighting).

THA SHADOW!!!


Um, I don't know where the logic was in this but predictably, I end up veering off to the left. Into the guard rail (this is why I have a deep fear of proximity to guard rails and those stone partition thingys.) Bump the guard rail, straighten the car out.

Shit was fine. I turn to my right so I can reassure Nichole that shit was straight. And then the airbag deployed. Seriously. Getting hit in the face full force by an airbag is not too cool. Lost control of the car. No fun.

So we end up hitting a sign, driving into a ditch and rolling the car. Being upside down in a car, with airbag deployed smoke in your face in not awesome. I was seat belted in still. We are trying to find the phone and all I can keep thinking is "The car is going to blow up cuz its all smokey". Seriously, I could blowout a tire and would think my car was about to explode. I have irrational phobias.

The thing about being upside down is that you still end up looking for shit in the same places that you left them when you were right side up. So I'm reaching into the console for the phone, which gravity has thrown directly onto the ceiling.

Nichole’s seatbelt let go so she is trying to get the door open, while sitting on the ceiling. A truck driver had stopped. I love truck drivers. He opened my door and said "Don't move!!" I distinctly remember hearing Nichole say "Fuck that" and unlatching my seatbelt.

We crawl out and I'm a hot mess. 1 black eye, 2 busted lips and chemical burns on my cheeks. This is why I prefer BMW airbags to all others.... Painless.

They pull the car out of the ditch and roll it over. It is full of xmas shit. Fuckin comforters, coffee mugs, a coat and a shitload of movies. I keep on asking why we can't just drive the 2hrs to GA. Apparently you can do that with a bent frame.

Now I was completely sober when we crashed this car. Hand to god. But I was under 21 and we had a bottle of vodka from the night before in the trunk so that we could bring it back to GA. 1st thing I do when the car is upright is to go in the trunk and dump out the vodka discreetly. I tossed the empty bottle back in the trunk cuz I knew that if they found it, fuck em, it’s empty and I knew I could pass a breathalyzer. Nichole actually ended up grabbin the bottle, as I was talkin to my mom on the phone so that we would avoid incrimination (great minds think alike).

So I call my mom: Mom, I totaled the car.
Mom: You totaled the car? What the fuck?
Me: Umm, but I'm fine tho?
Mom: You totaled the fucking car!
Me: Umm, I'm gonna try and find a ride from SC back to Ga.
Mom: Call Eric (my god brother).
Me: I don't want to bother him. It’s late.

I'm special. It was a long shot but I called Nick. I think the conversation went something like this "Umm, I know we're not together but I just rolled my car in SC and I'm kinda stranded and if you could come get me, that would be great but if not I totally understand and I'll find another way".

He said "I'm on my way". This is how we started dating. He was kind and caring and sensitive and shit. He could still whoop any Niggas ass tho. He was not at all soft, but he was good. Yeah....

So he came to get me and long story short, I spent the next few months on probation for a violation in a car that I no longer had and numerous people felt free to walk up to me and say shit like:

1. What happened? It hurts me to even look at your face.
   (Yes bitch! Cuz I was hit with a fuckin airbag.)


Or my personal favorite:

2. Don't let him beat you like that, girl. You too beautiful for that.
   (I wasn't aware that there was a level of unattractiveness that warranted domestic violence)
   
   I replied "My boyfriend doesn't beat me."
   Random guy on street:"You don't gotta lie for him!"
   Me:"I was in a car accident!!!"
   Random guy: "If you say so."
   Fuckin asshole.

Any way. Fat Bear was in the car when I rolled it and now, he goes everywhere I go. Car trips, flights, boat rides. He is like my own personal "roaming gnome". We went to Mexico together, where I dubbed him "El Oso Gordo". He's went to NY, Orlando, NJ sooo many times. Philly, Ga. Various locales in dc. The Zoo. Moving. The DMV. I guess its one of my weird quirks. But fuck it. Where I goes, the bear goes.

Fat Bear and my Cat

Fat Bear in his seat in the car.

Next time Ill recap my NY trip..... I got into a heated discussion wit some swedish people.... long drunk story.