Pregnancy tests, Magnum condoms, Black Mail & the 2 Hand Method

• Jeanetta thinks her pills have stopped working…. Therefore she is depressed. Note to people: When someone says they are depressed, “Pray” is not a helpful suggestion. Suggestions like “Pray” make me want to slit my wrists. So instead, I fiddle with my own dosage and throw my phone out of my car window while driving. Deuces…
  
  
  
  
• Right now I’m making a powerpoint to show other people how to do my job if I am away…. This is colossal bullshit…. Cuz I don’t enjoy teaching. I’ve taught a few kids how to swim, to keep from having to save their drowning asses on a daily basis… But that is the extent of my teaching. Everyone who knows me knows that I don’t teach. As a policy, I just don’t. To this day, I’ve never slept with a virgin. Because I believe that the skill set that you meet me with is the one you should leave with. Why should I teach you how to do that thing that I like, just to have you wander off later and utilize that elsewhere…. No no no…. never that. I have never bettered anyone sexually. Ever.
  
  
• My coworker is from the Midwest. She apparently really wanted to work for the state department, but instead she works here. Which must suck. TO have a passion for one thing and end up doing something completely unrelated to that must kill her soul a little bit everyday…. My aspiration was merely to get PAID and therefore I am content enough. Anyway. I was trying to explain to her the wonders of lobbying and how it can lead to moral relativism…. Like for instance, legislation put forth in Georgia to ban people from smoking in their cars while their children are passengers. This sounds all well and good. I doubt many people are pro second had smoke. But its not really about that. It’s about personal freedom. Same with tanning booths.
  
  My coworker said that tanning causes cancer and is therefore bad. I asked her if she had empirical evidence proving this. She said that anything with UV rays causes cancer and therefore, tanning bed cause cancer. I asked her if she had a medical degree. She said no. And I let her know that there are doctors who believe that people can exponentially benefit from tanning booths and that until she gets her fuckin doctorate she can shove it. Additionally its not about cancer. It never is. It’s about business. Those who have money and use that money to protect their sources of income. Its about arguing around the point, talking about life liberty and the pursuit of happiness rather than melanoma. No one ever got rich by being a bleeding heart…. Wars are profitable… and not popular… but I guess when you’re in it for the money, who really gives a fuck about popularity contests.
  
  
• I don’t mind not being spoiled… I do mind lack of consideration. If I have a bad day, it’s nice if someone gives a fuck and it’s not nice when people make it apparent that they don’t give a hot damn. I deserve more than the bare minimum of attention required to keep me from leaving.
  
  
• Tank of Gas to drive to NJ…. 50 dollars
  Hanging at my brother’s friends house and watchin them get drunk…. Free.
  Being 2 drunk to eat my Wawa sandwich …… 5 dollars
  Having my brothers friends drop enough dimes on him so that I have blackmail fodder for the rest of his life…. Priceless……
  
  This is fat bear, tired from the long trip. And yes. I keep hot sauce in my cup holder. Fuck off.
  
  
• Threesomes (while in the confines of a committed relationship) never work out….. Consider this:
  Boyfriend/Girlfriend with male guest:
  (If you’re the boyfriend) You just watched your girlfriend suck another mans dick… Not positive.
  (If you’re the girlfriend) Im not sure what your boyfriend did with that guy but I’m sure you’ll never look at him the same.
  
  Boyfriend/Girlfriend with female guest:
  (If you’re the boyfriend) Your girlfriend could decide that she prefers women to you…..
  (If you’re the girlfriend) You now have a whole new set of bullshit to be paranoid about…
  
  
• Tip….. If you need one Pregnancy test…. Do the smart thing, invest in the Value pack. You save on price per unit and the fact of the matter is, if you’ve needed one pregnancy test….. you’ll probably need another one in the future….
  
  
  
• You know those clipboard kids? The ones who ask you if you have a minute for the environment…. One of them was in Dupont askin “Do you have a minute for Obama?” Those kids are for sale, I’m telling you. We could have em saying anything like “Do you have a minute for the legalization of Meth?”
  
  
• My sex window is 40 minutes to an hour and a half. Anything more than that is just cruel and unusual punishment. And honestly that window is 20 to 40 minutes after 2am…. I get tired.
  
  
• It would be really strange if I ended up getting Shot in a neighborhood other than my own… cuz they stay bustin out that junt.
  
  
• I bought this at Target the other day:
  
  I only realized it looked real trifling once it was time to pay….
  
  
• Open Letter to Wawa
  
  Dear Wawa,
  I love you. And not in that healthy, mutually respectful kinda way....I'm obsessed with you.... I dream of your clean aisles and your most wonderful delicious, handmade sandwiches.... When my boyfriend isn't looking, I sneak off to see you and indulge in our late night, sinful renedevous..... I cannot help but feel guilty, and yet I come back every time...... Wawa I heart you..... (And if you run into Cigarettes, please relay the exact same message, minus the part about the aisles and sandwiches.... Thanks!)
  
  And finally
  
  Things that were said and heard.
  
  • Dan: Netta -Men dont always rely on looks, u know
    Netta: looks, marginal convo and a vicious head game'll do.... wit
    lotsa saliva.... and 2 hands...
    Dan: HEY!!!
    Netta: what
    Dan: WHERE DO YOU FIND UR INFO FROM!
    WHO IS UR SOURCE! i jus need looks and head game
    no sex and no convo
    
    
  • Q: What’s your definition of Vagina?
    A: That’s where women make yeast
    
    
  • IT IS NOT A COMIC BOOK!!!! It is a MOTHERFUCKING Graphic novel!!!!
    
    
  • Slot machines are the Crack cocaine of gambling (I love cabbies and their Christian radio stations)
    
    
  • I lick you, you cum..... I didn’t just say that did i?
    
    
  • Don't go to Mexico... There’s too many Mexicans there.
    
    
  • Are there any white AKAs?

The end… Wish me luck cuz I think I’m losin it.