Transvestite Prostitutes, the Parliament-Funkadelics, using the Little Toilet, and my crusade against the Toilet Lid.

My fans are weird. Which is why I love them and regularly reprint their fan mail.

I received this:

Your last blog was July 17, 2008,3:36 PM... You started off saying "Jeanetta thinks her pills have stopped working…. Therefore she is depressed."

So... Please don't be dead, and if you are... please come back to life... I really love your blog... it's like crack... again... I don't know what crack is like... So it's like sushi... and I eats that shit like 3 times a week... And if I don't have my sushi... I gets grumpy... So... when I curse this son of a bitch out that keeps emailing me about his fuck up on his computer, and is mad because I have better things to do than come fix it... not to mention there are plenty of other men in the office that can do that shit... but because I am the only black girl in here he always ask me... and semi-sexually harasses me in the process... I'm going to slap him upside the head with stapler... and when I have to explain to a judge why I bead the dog shit out of someone with a stapler... you Miss Brown, YOU ARE GOING TO BE THE REASON...

So... Please write soon...

Your biggest stalker... I mean fan,

Therefore I write. Enjoyssssss.

• Things white people do that annoy me:
  
  • Mentioning their one black friend
    
  • Walking slow as shit, and or takin up lots of room in general BITCH Im busy! MOOOOOVE!
    
  • Having loud ass conversations about the dumb shit that happened at their job like anyone gives a damn
    
  • Talk about this "ghetto" ass neighborhood that they were driving through the other day. (Cuz when you say ghetto, you really mean excessively black or Hispanic. I’m not stupid....)
    
  • Giving shit acronyms for no reason (ATL -Ann Taylor Loft, CPK- California Pizza Kitchen).
    
  • Living in condos in shitty ass neighborhoods that are newly gentrified and talking about all the positive (aka white) changes to the community.
    
  • Saying things that make you sound like you “with it”.
    
  • You can't say the n word. Period. No, I'm not your Nigga.... EVER.
  
  
  
  
  
• Roomie and I hypothesized that having sex burns less calories than giving head (especially if you really get into it).... So I used this calorie calculator.....
  20 minutes of foreplay (35 calories burned)*
  40 minutes of sex (205 calories burned)
  So a total of 240 calories
  Hmmm….not bad, until you think about how many calories are in food......
  For example, Honey Mustard Snack Wrap® (Grilled) has 260 calories…. .....
  
  
  Kinda puts everything into perspective.... To really burn anything you'd need to fuck while running on a treadmill. The Paxton’s, Blog man and the Pittsburgh bandit logistically determined that the only way to do this is to prop the female up on the control panel and just run at her with a hard dick. I realized that out of all the people in the conversation, only The Paxton’s, were likely to ever actually attempt it, tho Giles would keep it a secret and Chris would tell everyone about his treadmill sexcapades.
  
  Sidenote Shopping burns 173 calories an hour. And I'm sure you could double that if you did Vigorous shopping...... I'm just saying.... Something to think about.
  * Calories expended are dependent upon weight and therefore all of my calculations are based on a 160 lb woman….. cuz…. Well, that’s me…
  
  
  
  
• This one time Eve and I were at the mall. I went to the bathroom.... Only I was only able to locate the Family restroom.
  
  
  
  Fuck it.... So I go into the toilet section and it looked like this
  
  
  
  Okay, I'm game. But the grown up toilet was stopped up with a tampon, and I really had to go.... So I used the little toilet....
  
  
  
  Then Eve called me and was like "Where are you?"
  I said: "The family restroom. Where are you?"
  Eve: "The real restroom...."
  Me: "Oh..... Well come over here, they gots a microwave and SpongeBob playing and really comfy chairs...."
  
  Lesson learned: the Family restroom is like a mini apt (If I was homeless, I’d totally crash there) and sometimes you gotta use the little toilet.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• This one time:
  This one time my cousin, E and myself went to find the Parliament-Funkadelic..... This was of course another Bacardi night.... E’s aunt was messing with one of the members and there was a hotel party.... So we devised the follow plan - dress in tiny dresses, loiter in the lobby of this hotel, pretend to be escorts, get invited upstairs and once we got up there, threaten to call the cops unless they smoked with us (not the best plan, Bacardi makes us dumb). So we get in the Taurus and head out. End up on Pennsylvania Ave. (Did I mention that we had no idea what hotel it was at?) We met some New York guys who wanted to have a Private hotel party with us and tried to offer us more alcohol, until loudly insisted that we were drunk enough. Got back in the car and ended up behind a Texaco (I think), car still running, jumped out, and went behind it to go pee…. And then we ran into the Transvestite prostitute. So I ask her kindly if she will watch the car and she says yes… I say “Thanks girl" (cuz I like to make transvestites feel included.) and we peed… Headed back to the car we see “her” arguing with a Trick…. She says "Girl, he sitting here being cheap, to which I reply, "FUCK THAT!!!" And hop in the car… and off we go. And that is the Transvestite prostitute/Parliament-Funkadelic story….
  
  
  
  
• Toilet lids: I was asked the other day, to put down the toilet lid in the bathroom…. Not the seat mind you, cuz I have no penis and therefore do not raise the seat… no. The lid. I protest….. and these are my reasons.
  
  1. Lids are wholly decorative, unless you have babies or small animals, as I am told that both are apt to attempt to drink toilet water.
     
  2. If I leave the lid down and stumble into the bathroom in a sleepy haze, I can/will accidently pee on the lid and consequently the floor. Because, why, in the name of sweet baby Jesus would you put the lid down (unless you have the aforementioned babies or small animals).
     
  3. A toilet is unfunctional with the lid down. At least the toilet seat does something. Up men use it… Down I use it… Neither of us can use it when the lid is down….
     
  4. Im a big believer in picking your battles. Of all the things someone could ask me to change…Is the toilet lid what keeps you up at night? I think not…..
     Thus my toilet lid rebellion continues. In the name of all that is freedom, democracy and the American way. (I use is freedom, democracy and the American way to justify just about everything. Especially public urination, because with all the taxes that I pay and all, is it really freedom if I can’t piss when I need to…. I DON’T THINK SO!)
  
  
  
  
  
• This was a conversation I overheard on the bus and had to write down.:
  Late 30s lady no 1: Damn, I been dodging his ass all week. He sweet as shit but he can't lay the pipe
  Late 30s lady no 2: Teach him!
  Late 30s lady no 1: Teach him? Shit. That man is 54 years olds. The ones that got the money can’t lay the pipe. Ones that aint got shit blow yo mind. He wants me to be his woman. I can’t be yo woman! Id Cheat on you every chance I get.
  Truer words were never spoken.
  
  In college this guy asked me if he was small. The conversation went as follows:
  He said : Netta?
  Me: Yeah?
  Him: Am I small
  Me: NOOOOO Why would you ask something like that?
  Him: I was messin with this girl and she told me it was small.
  Me: NOOOOOO. Its not huge but its not small. Plus it does other things. Like curve to the left. Its fine.
  Him: Okay. Thanks.
  (This conversation actually precipitated sex and was very awkward to say the least… Truth is…. It was small. But he had managed to live completely oblivious to this fact for 25 years. It was easier to discredit this one broad than to suffer through a lengthy discussion in which he questioned his entire sexual history….. so I lied. Sue me. I hate lies and lying, as outlined by the “To tell the truth, blindfolded I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference” blog… but shit, I gotta do what I gotta do.

My job drives me crazy so I have opted for the baby animal approach. This is now my desktop background, cuz who can be filled with silent festering rage while looking at big headed baby bunnies….. yay bunnies….

I shall commence with working.... unfortunately.... (extreme sadface.)