Shit i say at work, cuz im too lazy-busy to blog. (my supervisor writes these down)
Who likes Jell-o? It’s just juice that jiggles.” 5/24/2010
“Is there a movie about invisible sharks? Cause we should make one.Think how cheap it’d be!” 5/26/2010
“If I lived in a village, I’m sure they’d, like, put me down. They’dbe, like, ‘you’re too weird to live.’” 5/26/2010
“It is better . . . to have eaten . . . and lost . . . . than to never have eaten at all.” 5/27/2010
“. . . I was just thinkin’ you’d make a horrible woman. I mean, evenif you shaved the beard, you’d still be too lazy to gussy it up.”5/27/2010
“I love bar codes. I’ma bar code my kids. ‘It’s 10:00 pm, do youknow where your kids are?’ *Bloop!* Got ‘em!” 5/28/2010
“Wouldn’t it be great, like, if you had a friend who could pop-lockreal well, and you get them drunk and put them in a cow suit and madethem pop-lock for you?” 6/2/2010 (Ed: This was entirely unsolicitedand unrelated to anything that was going on).
“If there were giant hamsters, they would look like you . . . . . . Ithink that’s a compliment.” 6/8/2010
“I like your hair! It says ‘business in the back, party in thefront.’ It’s, like, a reverse mullet.” 6/8/2010
“We should have, like, one day a month where we get you a cheap shirt,like, a cheap hand-me-down shirt, like, five people had it before youkinda shirt, and then you’ll just Hulk out of it. ‘Cause really, whodoesn’t wanna just Hulk outta stuff? I think it’d be even better ifit was a Members Only jacket, cause then you gotta find a Members Onlyjacket, then you gotta . . .” 6/14/2010 (Ed: Totally unrelated to anyprevious conversation. This was the beginning of the conversation.)
(Ed: With regard to the above). “. . . It was related to theconversation going on in my head . . .” 6/14/2010
(Ed: In response to being whistled at on the street). “I was supposedto go out tonight, and I was supposed to change and put on heels and ajacket and all, but I feel like this outfit’s workin’ for me.”6/15/2010.
“You know what I wish? That I had legions of tiny, tiny penguins todo my bidding. They’d be really small. They’d nip at your ankles.You’d be in constant fear. What are you doing? Are you writing thisdown?” 6/15/2010
“It’s times like these I wish I had those f#!*in’ penguins.” 6/15/2010
J: “Well now I know that, and knowing’s half the battle.”Me: “You know it ‘cause I figured it out!”J: “Figuring it out was the other half of the battle . . .” 6/22/2010
“I need to get you a bobblyhead doll. It’d be you, but bobblyhead . .. . . . . . er than you are.” 6/22/2010
“I googled ‘evil slinky’ hoping to get a picture of a slinky with evileyes on it, but nothing came up . . . . it’s not unreasonable . . . .. maybe I googled it wrong.” 6/23/2010
(11:08 AM) jbrown: i is happy today. I woke up and put on pants andwas like "YEAH. A.M. AND I GOT PANTS ON!!!!!" 6/23/2010
“. . . you’re like if a hamster decided to stand on two legs, and beevil . . .” 6/24/2010
J: “What’s the patron saint of prostitutes?”Me, googling: “St. Nick.”J: “Yeah it is. Ho, ho, ho . . .” 6/30/10
“You ever get so tired that you just wanna end your life, just ‘causeit seems like a really long nap? Not like life isn’t great, or I’msad, but just ‘cause I’d get to sleep for a long time if I suicided.”6/30/10
“What’s wrong with thanking oxygen? You need it . . . . it’s there .. . . need met!” 7/1/10
“I look at it this way: I’m sleep deprived, I’m a little hungover, I’mmasking it with electrolyte pills, but I’m not in Queens, and I haveall my limbs. You just gotta look at it that way.” 7/1/10
“I’m waiting for my ‘real New York experince’ when I get roofied.When does that happen?” 7/1/10. Ed: (There were air quotes. Yesthere were.)
“Why does everything revolve around alcohol? I’m serious! It hurts.No one’s taking that into account . . . .the pain. I gotta learn howto turn down a drink.” 7/1/10
“I’m not from Jersey, but when in Rome, listen to dance music and fistpump.” 7/1/10
“Between tequila, Cinco de Mayo, and piñatas, I heart Mexico.Blatantly.” 7/2/10
“(11:49 AM) jbrown: gettin funky on these drives like an old batch ofcollard greens.” 7/2/10
Me: “You always lose your blackberry.”J: “No I don’t! It’s on my sheep.” 7/2/10
“I’d make a crappy Tina Turner. My hair doesn’t get big enough.” 7/6/10
“I’m so glad you’re here and alive. You’re should work on stayingthat way fer, like, forever. Put that on your to-do-list. ‘Stayalive.’ . . . . sweet infant baby Jesus, where’s my stapler . . . ”7/6/10
“If hard drives killed you, I’d put you on a dolly and wheel youaround with sunglasses on, like Weekend at Bernie’s. If it worked ina 1980’s movie, why wouldn’t it work in real life? I think we all sawMannequin . . . . valuable life lessons.” Pause. “How did they havea Weekend at Bernie’s 2? He could only die once.” 7/7/10
(Ed: Related to nothing) “You could fill a piñata with gummi bears,right? You’d just have to make sure it’s not too hot out.” 7/7/10
J: “Why’s your rice so orange? Is it arroz con a l’orange?”Me: “That’s two languages and 3 kinds o’ crazy.”J: “Yeah, but you understood it.” 7/13/10
“You know what accounting is like? A math sorority . . .” 7/13/10
“I’ve started to expound on the crazy. It’s no longer just soundbites of crazy.” 7/13/10
“I also hate all black and white movies. I’m, like, get some color upin that piece. My opinion is valid! It’s just as valid as critics’and -ologists’.” 7/13/10
“Sometimes you just have to have a baby by Lil’ Wayne. Sometimes it’sjust what you have to do today.” 7/14/10
(Ed: During a discussion of electrolyte pills and their curativeeffects on hangovers). “It cuts it by a good solid 50%. Instead ofwaking up and wishing for death, you wake up and wish for . . . morewater.” 7/15/10
“I don’t trust the elderly, kids, or puppies. Tryin’ to get by oncuteness, then all of a sudden they’re a zombie, biting your neck.You’re like ‘oh, you’re cute . . . oh wait’.” 7/15/10
“I look at it like this: You can save the children, but what worldare you saving them for? There’re zombies! They can’t play outside,there’s zombies out there! And old people? They’re gonna becrazy-strong old people zombies.” 7/15/10
“My cat lost her couch, ‘cause we’re renovating, so now she justsprawls out on cardboard boxes like a hobo cat. That’s what you getfor takin’ shit for granted, hobo cat!” 7/15/10
“I wanna buy a baby lamb. I’d Little-Bo-Peep the hell outta thatshit.” 7/15/10
“We should play a . . . aww, we’re at work. I was gonna say we shouldmake a drinking game out of it.Stupid work. Spoils everything.” 7/16/10
“Hey John. One day, you’re gonna have kids. One day, you’re gonnahave to teach those kids to drive. I hope you’re ready for it. Did Ijust mess up your Tuesday? Sorry!” 7/20/10
“I wear my glasses to drive, because they make things clear, but whenI’m walking around the city I don’t wear them, because things arecrazy, and I wanna keep that shit fuzzy.” 7/20/10
“I like to use captions while I watch TV so I can use both sides of mybrain; the smart side, and the dumb side. ‘Cause, not only did I seethat shit, I read it.” 7/21/10
(Ed: The following is a selection of chats received via BlackberryMessenger while the editor was on vacation for a week. All spellingand punctuation is accurate.)
Did you get me a Space Otter?
Aaaaallllllllllll by MMMMMYYyyself
Whatcha eattttin
By the mighty power of RAED and his magical dolphins, I swear, iffin Idon’t get an otter imam hold my breath until I die!
Its soooooooooo lame here. Theyres no you or otters? Or hamsters and shit
M pan ada
Wish I had a Muppet. Sadface.
“I plague you with a curse of babies.” 8/2/2010
(Ed: Related to the above) “Every time you dash my hopes, they swim10% faster. Just think about that. Keep dashin, mother@*$#er . . .”8/2/2010
“We could coat you in Cheez Whiz and call you Senor Cheez Whiz.Y’know?” – 8/5/2010
(Ed: Regarding the editor.) “The fact that he doesn’t live somewherein a cabin somewhere, plotting against the world, constantly shocksme. He’s got the facial hair, and the woodworking, and the randomskills. I should probably get off the phone, though, ‘cause he’sprobably writing this all down. All’s I’m sayin’ is I can see it. Ifhe starts getting’ disgruntled . . .” 8/5/2010
“So says Whoopi. Yes, I have taken to watching The View. Don’t judgeme. When menopause comes, I’ll be ready.” 8/6/2010
(Ed: The following is a selection of chats received via BlackberryMessenger while the subject was on vacation for three days. Allspelling and punctuation is accurate.)
Ipoached a egg. Imma eats it. Imma eats it good
2 things I learned today. Cold case is a horrible tv show and peoplecan eat Beggin strips. Yep. I keep you up on facts
If you think about it, we all really kinda resemble gerbils and hamsters
I really think you should invest some time in learning to breakdance
“I had a boyfriend who left a didgeridoo by the door, and I was like,“you’ve got to go.” Who leaves a didgeridoo at someone’s house?”8/16/10
“When you scratch it, it spreads. Knowledge I learned from AdamSandler movies. *Thumbs Up*.” 8/16/2010
“I just don’t think I should be the only one subjected to the crazythat’s in my head. I think a) it should be shared, and b) I shouldn’tbe the only one.” 8/18/2010
“I lost five pounds, like by accident. That’s creepy. I could havethe tape of the worm.” 8/19/2010
“Ow. I have chest pain. I felt like a tiny monkey paw had gripped mychest. The heart part. The bottom ventricle. And it squeezed. Butthen it let go. Who really needs a ventricle?” 8/20/2010
“So, yesterday I tried to buy an evil monkey paw on the internet. Whywould they not sell that?” 8/24/2010
“Do you think 1,000 dollars is too much to invest in a monkey paw?What if it grants me three wishes? Three eeeeeeevil wishes?”8/24/2010
“People are people, but if I cut you up and put you in a sandwich,it’d be meat. It’d be a you sandwich. You would needmaaadtenderizer. Unless I put you in a slow-cooker. But where wouldI get a crockpot? I don’t eat meat!” 8/24/2010
“I wish I had a human sized burrito.” Ponder. “It couldn’t feed theworld . . . but it could feed a lotta people.” 8/25/2010
(Ed: If she were a fruit or vegetable, what kind of fruit or vegetablewould she be) “A pineapple. Confounding . . . and delicious! Like,I can’t eat your center! What’s up with that? Also, it’s myfavorite.” 8/25/2010
“It’d be cool to be a waitress for a week. ‘Cause everything Idropped off I can say, ‘you just got served!’ But only for a week.”8/25/2010
J: “You know what I wish? I wish that one day you could pop up and beBilly Zane. Just for one day. You could wish I was somebody else forjust one day, too.”Me: ”Why Billy Zane?”J: “Why not Billy Zane? When is he not awesome? I guess you could beGhost Ship.”Me: “Is that even a person?”J: “That’s a movie. But seriously, how many movies do you know aboutships? Titanic and Ghost Ship. Of all the movies about ships, GhostShip is definitely in the top 5.”Me: “You just told me there are 2 movies about ships, and that it’s inthe top 5.”J: “Well if there’s only 2, then it’s gotta be in the top 5. Theyshould really make more movies about ships.” 8/30/2010
(Ed: Regarding the fact that she uses other people’s CVS cards.) “Youshould see the points they get me. Off the chain! They must havekids. Or that stuff. Athlete’s foot.” 8/30/2010
(Ed: With regard to strange banging noises in the office.) “We shouldjust wander the halls with a flashlight and Nancy Drew this out.”8/31/2010
“There’s things outsides. Like bugs, and oxygen, and New Yorkers.Not so much oxygen, more New Yorkers.” 9/1/2010
(3:15 PM) jbrown: Mi nombre es Jeanetta. Yo como espanol y quierobueno espanol mas(3:15 PM) jshumway: My name is Jeanetta. I eat spanish and want goodspanish more.
“If you were a puppy and you had sneakers, you’d be trying to chew onthem, that’s how much no good you’re up to. I’d put you in a cone ofshame. You’d get the cone.” 9/1/2010
(4:23 PM) jbrown: did you know i was gonna drive you thiiiiiis crazy tho.(4:23 PM) jbrown: basic crazy.... okay. but this is like premuim crazy(4:24 PM) jbrown: like cable
“I wish Jackie Chan was here.” 9/2/2010
“I wish I had a lemur.” 9/2/2010
“I wish the Swedish Chef would do a version of Eye of the Tiger.*Bloop, bloop boop bloop*.” 9/2/2010
“You know what I hate? Alien abductions. You wanna swoop down inyour flying saucer, snatch me up, experiment on me? Do I come to yourhouse, experiment on you? You should call first. That’s rude. Theleast they could do is call. What if I was in the middle of somethingimportant? We couldn’t have a time that would be mutually agreeable,so they don’t have to interrupt my whole life? “ 9/3/2010
“I wish I was a Canadian sitcom. I’d say ‘aboot.’ And ‘soorry.’” 9/3/2010
“If I have to continue to pop my collar to shake these hatas off,you’re gonna owe me a new collar.” 9/7/2010
(Ed: Regarding noises upstairs in the office.) “You should justignore it. You clearly did not live in enough apartments as a kid.Unless I hear a scream and a thud . . . and then I’d call from apayphone, cause I don’t wanna be a witness. There’s no winnin’ inbein’ a whatchamacalit . . . ‘witness’.” 9/7/2010
“The force is strong within me, and the will is weak within you. Youwill fall to the dark side, and I will get a cool hat.” 9/8/2010
“You’re like a penguin . . . friendly . . . but coooooldd.” 9/8/2010
“You definitely can’t barbeque a panda at the zoo. Someone wouldcapture you.” 9/9/2010
“I would tell you, but you would just judge me. With your eyebrows.Wispy peaks of evil.” 9/9/2010
“(4:29 PM) jbrown: am i the only one who perceives "open bar" to be apersonal consumption challenge?” 9/9/2010
“It’s like the bar ran up on me and called me a punk.” 9/9/2010
“It’s like you’re built to be someone’s suburban dad. Go get yourselfa house. Go. You need one. With a backyard and some swings.”9/10/2010
Me: “Do you want to go back to berating IT?”J: “I was kinda gettin’ into it . . .” 9/10/2010
(Ed: By BBM on a Sunday) “Itd be cool to fill a bathtub w squirrels.” 9/12/2010
“What’s that movie with the guy from 300 and Jennifer Aniston wherehe’s a bounty hunter? Maybe it’s The Bounty Hunter . . .” 9/13/2010
“If I had an ice pick . . . . . .” 9/13/2010
(Ed: By BBM) “I donbt think abe lincoln liked the ladies” 9/14/2010
“I want to LOL on that panda’s face. I’m just sayin’ . . .” 9/14/2010
J: “You know what, John?”Me: “What?”J: “. . . I didn’t really have a follow-up to that . . .” 9/14/2010
“This book smells good. You wanna smell it? No really, it does. Youknow that smell that books have? One day they won’t have that smellanymore. They’ll have, like, Kindle, and the internets. It’ll belike audio cassettes. Where do you even play them in? And won’t themusic be warbly? Tapes were not good. That’s probably why they’regone . . .” 9/15/2010
“Your face is a wookie-bear.” Pause. “That didn’t sound right.” 9/16/2010
“I get ignorant and thoughty when I get drunk.” 9/20/2010
“I say thoughtful statements of awesome.” 9/20/2010
J: “I gotta see the second one of those, ‘cause I saw the first one,and I liked it. It had pants, and they travelled.”Me: “I couldn’t’ve gotten that from the title?”J: “Shut up! I like pants! And travelling! And it’s kind of asisterhood! You like pants, too. You wear them every day. You alsolike travelling. But you’re indifferent towards sisterhood. Still,that’s 2 out of 3. You should watch it.” 9/20/2010
One day long after Im dead, people will realize my genius. Ill be inbooks and shit like Aesop and his fables. 10/5/2010
I wish I could talk to cars. 10/6/2010
J: Is today Tuesday?Me: Todays Wednesday.J: You know what tomorrow is?Me: Thursday?J: Yeah it is! 10/6/2010
Burt Reynolds has a Tom Selek mustache, which I think means that,technically, Tom Selek has a Burt Reynolds mustache. Woah. 10/7/2010
So I can badger them later with violence. And badgers. 10/7/2010
That was creepy. It reminded me of the movie Fame. 10/7/2010
(2:54 PM) jbrown: How do you even celebrate columbus day? run up onsomeone, rob them and give them syphillis? i mean cinco de mayo couldget you accidentally shot but at least it gets you drunk, gives youcandy and a hat first. 10/7/2010
Ima eat these cream puffs like they owe me money . . . 10/8/2010
(Ed: regard the editor not talking.) I wish you would hush up with allthat quiet. 10/8/2010
(Whispered). Joooohn. Guess what. Im pretty fly for a white guy. 10/12/10
I am too precious for this world. Too precious! 10/13/2010
(Ed: the following was because the editor was ignoring J)
J: If you were my neighbor, Id call the cops on you.Me: Why?J: Really, it would be because youre anti-social, but Id tell the copsthere was a funny smell. Some of my threats are idle, but this onesfor reallss. And then the news crews would come later and Id say Heseemed so nice, you woulda never seen it coming. Who would play me inyour Lifetime movie? This is all contingent upon them actuallyfinding something. Otherwise its just me making crank calls.10/13/2010
Pandas wrestle, right? I mean, like, for fun, not for money. 10/13/2010
J: Im done for today.Me: Today jumped the shark in the last 10 minutes.J: It was a whole cluster of sharks! We jumped all the sharks, and nowwere over the moon! 10/13/2010
I wish I had a lobster. Not to eat. Just to hang out. 10/18/2010
Some days youre the hamster, some days youre the wheel. 10/19/2010
Tweed jackets you can get real cheap. English teachers die every day. 10/26/2010
Me and the west coast dont seem to get along. Them mofos is too laidback, son. I like my people a little more hostile than that. 10/29/10
I saw a hipster the other day with a teardrop tattoo, and I gotconfused and just decided to move on with my life. I was like, Yourpants are so tight. Who did you kill? 10/29/10
You look indifferent. I should make a mask. It would be a mask ofyou giving a damn. Pause. It would really just look like the BurgerKing. 10/29/10
Why dont people play beer pong at brunch? It seems reasonable. 11/3/2010
(Ed: The truest thing ever said . . .)I was talking to my friend and we decided that hes the Jack Donaghy tomy Liz Lemon, but youre the Liz Lemon to my Tracy Morgan. Maybe TracyMorgan and Jenna, both. 11/3/2010
The fact that I do not have a lamb is starting to piss me off. 11/16/2010
They just banned Four Loko! How did they get that through that fast?You know how long it took em to get through healthcare?! The wheelsof justice are slow except sometimes, why couldnt this be one of thosetimes! 11/17/2010
I guess youre never too young for white hair. Its genetics. Thinksfor a moment. Points to self. Jeannetics!
“Is there a movie about invisible sharks? Cause we should make one.Think how cheap it’d be!” 5/26/2010
“If I lived in a village, I’m sure they’d, like, put me down. They’dbe, like, ‘you’re too weird to live.’” 5/26/2010
“It is better . . . to have eaten . . . and lost . . . . than to never have eaten at all.” 5/27/2010
“. . . I was just thinkin’ you’d make a horrible woman. I mean, evenif you shaved the beard, you’d still be too lazy to gussy it up.”5/27/2010
“I love bar codes. I’ma bar code my kids. ‘It’s 10:00 pm, do youknow where your kids are?’ *Bloop!* Got ‘em!” 5/28/2010
“Wouldn’t it be great, like, if you had a friend who could pop-lockreal well, and you get them drunk and put them in a cow suit and madethem pop-lock for you?” 6/2/2010 (Ed: This was entirely unsolicitedand unrelated to anything that was going on).
“If there were giant hamsters, they would look like you . . . . . . Ithink that’s a compliment.” 6/8/2010
“I like your hair! It says ‘business in the back, party in thefront.’ It’s, like, a reverse mullet.” 6/8/2010
“We should have, like, one day a month where we get you a cheap shirt,like, a cheap hand-me-down shirt, like, five people had it before youkinda shirt, and then you’ll just Hulk out of it. ‘Cause really, whodoesn’t wanna just Hulk outta stuff? I think it’d be even better ifit was a Members Only jacket, cause then you gotta find a Members Onlyjacket, then you gotta . . .” 6/14/2010 (Ed: Totally unrelated to anyprevious conversation. This was the beginning of the conversation.)
(Ed: With regard to the above). “. . . It was related to theconversation going on in my head . . .” 6/14/2010
(Ed: In response to being whistled at on the street). “I was supposedto go out tonight, and I was supposed to change and put on heels and ajacket and all, but I feel like this outfit’s workin’ for me.”6/15/2010.
“You know what I wish? That I had legions of tiny, tiny penguins todo my bidding. They’d be really small. They’d nip at your ankles.You’d be in constant fear. What are you doing? Are you writing thisdown?” 6/15/2010
“It’s times like these I wish I had those f#!*in’ penguins.” 6/15/2010
J: “Well now I know that, and knowing’s half the battle.”Me: “You know it ‘cause I figured it out!”J: “Figuring it out was the other half of the battle . . .” 6/22/2010
“I need to get you a bobblyhead doll. It’d be you, but bobblyhead . .. . . . . . er than you are.” 6/22/2010
“I googled ‘evil slinky’ hoping to get a picture of a slinky with evileyes on it, but nothing came up . . . . it’s not unreasonable . . . .. maybe I googled it wrong.” 6/23/2010
(11:08 AM) jbrown: i is happy today. I woke up and put on pants andwas like "YEAH. A.M. AND I GOT PANTS ON!!!!!" 6/23/2010
“. . . you’re like if a hamster decided to stand on two legs, and beevil . . .” 6/24/2010
J: “What’s the patron saint of prostitutes?”Me, googling: “St. Nick.”J: “Yeah it is. Ho, ho, ho . . .” 6/30/10
“You ever get so tired that you just wanna end your life, just ‘causeit seems like a really long nap? Not like life isn’t great, or I’msad, but just ‘cause I’d get to sleep for a long time if I suicided.”6/30/10
“What’s wrong with thanking oxygen? You need it . . . . it’s there .. . . need met!” 7/1/10
“I look at it this way: I’m sleep deprived, I’m a little hungover, I’mmasking it with electrolyte pills, but I’m not in Queens, and I haveall my limbs. You just gotta look at it that way.” 7/1/10
“I’m waiting for my ‘real New York experince’ when I get roofied.When does that happen?” 7/1/10. Ed: (There were air quotes. Yesthere were.)
“Why does everything revolve around alcohol? I’m serious! It hurts.No one’s taking that into account . . . .the pain. I gotta learn howto turn down a drink.” 7/1/10
“I’m not from Jersey, but when in Rome, listen to dance music and fistpump.” 7/1/10
“Between tequila, Cinco de Mayo, and piñatas, I heart Mexico.Blatantly.” 7/2/10
“(11:49 AM) jbrown: gettin funky on these drives like an old batch ofcollard greens.” 7/2/10
Me: “You always lose your blackberry.”J: “No I don’t! It’s on my sheep.” 7/2/10
“I’d make a crappy Tina Turner. My hair doesn’t get big enough.” 7/6/10
“I’m so glad you’re here and alive. You’re should work on stayingthat way fer, like, forever. Put that on your to-do-list. ‘Stayalive.’ . . . . sweet infant baby Jesus, where’s my stapler . . . ”7/6/10
“If hard drives killed you, I’d put you on a dolly and wheel youaround with sunglasses on, like Weekend at Bernie’s. If it worked ina 1980’s movie, why wouldn’t it work in real life? I think we all sawMannequin . . . . valuable life lessons.” Pause. “How did they havea Weekend at Bernie’s 2? He could only die once.” 7/7/10
(Ed: Related to nothing) “You could fill a piñata with gummi bears,right? You’d just have to make sure it’s not too hot out.” 7/7/10
J: “Why’s your rice so orange? Is it arroz con a l’orange?”Me: “That’s two languages and 3 kinds o’ crazy.”J: “Yeah, but you understood it.” 7/13/10
“You know what accounting is like? A math sorority . . .” 7/13/10
“I’ve started to expound on the crazy. It’s no longer just soundbites of crazy.” 7/13/10
“I also hate all black and white movies. I’m, like, get some color upin that piece. My opinion is valid! It’s just as valid as critics’and -ologists’.” 7/13/10
“Sometimes you just have to have a baby by Lil’ Wayne. Sometimes it’sjust what you have to do today.” 7/14/10
(Ed: During a discussion of electrolyte pills and their curativeeffects on hangovers). “It cuts it by a good solid 50%. Instead ofwaking up and wishing for death, you wake up and wish for . . . morewater.” 7/15/10
“I don’t trust the elderly, kids, or puppies. Tryin’ to get by oncuteness, then all of a sudden they’re a zombie, biting your neck.You’re like ‘oh, you’re cute . . . oh wait’.” 7/15/10
“I look at it like this: You can save the children, but what worldare you saving them for? There’re zombies! They can’t play outside,there’s zombies out there! And old people? They’re gonna becrazy-strong old people zombies.” 7/15/10
“My cat lost her couch, ‘cause we’re renovating, so now she justsprawls out on cardboard boxes like a hobo cat. That’s what you getfor takin’ shit for granted, hobo cat!” 7/15/10
“I wanna buy a baby lamb. I’d Little-Bo-Peep the hell outta thatshit.” 7/15/10
“We should play a . . . aww, we’re at work. I was gonna say we shouldmake a drinking game out of it.Stupid work. Spoils everything.” 7/16/10
“Hey John. One day, you’re gonna have kids. One day, you’re gonnahave to teach those kids to drive. I hope you’re ready for it. Did Ijust mess up your Tuesday? Sorry!” 7/20/10
“I wear my glasses to drive, because they make things clear, but whenI’m walking around the city I don’t wear them, because things arecrazy, and I wanna keep that shit fuzzy.” 7/20/10
“I like to use captions while I watch TV so I can use both sides of mybrain; the smart side, and the dumb side. ‘Cause, not only did I seethat shit, I read it.” 7/21/10
(Ed: The following is a selection of chats received via BlackberryMessenger while the editor was on vacation for a week. All spellingand punctuation is accurate.)
Did you get me a Space Otter?
Aaaaallllllllllll by MMMMMYYyyself
Whatcha eattttin
By the mighty power of RAED and his magical dolphins, I swear, iffin Idon’t get an otter imam hold my breath until I die!
Its soooooooooo lame here. Theyres no you or otters? Or hamsters and shit
M pan ada
Wish I had a Muppet. Sadface.
“I plague you with a curse of babies.” 8/2/2010
(Ed: Related to the above) “Every time you dash my hopes, they swim10% faster. Just think about that. Keep dashin, mother@*$#er . . .”8/2/2010
“We could coat you in Cheez Whiz and call you Senor Cheez Whiz.Y’know?” – 8/5/2010
(Ed: Regarding the editor.) “The fact that he doesn’t live somewherein a cabin somewhere, plotting against the world, constantly shocksme. He’s got the facial hair, and the woodworking, and the randomskills. I should probably get off the phone, though, ‘cause he’sprobably writing this all down. All’s I’m sayin’ is I can see it. Ifhe starts getting’ disgruntled . . .” 8/5/2010
“So says Whoopi. Yes, I have taken to watching The View. Don’t judgeme. When menopause comes, I’ll be ready.” 8/6/2010
(Ed: The following is a selection of chats received via BlackberryMessenger while the subject was on vacation for three days. Allspelling and punctuation is accurate.)
Ipoached a egg. Imma eats it. Imma eats it good
2 things I learned today. Cold case is a horrible tv show and peoplecan eat Beggin strips. Yep. I keep you up on facts
If you think about it, we all really kinda resemble gerbils and hamsters
I really think you should invest some time in learning to breakdance
“I had a boyfriend who left a didgeridoo by the door, and I was like,“you’ve got to go.” Who leaves a didgeridoo at someone’s house?”8/16/10
“When you scratch it, it spreads. Knowledge I learned from AdamSandler movies. *Thumbs Up*.” 8/16/2010
“I just don’t think I should be the only one subjected to the crazythat’s in my head. I think a) it should be shared, and b) I shouldn’tbe the only one.” 8/18/2010
“I lost five pounds, like by accident. That’s creepy. I could havethe tape of the worm.” 8/19/2010
“Ow. I have chest pain. I felt like a tiny monkey paw had gripped mychest. The heart part. The bottom ventricle. And it squeezed. Butthen it let go. Who really needs a ventricle?” 8/20/2010
“So, yesterday I tried to buy an evil monkey paw on the internet. Whywould they not sell that?” 8/24/2010
“Do you think 1,000 dollars is too much to invest in a monkey paw?What if it grants me three wishes? Three eeeeeeevil wishes?”8/24/2010
“People are people, but if I cut you up and put you in a sandwich,it’d be meat. It’d be a you sandwich. You would needmaaadtenderizer. Unless I put you in a slow-cooker. But where wouldI get a crockpot? I don’t eat meat!” 8/24/2010
“I wish I had a human sized burrito.” Ponder. “It couldn’t feed theworld . . . but it could feed a lotta people.” 8/25/2010
(Ed: If she were a fruit or vegetable, what kind of fruit or vegetablewould she be) “A pineapple. Confounding . . . and delicious! Like,I can’t eat your center! What’s up with that? Also, it’s myfavorite.” 8/25/2010
“It’d be cool to be a waitress for a week. ‘Cause everything Idropped off I can say, ‘you just got served!’ But only for a week.”8/25/2010
J: “You know what I wish? I wish that one day you could pop up and beBilly Zane. Just for one day. You could wish I was somebody else forjust one day, too.”Me: ”Why Billy Zane?”J: “Why not Billy Zane? When is he not awesome? I guess you could beGhost Ship.”Me: “Is that even a person?”J: “That’s a movie. But seriously, how many movies do you know aboutships? Titanic and Ghost Ship. Of all the movies about ships, GhostShip is definitely in the top 5.”Me: “You just told me there are 2 movies about ships, and that it’s inthe top 5.”J: “Well if there’s only 2, then it’s gotta be in the top 5. Theyshould really make more movies about ships.” 8/30/2010
(Ed: Regarding the fact that she uses other people’s CVS cards.) “Youshould see the points they get me. Off the chain! They must havekids. Or that stuff. Athlete’s foot.” 8/30/2010
(Ed: With regard to strange banging noises in the office.) “We shouldjust wander the halls with a flashlight and Nancy Drew this out.”8/31/2010
“There’s things outsides. Like bugs, and oxygen, and New Yorkers.Not so much oxygen, more New Yorkers.” 9/1/2010
(3:15 PM) jbrown: Mi nombre es Jeanetta. Yo como espanol y quierobueno espanol mas(3:15 PM) jshumway: My name is Jeanetta. I eat spanish and want goodspanish more.
“If you were a puppy and you had sneakers, you’d be trying to chew onthem, that’s how much no good you’re up to. I’d put you in a cone ofshame. You’d get the cone.” 9/1/2010
(4:23 PM) jbrown: did you know i was gonna drive you thiiiiiis crazy tho.(4:23 PM) jbrown: basic crazy.... okay. but this is like premuim crazy(4:24 PM) jbrown: like cable
“I wish Jackie Chan was here.” 9/2/2010
“I wish I had a lemur.” 9/2/2010
“I wish the Swedish Chef would do a version of Eye of the Tiger.*Bloop, bloop boop bloop*.” 9/2/2010
“You know what I hate? Alien abductions. You wanna swoop down inyour flying saucer, snatch me up, experiment on me? Do I come to yourhouse, experiment on you? You should call first. That’s rude. Theleast they could do is call. What if I was in the middle of somethingimportant? We couldn’t have a time that would be mutually agreeable,so they don’t have to interrupt my whole life? “ 9/3/2010
“I wish I was a Canadian sitcom. I’d say ‘aboot.’ And ‘soorry.’” 9/3/2010
“If I have to continue to pop my collar to shake these hatas off,you’re gonna owe me a new collar.” 9/7/2010
(Ed: Regarding noises upstairs in the office.) “You should justignore it. You clearly did not live in enough apartments as a kid.Unless I hear a scream and a thud . . . and then I’d call from apayphone, cause I don’t wanna be a witness. There’s no winnin’ inbein’ a whatchamacalit . . . ‘witness’.” 9/7/2010
“The force is strong within me, and the will is weak within you. Youwill fall to the dark side, and I will get a cool hat.” 9/8/2010
“You’re like a penguin . . . friendly . . . but coooooldd.” 9/8/2010
“You definitely can’t barbeque a panda at the zoo. Someone wouldcapture you.” 9/9/2010
“I would tell you, but you would just judge me. With your eyebrows.Wispy peaks of evil.” 9/9/2010
“(4:29 PM) jbrown: am i the only one who perceives "open bar" to be apersonal consumption challenge?” 9/9/2010
“It’s like the bar ran up on me and called me a punk.” 9/9/2010
“It’s like you’re built to be someone’s suburban dad. Go get yourselfa house. Go. You need one. With a backyard and some swings.”9/10/2010
Me: “Do you want to go back to berating IT?”J: “I was kinda gettin’ into it . . .” 9/10/2010
(Ed: By BBM on a Sunday) “Itd be cool to fill a bathtub w squirrels.” 9/12/2010
“What’s that movie with the guy from 300 and Jennifer Aniston wherehe’s a bounty hunter? Maybe it’s The Bounty Hunter . . .” 9/13/2010
“If I had an ice pick . . . . . .” 9/13/2010
(Ed: By BBM) “I donbt think abe lincoln liked the ladies” 9/14/2010
“I want to LOL on that panda’s face. I’m just sayin’ . . .” 9/14/2010
J: “You know what, John?”Me: “What?”J: “. . . I didn’t really have a follow-up to that . . .” 9/14/2010
“This book smells good. You wanna smell it? No really, it does. Youknow that smell that books have? One day they won’t have that smellanymore. They’ll have, like, Kindle, and the internets. It’ll belike audio cassettes. Where do you even play them in? And won’t themusic be warbly? Tapes were not good. That’s probably why they’regone . . .” 9/15/2010
“Your face is a wookie-bear.” Pause. “That didn’t sound right.” 9/16/2010
“I get ignorant and thoughty when I get drunk.” 9/20/2010
“I say thoughtful statements of awesome.” 9/20/2010
J: “I gotta see the second one of those, ‘cause I saw the first one,and I liked it. It had pants, and they travelled.”Me: “I couldn’t’ve gotten that from the title?”J: “Shut up! I like pants! And travelling! And it’s kind of asisterhood! You like pants, too. You wear them every day. You alsolike travelling. But you’re indifferent towards sisterhood. Still,that’s 2 out of 3. You should watch it.” 9/20/2010
One day long after Im dead, people will realize my genius. Ill be inbooks and shit like Aesop and his fables. 10/5/2010
I wish I could talk to cars. 10/6/2010
J: Is today Tuesday?Me: Todays Wednesday.J: You know what tomorrow is?Me: Thursday?J: Yeah it is! 10/6/2010
Burt Reynolds has a Tom Selek mustache, which I think means that,technically, Tom Selek has a Burt Reynolds mustache. Woah. 10/7/2010
So I can badger them later with violence. And badgers. 10/7/2010
That was creepy. It reminded me of the movie Fame. 10/7/2010
(2:54 PM) jbrown: How do you even celebrate columbus day? run up onsomeone, rob them and give them syphillis? i mean cinco de mayo couldget you accidentally shot but at least it gets you drunk, gives youcandy and a hat first. 10/7/2010
Ima eat these cream puffs like they owe me money . . . 10/8/2010
(Ed: regard the editor not talking.) I wish you would hush up with allthat quiet. 10/8/2010
(Whispered). Joooohn. Guess what. Im pretty fly for a white guy. 10/12/10
I am too precious for this world. Too precious! 10/13/2010
(Ed: the following was because the editor was ignoring J)
J: If you were my neighbor, Id call the cops on you.Me: Why?J: Really, it would be because youre anti-social, but Id tell the copsthere was a funny smell. Some of my threats are idle, but this onesfor reallss. And then the news crews would come later and Id say Heseemed so nice, you woulda never seen it coming. Who would play me inyour Lifetime movie? This is all contingent upon them actuallyfinding something. Otherwise its just me making crank calls.10/13/2010
Pandas wrestle, right? I mean, like, for fun, not for money. 10/13/2010
J: Im done for today.Me: Today jumped the shark in the last 10 minutes.J: It was a whole cluster of sharks! We jumped all the sharks, and nowwere over the moon! 10/13/2010
I wish I had a lobster. Not to eat. Just to hang out. 10/18/2010
Some days youre the hamster, some days youre the wheel. 10/19/2010
Tweed jackets you can get real cheap. English teachers die every day. 10/26/2010
Me and the west coast dont seem to get along. Them mofos is too laidback, son. I like my people a little more hostile than that. 10/29/10
I saw a hipster the other day with a teardrop tattoo, and I gotconfused and just decided to move on with my life. I was like, Yourpants are so tight. Who did you kill? 10/29/10
You look indifferent. I should make a mask. It would be a mask ofyou giving a damn. Pause. It would really just look like the BurgerKing. 10/29/10
Why dont people play beer pong at brunch? It seems reasonable. 11/3/2010
(Ed: The truest thing ever said . . .)I was talking to my friend and we decided that hes the Jack Donaghy tomy Liz Lemon, but youre the Liz Lemon to my Tracy Morgan. Maybe TracyMorgan and Jenna, both. 11/3/2010
The fact that I do not have a lamb is starting to piss me off. 11/16/2010
They just banned Four Loko! How did they get that through that fast?You know how long it took em to get through healthcare?! The wheelsof justice are slow except sometimes, why couldnt this be one of thosetimes! 11/17/2010
I guess youre never too young for white hair. Its genetics. Thinksfor a moment. Points to self. Jeannetics!
Comments
Thanks for writing this blog, loved reading it
My favorite: "I wanna buy a baby lamb. I'd Little-Bo-Peep the hell outta that shit."
You ARE precious!