MeatPacking, The Jersey Shore and The "Bones" Effect
Last weekend was incredibly satisfying in that every day markedly different the last and yet everyone was awesome in its own way.
Friday, I left work and headed to my friends friends home to get ready for this party. I took the first half of my journey with my supervisor. Walking along and seeing everything was great and I hear this voice that sounds familiar. I look up and who do I see but "AJ"..... Blatantly not who I wanted to run into while walking with my supervisor. I moved to a whole new city and still can't out run my Vagina. Stoopid Vagina.
Anyway, we walk along and are talking about random shit when my supervisor explains one of my main flaws. He calls it "The Bones Effect" and it really is pretty ingenious.
See, I religiously watch Bones. I do and not because I love it.... I watch it because I hate it.
Let me explain:
Yet, I watch this show weekly on Hulu. Just to confirm that I really do hate it and that I should hate it. A lot.
Apparently I have the same dating pattern. I date people I hate but I stay around just to be sure that I hate them and that my reasons are valid. "The Bones Effect".... is the reason I fail at dating. Yup.
So we part ways and I'm off down 5th avenue to 14th. I thought I was going to W 14th but I was headed to E 14th. Wikipedia told me that 5th ave is the dividing line so I go right, hit Union Square, walk past NYU and find my location and a Kennedy Fried Chicken. I proceed to laugh for a good 10 mins at this fake ass KFC.
I still don't know where I'm headed to at this point. I meet up home girls home girl and we kick it and head off to the meat packing district... where they pack meat. We wander into STK and I'm drunk. Flat out. The door holder guy opens the door and I hear Journey's "Don't stop believing". I proceed to yell out "This is my Jam!" Then I pull the door guy close and go "I love this song but I suspect that it is about Promiscuous bar sex. I'm just saying. Peep the lyrics." I know realize that this probably constitutes flirting. Shrug. Fuck it. I get a 14 dollar glass of Riesling and we wait for my girl.
Now dinner was supposed to be at 10:30. We don't get seated til like 11:30 and I gotta go by 12:30 sos I can catch my last train. I give home girl and the waitress a heads up cuz I def wanna cover some of the bill before I roll. I get miraculously drunker throw some dough at the bill and run off. Make my train after watching 2 people fall down and telling someone how important it is to have fun, regardless of whether you end up looking alil foolish. "Acting cool" cockblocks fun. Real talk.
Get home and pass the hells out. Slept til it hurt. Woke up and assembled furniture. I am still in my unpacking phase. I commend myself several times for ensuring that my drunk self made it home last night. Yay me. Yay responsible!
I end up taking a mid day nap. I was watching "Inkheart" but it sucked. Spoiler- If you read aloud and shit happens, and you read aloud and accidentally suck your wife into a book and suck bad guys out.... Would you A) wander around looking for the book that you read and lost so you could attempt to read your wife out of the book or B) sit down and write "My wife miraculously emerges from the book adorned in platinum jewelry while the bad guys that I accidentally read out of the book are simultaneously sucked back in...."?
You'd choose B cuz A is stoopid. Well the premise of the movie is that he chooses A. Jackass.
I wake up to my brother telling me that we are going clubbing on the Jersey shore! What what. We head off to this club and it is everything I dreamed. Bad chunky highlights. Ed Hardy. Bronzer and a fist pump. Werd.
So, I order 3 drinks. Bill comes. 18 dollars. What a stark difference from the previous day. I order more. I get accidentally drunk. I end up talking to this guy in the air force about how sometimes you gotta save people but fuck it, sometimes folks gotta die. Shrug.
I hear there's been a fight in the bathroom but I gotta pee so I go thataway. There is a shitload of blood. Seriously. The floor of one stall is covered in blood and glass and there's a girl outside the bathroom with her arm elevated and security applying pressure.
None of this stopped my need to pee so I go into the stall next to the bloody one and keep it moving. On my way out I usher other folk to the empty stalls, which is all of them. Tip: If someone in the bathroom breaks their glass and accidentally slices an artery or some shit, go to the bathroom. There's no line. None.
We dip out and head to the crib. I am awoken by two youths. It is Mother's day at my brother and his girlfriend's spot. I got to meet her kids and honestly, though I am not really with the whole kid thing, they are wonderful adorable bundles of youth.
I go home later that day after hanging with them and I pop up in the house. I harass my dad and we watch "9". And its cute.
I love the New of the city and the contrast of Red Bank which is quiet and calm. I have still given up on dating, at least until I conquer this "Bones Effect". There's one constant in the background. He knows who he is and to me, he is my ideal but for now, I'm just celi-chilling, makin dough and enjoyin the OD of this city.
Friday, I left work and headed to my friends friends home to get ready for this party. I took the first half of my journey with my supervisor. Walking along and seeing everything was great and I hear this voice that sounds familiar. I look up and who do I see but "AJ"..... Blatantly not who I wanted to run into while walking with my supervisor. I moved to a whole new city and still can't out run my Vagina. Stoopid Vagina.
Anyway, we walk along and are talking about random shit when my supervisor explains one of my main flaws. He calls it "The Bones Effect" and it really is pretty ingenious.
See, I religiously watch Bones. I do and not because I love it.... I watch it because I hate it.
Let me explain:
- Bones is like CSI but shitty. I would love Bones if CSI didn't exist but it does... So Fuck Bones.
- Bones is the same show as NCIS. (Side note: I dubbed it NCSI by me because every time it came on I'd get excited like "OH shit!!! It's a new CSI... Wait! This isn't CSI. This is Not CSI..." Hence NCSI.) It is also the same show as Criminal Minds. They have main characters I don't care about, 1 kinda hot guy and "the Quirky Chick" who sits in front of a computer, cuz she's too quirky to leave the fuckin lab.
- Bones (the character) isn't pretty. Not in the least. But they like to pretend like she's beautiful. She isn't. That bitch looks like a skeleton with a wig on and I hate her nasal ass voice. A lot.
- They keep trying to pretend Angela (the quirky chick w the computer) is sexy. She isn't. She's just promiscuous.
- The plots are horrible. The "Avatar" episode combined two things I loathe, Avatar and shitty ass Bones. Side note: I hate Avatar cuz its Fern Gully meets Brave heart in 3D combined with the one thing that James Cameron invariably supplies me with : A runtime that is at least 1 hour longer than necessary.
Yet, I watch this show weekly on Hulu. Just to confirm that I really do hate it and that I should hate it. A lot.
Apparently I have the same dating pattern. I date people I hate but I stay around just to be sure that I hate them and that my reasons are valid. "The Bones Effect".... is the reason I fail at dating. Yup.
So we part ways and I'm off down 5th avenue to 14th. I thought I was going to W 14th but I was headed to E 14th. Wikipedia told me that 5th ave is the dividing line so I go right, hit Union Square, walk past NYU and find my location and a Kennedy Fried Chicken. I proceed to laugh for a good 10 mins at this fake ass KFC.
I still don't know where I'm headed to at this point. I meet up home girls home girl and we kick it and head off to the meat packing district... where they pack meat. We wander into STK and I'm drunk. Flat out. The door holder guy opens the door and I hear Journey's "Don't stop believing". I proceed to yell out "This is my Jam!" Then I pull the door guy close and go "I love this song but I suspect that it is about Promiscuous bar sex. I'm just saying. Peep the lyrics." I know realize that this probably constitutes flirting. Shrug. Fuck it. I get a 14 dollar glass of Riesling and we wait for my girl.
Now dinner was supposed to be at 10:30. We don't get seated til like 11:30 and I gotta go by 12:30 sos I can catch my last train. I give home girl and the waitress a heads up cuz I def wanna cover some of the bill before I roll. I get miraculously drunker throw some dough at the bill and run off. Make my train after watching 2 people fall down and telling someone how important it is to have fun, regardless of whether you end up looking alil foolish. "Acting cool" cockblocks fun. Real talk.
Get home and pass the hells out. Slept til it hurt. Woke up and assembled furniture. I am still in my unpacking phase. I commend myself several times for ensuring that my drunk self made it home last night. Yay me. Yay responsible!
I end up taking a mid day nap. I was watching "Inkheart" but it sucked. Spoiler- If you read aloud and shit happens, and you read aloud and accidentally suck your wife into a book and suck bad guys out.... Would you A) wander around looking for the book that you read and lost so you could attempt to read your wife out of the book or B) sit down and write "My wife miraculously emerges from the book adorned in platinum jewelry while the bad guys that I accidentally read out of the book are simultaneously sucked back in...."?
You'd choose B cuz A is stoopid. Well the premise of the movie is that he chooses A. Jackass.
I wake up to my brother telling me that we are going clubbing on the Jersey shore! What what. We head off to this club and it is everything I dreamed. Bad chunky highlights. Ed Hardy. Bronzer and a fist pump. Werd.
So, I order 3 drinks. Bill comes. 18 dollars. What a stark difference from the previous day. I order more. I get accidentally drunk. I end up talking to this guy in the air force about how sometimes you gotta save people but fuck it, sometimes folks gotta die. Shrug.
I hear there's been a fight in the bathroom but I gotta pee so I go thataway. There is a shitload of blood. Seriously. The floor of one stall is covered in blood and glass and there's a girl outside the bathroom with her arm elevated and security applying pressure.
None of this stopped my need to pee so I go into the stall next to the bloody one and keep it moving. On my way out I usher other folk to the empty stalls, which is all of them. Tip: If someone in the bathroom breaks their glass and accidentally slices an artery or some shit, go to the bathroom. There's no line. None.
We dip out and head to the crib. I am awoken by two youths. It is Mother's day at my brother and his girlfriend's spot. I got to meet her kids and honestly, though I am not really with the whole kid thing, they are wonderful adorable bundles of youth.
I go home later that day after hanging with them and I pop up in the house. I harass my dad and we watch "9". And its cute.
I love the New of the city and the contrast of Red Bank which is quiet and calm. I have still given up on dating, at least until I conquer this "Bones Effect". There's one constant in the background. He knows who he is and to me, he is my ideal but for now, I'm just celi-chilling, makin dough and enjoyin the OD of this city.
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