Not Quite... But I'm gettin there.
I haven't written alot lately. (This is actually starting to become my standard blog greeting... It's a shame. really.)
So I'm sitting here sipping on a Cabernet Sauvignon, tryin to process how I feel and semi-succeeding and semi-failing. I work a ridiculous amount of hours a week. I get home every night, emotionally drained and physically exhausted. Everyday that I go to work I feel unappreciated and taken for granted. Most days this would be normal and expected but on Friday it came from someone whom I'd begun to trust.
This shit.... took me over the edge. I realized that I truly do hate my life. I am capable of so much and I literally spent this last year doing absolutely nothing. Nothing. I wasted an entire year of my life. I will never get this year back and it's my own fucking fault.
I was driving home last Thursday and I swear I had a glimpse at my future. My career, my spouse, my home... It looked not at all like my current life. It looked way more pleasing.
So I am on the road toward that shit. I am pretty much done with DC. I don't want to settle here. I don't really care to work here and the only school around here that has a program that I would be interested in attending is University of Maryland... which I hate. Alot. Sooooo on to the next one.
And for some reason, I have been letting more people into my life lately and opening up alil more and I notice that it has distinctly bitten me in the ass. Maybe I been slackin off on my screening process but the folks who I've been "Trusting" lately have not been honoring that trust. Honestly I feel deeply betrayed and regret allowing people to get close to me because nothing seems to be sacred anyfuckingmore.
I think one person stepping outside of "Okay" and upsetting me would have been fine but in less than 48 hours that shit happened again. A private conversation was made anonymously public on fucking Facebook. Now, I am pretty open with my life so if I choose to omit something from my public profile in the world, that was truly a one on one conversation with someone about being a child of divorce.... That's private.
Especially if it is someone who had worked on building a trust with me...
Side note... Karma's a bitch. Just trust me on that. A big ass bitch.... Stoopid bitch.
Now I'm looking at everyone sideways. I am deeply hurt at this point and am taking all of the shit that has been going on lately as a sign that I need to get the fuck out of DC.
I would say.... I'm not quite bitter, but I'm getting there. That I'm not quite out of here yet, but I'm on my way. That all I really have in this world is my balls and my word... and I don't even have balls. FML....
Walls up. Head down....
So I'm sitting here sipping on a Cabernet Sauvignon, tryin to process how I feel and semi-succeeding and semi-failing. I work a ridiculous amount of hours a week. I get home every night, emotionally drained and physically exhausted. Everyday that I go to work I feel unappreciated and taken for granted. Most days this would be normal and expected but on Friday it came from someone whom I'd begun to trust.
This shit.... took me over the edge. I realized that I truly do hate my life. I am capable of so much and I literally spent this last year doing absolutely nothing. Nothing. I wasted an entire year of my life. I will never get this year back and it's my own fucking fault.
I was driving home last Thursday and I swear I had a glimpse at my future. My career, my spouse, my home... It looked not at all like my current life. It looked way more pleasing.
So I am on the road toward that shit. I am pretty much done with DC. I don't want to settle here. I don't really care to work here and the only school around here that has a program that I would be interested in attending is University of Maryland... which I hate. Alot. Sooooo on to the next one.
And for some reason, I have been letting more people into my life lately and opening up alil more and I notice that it has distinctly bitten me in the ass. Maybe I been slackin off on my screening process but the folks who I've been "Trusting" lately have not been honoring that trust. Honestly I feel deeply betrayed and regret allowing people to get close to me because nothing seems to be sacred anyfuckingmore.
I think one person stepping outside of "Okay" and upsetting me would have been fine but in less than 48 hours that shit happened again. A private conversation was made anonymously public on fucking Facebook. Now, I am pretty open with my life so if I choose to omit something from my public profile in the world, that was truly a one on one conversation with someone about being a child of divorce.... That's private.
Especially if it is someone who had worked on building a trust with me...
Side note... Karma's a bitch. Just trust me on that. A big ass bitch.... Stoopid bitch.
Now I'm looking at everyone sideways. I am deeply hurt at this point and am taking all of the shit that has been going on lately as a sign that I need to get the fuck out of DC.
I would say.... I'm not quite bitter, but I'm getting there. That I'm not quite out of here yet, but I'm on my way. That all I really have in this world is my balls and my word... and I don't even have balls. FML....
Walls up. Head down....
Comments
*bi-i-gggg hug muffin*
well, if you gotta flee DC, then you must. :,( i was totally looking forward to us living in the same city!! Pursue your dreams, live your life. Don't sit in a dead end job and end up looking back at life wondering what-if. And to the person that betrayed you; dead wrong, deaddd wrong. totally feel you. i don't tell too many people a lot of personal shit anymore. they be fuckin up.
hope things start looking up!
m.
Secondly, not to be "deep"-but on a serious note, if you're feeling low (and I feel you on this one, me and John Mayer have been rocking out to Numb is the New Deep) then maybe it's not the location that needs to be changed, maybe it's the way you've been operating.
"If you don't like the way the life you live is changing, isn't it just as obvious that you must live your life to change the way that you live? Happiness is mathematic, that's all it is. Happiness is mathematic. That's all." (Taalam Acey, he's actually spitting in Philly tonight-drive your ass up here and come get some light shined on you... no sexual innuendo included lol)
Lastly, it's ok to open up on occassion and actually expect good from people. If you throw caution to the wind and it spits that shit back in your face, chop it up as a valuable lesson learned and keep it chucking. As you (and Hov) said, onto the next one. And Hov don't tell no tales :)